New Old Slightly Stoopid Graphics Coachella Skate 2008

"Slightly not stoned" is getting re-released, the first runs sold out. The UB40 cover "i would do for you" is key. It's grammy quality but to get a grammy nomination you have to hire a full time publicist and be spoofed on The Simpsons. A variation of this graphic will probably be used for a limited run skate deck, hopefully for coachella. An extra thick 12 ply maple laminate deck will be designed for kyle since he's put on a bit of weight, some say he looks like a young Brian Wilson, not me though I would never make fun of Kyle.

HEATHER MILLS 50 MILLION FOR FAILURE

HIGH PAY DAY JUDGE SAYS DEMAND FOR ONE LEGGED MODELS AT AN ALL TIME LOW

LENNON ROLLS OVER


Sun Damaged. Hustler Publisher Larry Flynt has reportedly offered Heather Mills 2 million dollars to keep her clothes on. Heather Mills doctors claim the sun has also damaged her brain.


Heather Mills received 50 million dollars today or as Sir Paul McCartney calls it “about a weeks wages” for failing at marriage with ex-Beatles great Paul McCartney. Sir Paul was quoted as saying, “I’ve learned my lesson mate. I’ll never order another Russian Mail order bride off a website again.” John Lennon reportedly uttered “Mai Pang” and rolled over in his grave when he heard the news.

Miss Mills team of attorney’s said she plans to invest the money wisely. Her lead attorney, Mr. E. Howard Hunt said, “Obviously not on Wall Street because that would be like just throwing money down a toilet and she had to work really, really hard to earn this money.”

Ironically, Miss Mills is reportedly going to use the 50 million to purchase Michael Jackson’s Beatles catalog so Michael Jackson can pay off his Neverland Ranch. Mr. McCartney’s daughter Stella said, “That sounds like something that greedy, peg-legged bitch would do.”

World Industries 1991 Randy Colvin, Colvinetics, Everslick Deck

World Industries 1991 Randy Colvin Colvinetics, Scienctolgy Spoof Everslick Deck


Used everslick’s usually have a faded look.

Randy Colvin’s second World Industries deck, Marc McKee was the artist. This one is a rare, everslick version none others are known to exist right now but there are probably a couple more stashed away in closets of former World Industries employees. The everslick version has lighter graphics. Reportedly World Industries was hit with a cease and desist to stop the production of this board ala the Jason Lee Burger King board.

In the late 80’s and 90’s Scientoligist ran commercials in Southern California with this Volcano spewing ash telling that your world would be much calmer if you just buy this book. Many of the spots were only 15 seconds long with just the volcano spewing. This board is a nice tribute to that commercial and proof that all you need is a good graphic designer to start your own religioin. World Industries may have anticipated that the Scientologists would sick a lawyer on them. Certinainly being based in Los Angeles Steve Rocco and friends, knew the power of the Scientolgist’s and assumed their would be legal interference and did a low production run to begin with. Whatever the story, the only documented auction, it went just under $1,000.00. This was nice piece of art to pick up it came an Amy Hempel book and a Jamie Lynn textured top Lib Tech, his second season.

IT’S THE R WORD STUPID, RECESSION SMECCESION

RETURN OF THE R WORD- REAGANOMICS 2008

THE R WORD IS BACK…GOLD HITS 1000 AN OUNCE, OIL AT AN ALL TIME HIGH, HOUSING MARKET IS COLLAPSING, NAGLE PAINTINGS ARE COLLECTIBLE AGAIN………PRESIDENT BUSH ANNOUNCES REAGAN-NOMICS IS BACK!


He’s back. President Bush said today he was bringing back everything that was popular in the 1980’s that started with the word R. Except for the band The Romantics because “they suck.”

President George Bush made a surprise announcement today, saying he was bringing back the R word, Reagan-nomics. President Bush claimed that the popular economics program of the 1980’s would be coming back full force. “Why not?”, he said, “It might actually work this time“ President Bush claimed the Reagan-nomics economic package is recession proof and would get the country out of “whatever it is we’re in right now.”

President Bush added the program would go into affect immediately and they would start program by cutting off Federal Aid and support for the mentally ill. President Bush said the government would be releasing 20,000 mental patients in California alone this week. Mr. Bush quipped that he doubted “anyone in California would notice an extra 20,000 mentally ill people on the street.” In a rare show of support many journalists in the press corp. nodded their heads when Mr. Bush said Californians wouldn’t notice more mentally ill people on the street because they are so self absorbed.

Later in the day a spokesperson for the White House said that the mentally ill would be dropped off in Hollywood and Orange County. Where it would be an easy transition since the mentally ill have already established strong roots in both communities.

Gary Shandling KILLS at the trial of P.I. Anthony Pellicano

COMEDIAN GARY SHANDLING TURNS IN FLAWLESS SET In LOS ANGELES COURTROOM



Comedian Gary Shandling in simpler times. Moe Sizlak, the surly bartender from The Simpsons is reportedly modeled after Mr. Shandling.

Comedian Gary Shandling reportedly killed with a solid twenty minute set of new material at the trial of former P.I. Anthony Pelicano. The jury was reportedly in stitches, one of the bailiff’s even had to leave the room to change his pants.

Deputy District Attonery John Cruicshank said, “I almost peed my pants when he told the joke about God running wire taps for George Bush. Oh my god, the guy is a genius. Why is he still not on television?”

A.P. reporter Jeff Richards was in the audience and offered this assesement.
“The judge had to stop for recess 3 times he was laughing so hard. Who knew witness intimidation, illegal wiretaps and jury tampering could be so god damn funny!”
The judge said after it was the best set he’s ever seen in an courtroom. He should know. Hell,he’s seen all the veterans.”

Judge Steven Carnan was a legal aide to Mr. Alan Dershowitz, when Mr. Dershowitz performed his legendary ten minute set in front of the Supreme Court in 1975. He was also the presiding judge in 2 of Richard Pryor cocaine & drug abuse cases in the 80’s.

The defendant Mr. Anthony Pelicano, is also acting as his own attorney. When it was his turn to cross-examine Mr. Shandling. A strange twist of events occurred. Instead of cross-examining Mr. Shandling he showed a tape of a past Paula Poundstone performance, it was a benefit comedy show that Mr. Shandling also attended. Most peo in the courtroom thought the Paula Poundstone defense backfired on the novice attorney.

"This bothers me as much as the first time I saw this," the 58-year-old Gary Shandling said about the performance. "It's a creepy feeling."

In fact some of the jury members became so nauseous from the Paula Poundstone video they had to excuse themselves, disrupting the trial. Judge Carnan was forced to order a recess. Cross-examination will resume on Monday giving everyone sufficient time to recover.

Village Pizzeria Hollywood

Village Pizzeria. Hollywood. Good pizza sometimes, good price always.

6363 Yucca Street (yep the same street with that killer 2 minute long tracking shot when George Kennedy is playing a cop in “Earthquake” and a brief shot of Yucca in “The Italian Job” also.)

323- 790-0763 free delivery, but they’re not open past 9:30, so the free delivery is almost useless.

On Yucca right off of Cahuenga, around the corner from the 7-11 in a formerly very sketchy spot that they have cleaned up and revitalized.

Some of you might be familiar with these guys. They have been in Larchmont Village for several years. Also Berkeley.

This pizza is generally good but the problem is they are inconsistent. You get a different, cook you get a slightly different pie. Also if you go in there near closing at 9:30, (seriously 9:30?) the employees want to get out of there and the toppings get tossed on their haphazardly and it wasn’t cooked through. Damn still want to give these guys a chance, though.

Here’s a few tips that might make you a little bit more popular and oh yeah, make you money, cause isn’t that why your open? If Nike will listen to me, use my ideas and not pay me, than you guys might want to also.

Asparagus Pizza- They suck and have a reputation for sucking, but they didn’t always.
They were good at first but quickly became inconsistent, high turnover and hiring actors and actresses to work there instead of people who want to be there. You guys are following their path, inconsistent and closing to early. Go walk over there right now and see how busy that place is. Guess what it’s not.

Damianos delivers to this neighborhood and its not expensive and just as good. They deliver til midnight whereas Village Pizzeria closes at 9:30. That’s just retarded. No offense to the mentally challenged or anyone who went to Ohio State.

9 fi’ng 30 in the middle of Hollywood in an area where there isn’t that many late night spots to eat at?

You’re almost useless to this neighborhood if you can’t stay open past 9:30.

Worried about the 18th street gangy bangies? Either pay them off or start kicking pies down to the LAPD, trust me they’ll make make a point of swinging by often. They are sick at eating at Birds.

Early evening people looking for an alternative to the 101 coffee shop, actually they are looking for an alternative to the 101 at any time of the day. Nobody ever said the food was good at the 101, (especially the owners) just that its the only place open in the area late night.

Put a folding wood sign on the corner of Cahuenga and Yucca.

Have the city zone 2 or 3 of your parking spots yellow, so people can pull in and get out fast, this especially will help with business late at night.

Hire employees who want to be there, plenty of dudes and dudettes burned out on production work and want a job that wont be in there head when they get home. An 8 or 10 hour shift at a pizza place is a piece of cake compared to a marathon editing session or having to re-shoot a take 27 times at 3 in the morning.

Send some free pies to the guys at Tiny’s K.O., Beauty Bar, Burgundy Room let people know you’re there. Unless of course your not going to stay open past 9:30. Seriously 9:30?

THE HOLLYWOOD POPEYES 99 Cent CHICKEN TUESDAY & WAFFLES

Popeyes Hollywood As Real As Real Hollywood Gets


Popeyes Chicken, Hollywood and Cahuenga, a favorite spot of pimps, murderers, ho’s, actors and writers. A must see stop for any tourist who really wants to see Hollywood. Plus Little Richard has been known to do the occasional pop in.

Being a writer in Hollywood with morals and a vision means sometimes you have to humble yourself and suffer for your work. It means you make sacrifices. You don’t waste your energy or talents writing crap for game shows or the C.W. When someone calls you with a tempting ghost writing gig that would solve all your financial problems you have to say no. It takes years to recover from polishing up someone else’s crap so you try to stay away from what normal people would refer to as work. You save yourself for that one script or novel, that one great piece of work, that will push you to the front of the line and gets you the power of people returning your calls and e-mails and giving you free swag at all the awards shows. Or at least when you finally bail out of Hollywood for the mountains you can live with yourself.

Meanwhile, while you wait your turn you try not to humiliate yourself to much. For instance interviewing for the writers assistant job on “Will and Grace” and not getting the job. That’s humiliating. Beyond humiliating. Of course I probably shouldn’t have stopped by Woody Harrelson’s trailer right before I went in to meet the producers. My bad.

Of course the majority of suffering is monetary. Money? You have none. Well really you have an adequate amount of money, but only if you lived in a city like Portland, Seattle or Chicago. But in Los Angeles or New York, forget about it. It’s $4,000 a month just to survive and that’s only if you were lucky enough to find your house or apartment more than 5 years ago, before prices skyrocketed.

Which brings me to another humbling ritual for many writers, actors and artists in my neighborhood. Popeyes Chicken on Cahuenga and Hollywood Boulevard. The Tuesday’s 99 cent 2 piece chicken special. 2 battered greasy pieces of dark meat chicken bathed in fat and oil that makes no promise that it doesn’t contain trans-fats. While my friends are dining down the street on $40 sushi rolls at Katsuya with Justin Timberlake, I’m down the street standing in the 99 cent chicken line with Just Homeless and his crew. Hell yeah its’s humiliating. It’s also funny. In a sad way. And if it doesn’t motivate you to work harder, than nothing ever will.

I urge all tourists who want to know what it feels like to live and suffer in Hollywood to go there on a Tuesday. And get in that line. The sights, the smells, the human tragedy, the desperation inside that place, it’s not only the underbelly of Hollywood, it is Hollywood.

NEW YORK GOVERNOR SPITZER LINKED TO PROSTITUION RING

PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON TOLD HIM IT DOESN’T COUNT AS CHEATING IF YOU’RE IN ANOTHER STATE

MORALISTIC GOVERNOR CONTINUES GRAND TRADITION OF CORUPT & SEAMY NEW YORK STATE POLITICIANS


The great Charlie Murphy has been picked to lead ex-Governor Spitzer’s legal dream team. Mr. Murphy is said to have taken the job because he wants Hollywood to take him more seriously as an actor. Mr. Murphy recently lost out on the lead role in No Country for Old Men to Javier Bardem.

Soon to be former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, also known as customer #9 by the Federal Government, has taken the classic Hollywood defense used for years by actors, musicians, stand-up comedians and other entertainers. “The Hollywood defense or as some people call it, the out-of-state, out-of-mind defense, is pretty simple and it applies to my client. If you are out of your state or out of the country, and you bang someone else it doesn’t count as cheating.” said Mr. Spitzer’s attorney, Mr. Lloyd Braun today.

He continued, “It was Errol Flynn who coined the phrase Hollywood defense, but he learned it from the old vaudeville guys. It goes way back. Henny Youngman and Jackie Gleason both wrote about it in their autobiographies. In fact Frank Sinatra and his lawyers used the defense several times through decades of divorce and paternity hearings.”

Mr. Braun also added that they are assembling a “dream team” of lawyer’s for Mr. Spitzer’s defense, both criminal and divorce. He has hired Pete Townshend’s lawyer who got him off of pedophilia charges and also O.J. Simpson’s original defense team. Since Johnny Cochran has passed away they have hired Eddie Murphy’s brother, Charlie Murphy to lead the legal dream team in the courtroom.

When told that Charlie Murphy has no legal skills and seems an odd choice Mr. Braun replied, “He’s an actor, I know but that’s okay because the law doesn’t apply to New York courtrooms.”

41 MILLION AMERICANS GET FREE DRUGS FROM DRINKING WATER

HEALTH CARE EXECUTIVES TO START BILLING MUNICIPILATIES FOR CONTENTS OF DRUGS IN DRINKING WATER

NO MORE FREE RIDES DECLARES HMO EXECUTIVE


Barry Bonds “alleged” use of steroids and human growth hormone has helped to make San Francisco’s drinking water rich in nutrients and supplements. A spokesperson for the F.D.A. said San Francisco’s drinking water reportedly has more ‘roids in it than a 1980’s Russian weightlifter.

Health Care executive across the country were shocked to find out that over 41 million Americans have been receiving free drugs, delivered to them via their local water systems. Health Care executives and representatives from the F.D.A. have been working around the clock this past weekend trying to come up with a billing system for each city, based on their particular drug use.

"It’s complicated", Phizer spokesperson Mr. Ian MacKaye said. “For instance the water in San Francisco has large traces of human growth hormones in it. We’re not sure if that is because of the large trans-gender population or from Barry Bonds. Regardless, there are a lot of menopausal women in that city who are getting a free ride right now and we are going to put a stop to it. They might give out free drugs and healthcare in Mexico, Canada and other 3rd world countries but we don’t do that here, that’s Un-American.”

Pressed further Mr. MacKaye said “New York City has large traces of tranquilizers and sedatives. There are huge traces of Xanax in New York’s water. We think George Steinbrenner had the water spiked in the 70’s when Billy Martin was a Yankee. Obviously it never calmed down Billy Martin but the Xanax played a large role in New York’s great revival in the late 90’s. Obviously we are going to have to ease New York City gradually off of the Xanax. There is always a slight chance a New Yorker could get violent. We’ll probably ease them over to a milder anti-anxiety medicine and of course a generic drug so the city will save money.”

Mr. MacKaye also stated that they found 2 hereto undiscovered drugs in New Jersey’s drinking water. “We’re not sure what the 2 new drugs do exactly. We’re pretty sure they are sedatives but the F.D.A. is going to conduct a series of tests. Obviously they are very strong drugs because the people live in New Jersey. For years people have wondered why anyone would stay in New Jersey? Jon Bon Jovi is from their from gods sakes, what sane person would want to live in the same state as him? Well now we know why people stay in New Jersey, because clearly they are on very, very strong drugs. He added, “New Jersey can expect to see a bill by early April.”

Cheap Gas

Gas prices got you down? Think about how much it costs to fill up not just a jet but the aircraft carrier to land it on.

NO AD SUNSCREEN SPF45 and the 99 Cent store

Angelina Jolie, Jon Voight and how Sunscreen is Saving Africa and Helping Hollywood’s Bottom Line


There's nothing funny about skin cancer in Hollywood or anywhere else for that matter. Unless of course, you are referring to the scene with John Candy and the school principal in Uncle Buck, now that was funny.

I once worked on a documentary for a minor Hollywood celebrity. Give people a couple dollars and put them in front of a camera and they think their life has meaning. That’s debatable. But I was given a camera and some subjects and went with it. I interviewed several prominent people. The only person who had anything interesting to say was Jon Voight. And it wasn’t about acting, God or Angelina Jolie. We spoke for a while about raising kids in California. He did the same thing my parents did. It was very popular in the 70’s and 80’s. A California tradition, anglo, latino, black, asian, didn’t matter. Instead of hiring a babysitter in the summer you dumped your kid(s) at the beach. Come back in 8 hours and hopefully they will be worn out and tired. Rinse, repeat, do it again next day, all summer. East Beach, Goleta, Huntington, Portolo, Newport, Malibu, didn’t matter, different beach, same sun.

What did Jon Voight do differently than most of our parents? Besides the Guatemalan housekeeper at his kids side the whole time? Sunscreen. That’s right he said he always made sure his kids had plenty of sunscreen. Sunscreen? If it wasn’t for sunscreen Angelina would probably have shriveled up into a prune by now and be looking like Paula Abdul. So look at it this way, if it wasn’t for sunscreen, Angelina would have to rely on acting abilities and not her looks. Brad would have never asked her to dinner that fateful night. Paramount would not have the influx of cash from the Laura Croft films and without Brad and her franchise, she would have never been able to afford to adopt kids from Ethiopia.

And don’t forget that one song by that guy Baz in the 90's? where he says, “my advice to the graduating class, is always wear sunscreen.”

This NO AD Sunscreen SPF 45 is UVA and UVB. Consumer Reports rated it as the best sunscreen and best value. Wal-Mart carries a 16 ounce bottle for just under $9.00 with tax. The 99 cent stores are carrying it right now for 99 cents. Probably will be there all summer. So if you’re a parent get out there and get it for your kids so they will have a fighting chance at a career in Hollywood or even the real world. When was the last time you saw a suntan on a Nobel laureate? Think about it, the money you save can be used to bribe the admissions director at your local charter school.

FLORIDA AND MICHIGAN PRIMARY NUMBER TWO REDO

REPUBLICAN PARTY TO SPRING FOR FLORIDA & MICHIGAN PRIMARIES PROMISES TO CONTROL FLORIDA RESULTS

WHAT THE HELL IT’LL BE FUN! BESIDES WE DON’T HAVE A SNOWBALLS CHANCE IN HELL IN NOVEMBER ANYWAY, SAYS RNC CHAIRMAN


A recent Gallup poll in USA Today found that most Americans consider Florida a 3rd World country, ranking it behind Mexico and Puerto Rico in popularity. The poll also found that Americans are willing to give Florida back to Cuba as long as they also take Jeb Bush, Rush Limbaugh and buy out Shaqille O’Neal’s contract with the Miami Heat.


The furor over the uncounted Florida and Michigan Democratic primaries has been solved. The Republican National Party has stepped up to the plate and said they will pay to redo both primaries in Michigan and Florida. “We already have our people in place so we can control the votes and who wins in Florida. It’ll be fun just like it was in 2000.” RNC chairman Billy Bush said today.

He added, “Besides it’s not like we will actually win the general election in November. We’ve got a huge surplus of cash. Ever since Rush Limbaugh gave up his Vicodin addiction our coffers in Florida have risen substantially.”

Mr. Bush also added, “Thanks to my idiot cousins total lack of bargaining chips with OPEC, I expect that gas prices will be at $5.00 a gallon by November. At $5.00 a gallon most American’s won’t be able to afford to drive to the voting booths, so we might as well knock out as many elections as we can right now, while the economy is still so vibrant and robust.”

When asked who the RNC plans on stating as winner in the Florida Democratic Primary Mr. Bush responded, “Oh definitely Obama, I expect Hillary will probably win the popular vote count by about 1,000 votes or so but we will declare Barack Obama the victor.”

Asked why, the RNC would do such a thing Mr. Bush responded, “Because we can, besides it will really mess with the Clinton's heads.”

RIVERHEAD TO PUBLISH ADOLPH HITLER & HOWARD HUGHES DIARIES

JAMES FREY TO EDIT NEW RIVERHEAD SEMI-FICTION NICHE DIVISION, POSEUR

ANNOUNCES FUTURE BOOK DEALS WITH ART BUCHWALD, NAPOLEON, HELEN KELLER’S CRACK DEALER & TUPAC SHAKUR


Author Margaret B. Jones attended the same elite high school as actress Maggie Gyllenhaal. Ironically besides sharing the same first name, both girls were standouts at the school. Their plain, average looks and poor acting skills set them apart from their classmates.

Looking for one of the 20,000 copies of the new book “Love and Consequences” but can’t find one? Riverhead Books, the book’s publisher has also noticed that store shelves across the country are empty. In fact all 20,000 copies that were released this week have flown off of store shelves as quickly as they arrived. Now Riverhead Books is hoping to capitalize on the success of a new genre of books, semi-fiction. Riverhead has started a new boutique imprint, Poseur. First off for the new publishing house, another hot printing of “Love and Consequences”, the new semi-autobiography by author Margaret B. Jones or Margaret Seltzer or Maggy B. or Little Miss Liar. or M.C. Fake Author or Maggs da Phony or Margie the Storyteller or several of the other names that she has gone by over the last 3 years.

Riverhead CEO David Vigliano was asked about the author changing her name several times over the last few years.

“ Frankly we weren’t sure what to call her anymore. She kept giving us a different name every time she came in to edit. The last year or so we just started calling her “hey you”. It was a little bit uncomfortable in a professional business setting but hey what are you going to do? These books don’t write themselves, unless of course it’s a celebrity’s book, than they we actually do hire someone to write them.”

Vigliano continued, “We were to busy getting the advertising campaign, the website, press and film deals in place. You know dealing with lawyers and contracts every few days, oh yeah plus I think someone was editing the book. The public doesn’t realize that there is a lot to do when you publish a book and there is not time to do background checks on every author. That would take at least an hour of our time to call a private detective and run a TRW check. We are a small million dollar corporation and don’t have the time or budget. Besides we were trying to sell this story to Miramax and the Weinstein brothers. Hollywood? They don’t care about facts they just want to know what the bottom line is and what the gross will be. We’re not interested in facts, unless they help us sell our product. In fact, facts have no place in the modern media just like they have no place in organized religion!”

FDA SAYS CHINA DRUG HEPARIN TIED TO DEATH

DRUG THAT KILLED 19 PEOPLE TIED TO CHINA, PILLS REPORTEDLY COATED WITH LEAD PAINT

TOY MANUFACTURER EXECS HOPE IT TAKES HEAT OFF OF THEM BUT HOPE DOESN’T CAUSE A RISE IN THE PRICE OF LIPITOR


The F.D.A. admitted today that when you hire people who don’t have any teeth and spit on the ground at crowded restaurants $1.00 an hour or less to manufacture life saving drugs, mistakes may occur.

The United States Food and Drug Administration issued their first safety recall for a product from China that has killed more than a dozen people but did not contain beef and is not a child’s toy.

The F.D.A. issued the recall today after 19 people died from drugs containing Heparin. F.D.A. spokesperson Bill Bradley said they were going to wait for 20 people to die but everyone in the office had planned on an early weekend for almost 6 months now, so they decided to issue the warning and recall tonight so nobody’s weekend would be disrupted.

Mr. Bradley stated, “19 deaths from a drug made in China from pig intestines is nothing to get concerned about. It’s not like it’s e-coli from beef at a fast food restaurant or lead paint at a toy store. Mr. Bradley was asked how many medicine cabinets he thinks the tainted medicine may be in?, “About 1 million to 22 million consumers homes, somewhere along those lines.” When Mr. Bradley was told that 21 million is a pretty wide number, he responded, “Sure maybe if this stuff was made in the United States but it was made in China. China doesn’t have any product or safety codes. They think codes are for losers like the Taiwanese. And you know what maybe they are right. Because when was the last time you heard about Taiwan? Exactly. Anyway, for all we know they made 100 million of these tablets and dumped the rest off on the French. Which is what we hope they did. Because nobody likes the French, especially the French.”

JOHN MCCAIN SPEECH TUESDAY NIGHT SAYS “MY FRIENDS” A RECORD 311 TIMES

BEATS PREVIOUS RECORD HELD BY THE WHOLE TUSCON SWAP MEET

STAFF WORRIED VOTERS WILL THINK MCAIN IS AN ARMENIAN USED TELEVISION SALESMEN


Larry, a used car salesman from Sun City, claims to have taught Senator McCain the phrase "my friends" during a campaign stop in the mid-90's.


Senator John McCain’s staff warned him using the phrase “my friends” more than 200 times in his speech on Tuesday night would annoy and irritate voters. It also caused many voters to have flash backs, you know “of that time they took that vacation in that one weird country you know the one with the name that is hard to pronounce? and they tried to buy a souvenir for Aunt Sophie back home and the salesman kept trying to sell them everything else in the store and the only English phrase he could say is My Friends, my friends, my friends about 30 times with bad breath before pointing and saying “you like, is cheap, is very cheap.”

2nd SUPER TUESDAY SHOCKER BILL CLINTON WILD SNL CLAIMS

ONLY PHONE CALLS EVER MADE AT 3 A.M. FROM WHITEHOUSE WERE FOR DOMINOES PIZZA

HILLARY’S SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKIT WAS PANDERING & UNFUNNY CRAP SAYS FORMER GOVERNOR IT MADE HIM REALLY MISS PHIL HARTMAN & EVEN DAVID SPADE


Former President Bill Clinton wants SNL producer Lorne Michaels to bring the funny back to SNL. He wants him to relax his restrictions on hiring actual comedians and writers with substance abuse problems, talent and stage presence. He also wants Eddie Murphy to come back and play Obama and Gumby. Clinton claims Mr. Murphy owes the American public for Norbit, Dr. Doolittle and all the other pieces of crap he keeps putting out every year.

Former President Bill Clinton commented about Hillary Clintons’s appearance on SNL this past weekend. The former President was speaking to a group of young women at a shelter for fallen ex-strippers in Cleveland,Ohio.

“Boy has that show really gone to shit. Hasn’t it? I tried watching it this weekend but couldn’t even get through Hillary’s skit. The show is so bad now, I was missing David Spade! I mean David Spade, c’mon!”

When asked how he thinks the show can make improvements Mr. Clinton offered up a few words of advice. “Bring back Phil Hartman and hire some real f'ing writers. Get some real comedians who work the clubs every night in there. Instead of these little penis sucking Ivy Leaguers who have no real world experience and think they're funny cause they wrote for the Harvard Lampoon for half a semester. Give me a break! Those little fags and their material wouldn’t last 2 minutes on stage at the Comedy Store or Caroline’s.”

When Mr. Clinton was told that his words seem very harsh and critical he responded, “Shut Up! You’re taking my words out of context.”

HILLARY VOWS TO CHANGE CAMPAIGN STANCE AGAIN NO MATTER WHAT THE OHIO TEXAS PRIMARY RESULTS BRING

MUST NOT SWITCH THEME OF SWITCHING THEME NOW

SHOWING LEADERSHIP SKILLS THAT YOU WOULD WANT A LEADER TO SHOW AT 3 A.M. WHEN THE PHONE RINGS AND ITS CHELSEA WITH A FLAT TIRE & NO SPARE


No matter what happens tomorrow, the Clinton campaign vows to stay the course of not knowing what the course is.


Mrs. Hillary Clinton is vowing to stay the course and change her campaign stance and views, regardless of tomorrow’s outcome in Ohio and Texas. Senator Clinton spoke to reporters outside a halfway house for former Ohio State football players, “The voters have come to expect the unexpected and not know what to expect and being consistent or on target now, well that would be unexpected.”

When pressed about what she expects tomorrow she added, “I’m not going to get drawn into some unexpected or expected guessing games.” Mrs. Clinton was asked if the firing of her 10 million dollar a year consultant had anything to do with her campaign’s them of wishy-washiness she said, “Maybe, maybe not.”

OPENING DAY DODGERS JOE TORRE KEEP IT CLEAN JOE, KEEP IT CLEAN

April 10, 1962



Whoever said a picture is worth a thousand words knew what they were talking about. This photo is a nice way to welcome another New York transplant. A good reminder. The first opening day April 10, 1962. Early and overcast morning, Dodger executive, happy wife and excuberant grandson. Pre-vietnam. Pre-steroids. The paint on the asphalt snaps. The smile on the kids face says it all.

ELECTION SHOCKER GERALDO RIVERA WORRIED ABOUT THE LATINO VOTE

LATINOS WORRIED GERALDO THINKS HE’S A LATINO

CONFUSION IN LATINO COMMUNITY ISN’T EDWARD JAMES OLMOS OUR SPOKESPERSON?


Tommy Chong is being considered by Ralph Nader as a running mate. Nader says it would be worth the free publicity generated by the jokes Jon Stewart, Letterman and other late night comedians would make.

When told that Geraldo Rivera is concerned about the Latino vote in the upcoming Presidential election, Orange County businessman Mr. Frank Gonzales responded, “Really, I didn’t even know he was Latino. I thought he was like from Spain or some shit. Rivera? Check it out, I thought that was just a made up show business name like Carlos Mencia or Diablo Cody or Vincent Kartheiser? I mean shit, does that mean we have to take responsibility for him now? That sucks. I wish we could trade him, y’know like they did in that one Chappelle Show? That’s a cool show, how come that’s not on the air anymore? You should work on that show. We’ll trade you Carlos Mencia and Geraldo Rivera. Who you got?”

“For Mencia and Rivera? We have Kid Rock and Sean Hannity.”

“That sucks.” Mr. Gonzales responded.

“I’ll throw in Andy Dick”

“That still sucks.” He said.

“Yeah you’re right that is a shitty trade for you guys.”

“Yeah you white boys are always trying to screw us over.” Mr. Gonzales said.

“How about we trade you Bill Clinton for Carlos Santana?”

He stood up from the table and walked away muttering, “Pinche ese, pinche ese.”

That Geraldo Rivera can really make you think.

CRITICS SAY NEW JACK JOHNSON ALBUM SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE THE OLD JACK JOHNSON ALBUM

MAXIM MAGAZINE & MUSIC CRITICS SHOCKED ALBUM SLEEP THROUGH THE STATIC SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE ALL THE OTHERS

JACK JOHNSON CLAIMS HE WON’T QUIT RELEASING THE SAME SONG OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL HIS SURFBOARD COLLECTION IS BIGGEST IN WORLD




Critics say Jack Johnson has been to busy surfing for the last 10 years to record any new or original material. Mr. Johnson also surfs and skates regular foot, another strike against him. Here he is his pictured with a vintage 10 foot Gerry Lopez single fin that he paid to much for.

The remaining 12 members of the record industry and the music critics at Maxim magazine were shocked this week when the advanced copy of Jack Johnson’s new full length album arrived; and it sounds exactly like all the other Jack Johnson albums.

“Yeah we’ll no duh, what do you expect he likes to surf all day and throw vegetarian barbecues, he’s doesn’t have time to practice or go in the studio.” says Mr. Johnson's surf partner and former Beastie Boys roadie Mike Nishita. “I know everyone expects Jack to evolve musically and reach another level but it ain’t gonna happen. Jack only knows how to play 9 chords, he’s no Brad Nowell or Bob Marley, hell he ain’t even Half-Pint, so they need to just back the f**** off.”

Mr. Johnson’s manager, Mr. Opie Ortiz refuted some of Mr. Nishita’s comments, “That’s not entirely true, Jack actually knows how to play 10 chords on his guitar. We bought him one of those Ernie Ball books and he learned a new chord last summer.” When asked why every Jack Johnson song sounds exactly like the last Jack Johnson song, Mr. Ortiz elaborated, “That’s because we recorded all his songs at the same time about 10 years ago, right before his 40th birthday. Jack doesn’t need to record any new material ever again. Actually except for touring we really don’t need Jack anymore. When we need a new album we just remix the old tracks. Hey, Tupac releases a new double album every year and nobody complains about that.”

When told that Tupac is dead and of course many of his songs sound the same because he’s dead. Mr. Ortiz added, “Oh me and Jack have discussed him dying to. I really think if Jack died our sales would go through the roof but Jack and his wife are opposed to the idea at this time. Though I do encourage Jack to surf Maverick’s and Jaws and other big wave breaks that are well beyond his ability. Who knows, we might get lucky and maybe he’ll drown. Can you imagine what that would do for record sales? For his credibility? We’d go double platinum for sure.”

CONVERSATION BETWEEN ROGER CLEMENS & JOSE CANSECO RELEASED BY JUSTICE DEPARTMENT

FEDERAL PROSECUTORS RELEASE PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT FROM PARTY AT JOSE CANSECO’S HOUSE

ONLY PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT TO BE RELEASED FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION, CONGRESS DOESN’T WANT TO FURTHER HARM BASEBALL’S IMAGE BY BORING FANS, THE REGULAR SEASON IS BORING ENOUGH



Lawyers say Roger Clemens recent testimony was confusing and misleading. Everyone agrees Mr. Clemens would make a great lawyer.

CANSECO
Hey Roger thanks for coming, Brian said you might drop by.

CLEMENS
No problem I was coming back from a round of golf and
noticed the Hummers in the driveway, thought I’d stop
by. Besides I go stir crazy sitting around the hotel room.

CANSECO
Hey tell me about it. Plus you spend at least $300 a day on
the porn and the mini-bar.

CLEMENS
Yeah tell me about. Speaking of drinks, I could sure use one
right now.

CANSECO
Oh I’m sorry where are my manners? Drinks and food are
down by the pool. Raul is down there, he will get you a
drink and tell him how you want your steak. Um, lets
see also the drugs are upstairs in the guest bathroom. HGH,
Anabolic, whatever you want. Brian brought some stuff
over. Plus I got lucky this morning and hooked up at the parking lot at Gold’s
Gym. But please remember to dispose of the needles properly.

CLEMENS
Always do.

NATION SHOCKED! STARBUCKS CLOSES ALL 7110 STORES

STORES ARE SHUTTERED WHILE EMPLOYEES ARE REQUIRED TO LEARN ENGLISH & TO PRONOUNCE FRAPPACHINO

ADMITS FAIR TRADE IS JUST A MADE UP TERM FOR GOOD PUBLIC RELATIONS



Starbucks Coffee is anxious to rebuild its faltering image. Starbucks has hired sane person and pop goddess Britney Spears as a spokesperson.

Starbucks announced today effective immediately it will shut down all U.S. stores to re-train their employees. Employees will now be required to speak English, be forced to be able to pronounce and spell Frappachino and count back change properly.

A recent report in Consumer Reports stated that the average Starbucks customer waits an average of 22 minutes a day per drink. The average consumer will spend almost 2 years in Starbucks over 20 years of patronage. Ironically most Starbucks employee will only spend about 20 months working during a 20 year period of employment.

A spokesperson for the National Emulsified Overpriced Coffee & Beverage Makers of America, Mr. Bryan Erwin chuckled and said it is a needed move for Starbucks. “It’s been an inside joke in the food industry for years that; Starbucks Sucks. Ha-ha, do you get it?"

When Mr. Erwin was told that “Starbucks sucks” really does not qualify as a joke and real comedians don't ask people if "they get it" he replied, “What do you expect I’m an executive in the food service industry. Does this look like the fucking stage at The Comedy Store to you?”

ROGER CLEMENS to APPEAR at BASEBALL SPRING TRAINING Camp

SPRING CLEARANCE GOOD DEALS ON OVERSTOCK OF HGH

CLEMENS OFFERING DEALS ON VOLUME PURCHASES, DISCOUNTS FOR ROOKIES, FREE SHIPPING AVAILABLE



A yard sale at the Clemens family estate was not the success Roger Clemens hoped it would be this weekend. Roger thinks the local kids pictured in this photo were later responsible for toilet papering his house.

Embattled former Major League Pitcher Mr. Roger Clemens, according to his son, will be making an appearance at the Houston Astros training camp later this week.

Mr. Clemens held a garage sale at his Houston estate this weekend. He sold off some of his baseball memorabilia, including an overstock of HGH, steroids, body supplements, vitamins and syringes. Mr. Clemens claims, except for the occasional golf tournament and sex with his wife, he will not need to use supplements or vitamin B anymore.

Mr. Clemens said the yard sale was not the success he hoped it would be. Sales were sluggish because of poor winter weather. Also Mr. Clemens had one of his Series Championship rings stolen. Apparently it was mixed in with some of his wife’s costume jewelry. He is asking local pawn brokers in the Houston area to be on the lookout for a large Latino family driving a red Astro van with a dent on the passenger door and a bumper sticker of Calvin and Hobbs pissing on a Ford. The family may try to pawn a Yankees World Series ring, Mr. Clemens is asking that business owners please call him, unless it’s Alex’s Rodriquez’s cousins than please call Alex or his assistant instead.

Mr. Clemens did say he is stopping by the Astros training camp later this week. He wanted to alert players he still has great deals on “B-12” shots, supplements and other remaining inventory. For anyone interested Mr. Clemens will be in the guest teams bathroom, stall #4, on Thursday around noonish.

RAUL CASTRO NAMED NEW PRESIDENT OF CUBA

ANNOUNCES IMMEDIATE COST CUTTING CHANGES- CUBAN CIGARS OUTSOURCED TO CHINA - COMMUNIST PARTY ADOPTS HMO HEALTH CARE - JOINT VENTURE WITH BLUE CROSS

BASIC CABLE , STARBUCKS AND ARBYS WILL BE AVAILABLE ACROSS ISLAND BY YEARS END


Cuba is introducing several cost cutting programs to bring Cuba into todays modern global business model, programs include dropping blanket health care for all citizens and exporting most labor to China. The Cuban cigar maker pictured here will be training Chinese workers later this year than transferred to a Gulag and shot.

In a surprise move today Cuba’s congress elected President Fidel Castro’s younger and much less dashing brother, Raul Castro, President of Cuba, effective immediately. Mr. Castro in his acceptance speech announced sweeping changes for himself and his business partners, Changes include several telecommunications and casino deals that should allow he and his partners to pocket millions of dollars. These deals should enable Mr. Castro to be able to flee comfortably to Switzerland for retirement within the next year.

Raul Castro also added that he would be banning his brother Fidel from wearing any more garish Adidas soccer sweat jackets. Only the President-elect and select Armenian tourists will be allowed to wear tasteless athletic apparel. The new El Presidente also stated that to cut costs, several money saving programs would be implemented. For instance Cuban cigars would be now be assembled in China. He also announced that the Communist Party will no longer cover health care costs in Cuba, A new HMO program is being implemented according to Cuba’s Health Minister, Blue Cross will now be available to every Cuban citizen for a mere $250 a year. The average yearly income of a typical Cuban citizen is $189.00.

NADER HOPES THIRD PRESIDENTIAL RUN REALLY MESSES THINGS UP THIS TIME

NADER LAUNCHES ANOTHER FUTILE BID FOR PRESIDENCY WILL WEAR SAME ILL FITTING BAGGY SUIT ENTIRE RUN

CRITICS SAY THE CANDIDACY WILL DO MORE HARM TO COUNTRY & ENVIRONMENT THAN THE CORVAIR EVER DID


When asked what he thinks his 3rd bid for the Presidency will do for his bank account and his books sales, Mr. Nader just smirked and pointed up.

Green Party Candidate Mr. Ralph Nader today announced his third bid for the White House on NBC’s Meet The Press this morning. He was asked if the thought his run for the presidency would hurt the Democrats chances of winning the office in 2008 and replied, “No, because most people think I’m a crackpot and won’t vote for me anyway.”

“I have no illusions that I will affect the Presidential run this year as I have in the past,” he said, “but by running for office I can shed light on the disgusting marriage between Corporate America and Washington, D.C. It’s a sick union that controls people’s life’s and ruins the environment. Also all the money the Green Party and I raise for the Presidential run we get to keep after we lose. And it’s tax deductable! It’s a win-win situation for us.

Mr. Nader will be crossing the country in a 48 foot Winnebago donated to him by Winnebago and Google. Toyota has donated Prius’s for his staff members. Bank of America has donated a business manager and business account. Apple Computers has donated computers and several i-phones for he and his staff and of course, Wolf Gang Puck will be catering the cross country run with an all Vegan menu.

Mr. Nader Chief of Staff estimates his run for the Presidency will burn over 500 metric tons of Carbon Fuels, use approximately 200 acres of trees and cost the American taxpayers over 5 million dollars in matching funds. That does not include the cost and paperwork of adding his candidacy to ballots in each state and the extra security the Secret Service will be forced to provide.

When asked if he thought his run was worth the extra strain on the environment and cost to the taxpayers Mr. Nader said, “Yes of course, even if only one American learns that all corporations are big, evil liars and…oh excuse me my i-phone’s ringing, hold on. Damn it’s my literary agent, I have to take this, sorry he’s shopping my new book, apparently I’m hot right now and we got a little bidding war going on between publishers. Sorry guys I’m gonna have to cut this short I’ll have my publicists call you and we’ll schedule this later.”

LOST FANS FILE CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT FOR LOSS OF LAST 3 YEARS OF THEIR LIFE AND EMOTIONAL STRESS

THE SHOW CONTAINS NO PLOT OR STORY DEVELOPMENT J.J. ABRAMS IS A CHARLATAN CLAIMS PLAINTIFF’S ATTORNEY

CITES CLOVERFIELD & THE DON RICKLES PILOT AS EVIDENCE


Lost fans are going to court to try and get back some of their life. Lawyers for both sides are optimistic that a settlement may be reached before trial.

President of the Venice chapter of the Lost Fan Club and skateboarding legend Mr. Tony Alva filed a lawsuit in Santa Monica Civil Court today against the producers of Lost. Alleging that Lost show creator, Mr. J. J. Abrams has been duping people into watching a television series for the last several years that contains no actual story line or plot development.

“I felt hollow inside when I finally realized that this show is going nowhere. It’s clear this season the producers and writers have no idea what they are doing and I just wasted the last 3 plus years of my life.” Said Mr. Alva.

“I mean c’mon they don’t even try anymore .If they have a plot hole to fill they just make something up and film a “flash forward” sequence of the character 5 years before they got on that stupid plane, they can just make up whatever they want. What the hell kind of story telling is that!”

Mr. Alva said he was forced into action this winter after viewing the film Cloverfield, a film produced by Lost show creator J.J. Abrams. “Wow what a piece of shit that movie was, it really proved that Abrams isn’t even trying. Cloverfield is the name of the street his office is on. I mean if they are that lazy with naming the title of a huge multi-million dollar feature film how much effort are they putting into Lost? Did you see Cloverfield? That was the worst movie I’ve seen since the live action version of Dogtown and Z Boys!”

Mr. Alva expects the jury to side with him he says, “I expect the jury can relate because most of us have been conned before. I mean how many of us were suckered in by one of those Steven King mini-series or V. Remember how bad V was? If we would have sued then, we wouldn’t be in this mess today. This is a long time coming. Ralph Nader should have been more concerned with the television studios production values instead of worrying about some flaming gas tank. Bad television hurts a lot more people than some defective car."

Mr. Alva’s attorney, Mr. Neil Blender says that they have a long list of surprise witnesses, each one more suprising than the next, including several of the actors from the show. Many he claims will admit on the stand that they are not, and never were, actors. Mr. Blender said that over half of the cast qualifies but that they only plan on using a few select witnesses. He did acknowledge one witness they are bringing to the stand.

“We’re probably going to bring in that drunk lesbian Latino girl that got kicked off the show. She’s perfect to prove the producers never cared about the show in the first place. I mean have you seen her? I’ll go down to the Home Depot on Sunset Boulevard now and grab a day laborer and I guarantee he’ll be a better actor than her. She told us this herself! So I’m not hurting any feelings or saying anything anyone doesn’t already know.”

When Mr. Alva and his lawyer were reminded that television is free and that he could just turn off his television and not watch the show, Mr. Alva responded, “Bullshit. This is America, they owe us!”

Hillary Clinton Says Debate Remark Not Meant as Farewell Not Yet At Least

Clinton Claims Debate Remark “Whatever Happens” Is A New Catchphrase

Hurt By Obam-a-Mania Hillary Tries Out New Catchphrase



Hillary Clinton in a speech earlier this year trying out the catchphrase, "Vote For Me or Get the Back Of My Hand Bitch!" The phrase was a failure with the voters in Maine.


Hillary Rodham Clinton’s Aides today insisted that Hillary’s use of the phrase “Whatever Happens” at the end of the last nights debate was not a hidden code for her clearly obvious failed bid at the presidency but instead she was infusing new vigor and energy into the campaign by introducing a new catchphrase.

“Whatever Happens”, it’s a two-fer phrase,” explained Hillary Clinton aide Mr. Duane Perkins. “That means you can use it in two or more situations. And last night she was just, you know trying to connect with the youth when she said it. Chelsea said the kids were using the phrase all the time at Harvard.”

When asked for a time when the phrase might be appropriate? Perkins replied, “Oh you know like for instance if you order a pepperoni pizza but they tell you they are out and you might get sausage instead you say okay, “Whatever Happens” or if maybe you’re breaking up or ending a relationship and your not sure what the future holds, you might say “Whatever Happens”.

Mr. Perkins was asked if the Clinton campaign has any more new catch phrases they will be introducing in the later stages of the campaign. “Yes we’re working on a couple but we haven’t perfected them yet. We don’t want people to misinterpret our next phrase like they did with this one.” Mr. Perkins was pressed further what the phrase might be. He would only say it will include the words, I quit.

DEATH OF EX-COP DREW PETERSON’S 3rd WIFE WAS HOMICIDE STILL NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE FOR LAW ENFORCMENT

LOCAL POLICE SAYS MORE PROOF AND EVIDENCE NEEDED TO MOVE ON PETERSON

If a 5th Body Shows Then We’ll Have Something to Work With Says Local Law Enforcement


"If Drew would video tape his next murder that would really help out with our investigation." said one unnamed Illinois law enforcement source. Most rational people want to believe Mr. Peterson is to stupid to successfully hide one murder, let alone two.


"We have been investigating this as a murder since reopening the case in November of last year," Will County State's Attorney Mr. James Glasgow said. "We now have a scientific basis to formally and publicly classify it as such."

When asked what that means for the investigation, Mr. Glasgow elaborated. “Well in scientific terms it means she didn’t choke and drown herself to death, someone else was able to do it for her.”

Mr. Glasgow was asked what about her husband, Drew Peterson? Who has been named as a person of interest in his 4th wife’s disappearance.

“”No, I seriously doubt Drew Peterson had anything to do with her death. Young, strong women in their early 20’s fall down in the bathtub every day and drown. It’s actually a national disgrace that the public isn’t more aware of this phenomenon.”

Mr. Glasgow added, “Besides Mr. Peterson is white and a veteran police officer, we don’t just arrest cops, especially white ones.”

When asked what he needs to bring in Mr. Peterson the State Attorney replied, “More scientific evidence. If we had another body that might help. If a 5th body shows up we’ll have something to work with but before then I’m just going to need more scientific evidence.”

Mr. Glasgow added, “I hope maybe J. Edgar Hoover and his boys in Washington read this over the wire and send us some help. Maybe the feds can come in here and help us pin these murders on someone. Maybe one of the local blacks? ‘Cause boy these have really got us stumped!”

Barack Obama's BARACK-O-MANIA New Catchphrase Obama-Banged

NEW BARACK-O-MANIA CATCHPRHRASE
OBAMA-BANGED

LIGHT SKINNED BLACK MEN ACROSS COUNTRY SAID TO BE REEPING IT IN WITH
WOMEN OF ALL ETHNICITIES


O.J. Simpson is bummed his current legal troubles have kept him from going out on the campaign trail and stumping white women for his friend Barack Obama.

“Man I ain’t bragging or anything but this has been a good year with the ladies, an exceptionally good year.” says Mr. Adam Ward of Hollywood. “And it’s only what February? My God can you imagine if he wins the nomination. It will be a crazy summer I can tell you that. I’ll probably end up with a hernia. At least.”
Mr. Ward, an actor from Hollywood and a Obama volunteer, says he's never been lacking in the romance department but can’t believe the blowout from the current wave of Barack-o-mania.

Mr. Ward reportedly was in Des Moines when he first heard the term Obama-Banged.
“Someone yelled it out when I entered the local coffee shop, I think it was either one of the local farmers or a reporter from the New York Times, anyway, someone yelled out "hey boy you look like you was obama-banged.”. At first I took offense to the remark, not the boy part, but I thought maybe he meant that I slept with Barack Obama? It wasn't until later I found out it was a New York Times reporter who yelled it. Apparently he was trying to compliment me in his own weird New York Times way and of course the Times is now trying to take credit for the term. Someone from USA Today said Oprah’s staff came up with the phrase last year when Obama went on The Oprah Winfrey Show and of course the Times can't confirm their source. As usual."

When asked what he thinks will happen if Barack wins the Presidency? “Oh Man, I don’t even want to think about it. I'll probably move to a country where they hate Americans so I can get some damn peace and quiet.”

Pentagon Says It’s Confident Missile Hit Satellite Tank

FEMA ASKS PENTAGON TO LET IT CLAIM SUCCESS

C’MON GUYS JUST GIVE US THIS ONE ASKS EMBATTLED DIRECTOR


The Pentagon shot down the errant missile because it contains the same harmful chemicals FEMA trailers are made of.

The Pentagon today successfully shot down an errant missile that had been launched jointly by Google and the Rand Corporation. It was worried debris from the falling missile might fall in Egypt or at a Pinkberry’s, causing further damage to American popularity abroad. The success also gives a big boost to the pentagons fledgling Star Wars missile defense system. A spokesperson for Ronald Reagan had no comment and Caspar Weinberger was also unavailable for comment.

Newly appointed FEMA Director and Former President of the Southern California Polo Society Rusty Preisendorfer has been calling the Pentagon all morning. “We’re going to ask them if they will let us have this one, you know with all the success the military has had lately with the surge and all, they don’t need this one. As soon as we figure out how to work this phone system and get a call through, I’m sure they won’t have any problem sharing their success.”
When asked what he would do if the Pentagon would not share. Preisendorfer replied, “I don’t know. Maybe we’ll go catch Bin Laden and see how they like that.”

Nude Lindsay Lohan Photos Crash New York Magazine's Web Site

AIDES SAY ACTRESS TOOK PHOTO SHOOT TO FAR SHOT DEMAROL, ADDED COTTAGE CHEESE TO ASS, TRIED TO BANG CLINTON SIBLINGS


Recent photo of Lindsay Lohan and her friend "you know that girl that used to be on the O.C. & whose name is hard to pronounce?" Hollywood insiders say the Chateau Marmont is safe to visit right now since Lindsay is at the beach.



Aides for infamous Hollywood celebrity and occasional actress Lindsay Lohan say the actress took the realism of a recent Marilyn Monroe shoot to far. “She was serious about preparing for this role. She must have added at least 40 pounds to her ass in the last month. Thank god she quit doing cocaine and started Ben & Jerry’s. If only she would have taken preparing for Prairie Home Companion so seriously.”, said her former assistant Kyle Campbell. Campbell quit working for Miss Lohan this week to run an insane asylum in Kosovo and also help tour manage for the band Slightly Stoopid.

Kyle continued. “She really wanted to be like Marilyn but then she took it to far. She started shooting Demerol at night and then licking Benzedrine strips to wake up in the morning. She also tried to seduce Roger Clinton and Chelsea Clinton. The secret service wouldn’t let her near Chelsea but Roger visited a few times but I think she was pretty out of it, I think she thought he was Bill.” Campbell added, “It was definitely Roger though cause he promised Lindsay he could “probably” get her a pardon if she donated to his lobbying firm if she ever gets federal time. Campbell added, “She probably will eventually get federal time so that’s a good hook up for her.”

When asked if he thought the classy Marilyn photo shoot could help spark a return for former Herbie the Lovebug star the former assistant Mr. Campbell started laughing, “Do you know how much it costs to insure a feature film. Have you seen the guys who underwrite films? They wear suits and fly Gulfstreams IV’s.. they need more than a 30 day chip, plus she’s old now and the girl from Juno is….and… dude her caree….. “ Mr. Campbell was laughing hysterically and was unavailable to finish the rest of his sentence.

A&E RESTARTS 'Dog the Bounty Hunter' DESPITE N-WORD USE

A&E RESTARTS 'Dog the Bounty Hunter' DESPITE N-WORD USE
WILL REPLACE UGLY FAT WIFE WITH BLACK ACTRESS NELL CARTER

DUANE THE DOG WILL NOW ONLY SLAG OTHER RACES
LATINOS, FAT HAWAIIANS & OVERWEIGHT REDNECKS STILL FAIR GAME


This season A&E will be upgrading the reality TV show "Dog the Bounty Hunter". Duane Chapman's wife will be replaced by a more photogenic black actress. Duane has been taking English lessons and will now limit the use of the word "brother" to only 50 times a show.

Duane “Dog” Chapman show “Dog The Bounty Hunter” will return to production this season, while A&E executives will keep a tight reign on his racially insensitive remarks.

A&E Executive Garrett Jacobs announced today that Duane Chapman’s reality television show Dog The Bounty Hunter will return to production.

Jacobs said, “Duane really did us a big favor last season by using the N-word, we were able to stop production and retool. People were getting pretty tired of the show, I mean how many times can you see a bunch of illiterate white boys dressed for a 80’s Judas Priest concert drive around Hawaii with walkie talkies pretending to be able to talk Hawaiian, you know what I mean“brah”, while chasing the same tired samoan crystal meth dealers?

Jacobs continued, “So we’re retooling, we figured if Dog had a black wife it would change the dynamics of the show.”

When told that Nell Carter has been dead for almost 5 years Jacobs replied, “Yeah we know that. We were able to negotiate with her people and get her below scale. She’s a real catch. She’ll bring a whole new dymanic to the show”

Reportedly A&E was also in talks with another popular dead black actor, Mr.Redd Foxx, but negotiations broke off because Mr. Foxx is actually more of a rascist than the Dog.

BARKLEY JORDAN TO PLAY 2008 NCAA TOURNAMENT SKINNY WHITE CHRISTIAN COLLEGE ISSUES CHALLENGE

CHARLES BARKLEY MICHAEL JORDAN TO PLAY SKINNY WHITE BOYS AT 2008 NCAA BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT

FAKE CHRISTIANS CHALLENGE CHARLES BARKLEY TO A BASKETBALL GAME


Sir Charles Barkley comments last week on CNN during the NBA All Star Game, has incensed fake Christians at Fox News and everywhere else. A group of skinny, white Christians are challenging him to a basketball game. Here Mr. Barkley is photographed during one of his recent workouts.


Born Again Christians at Oral Roberts University who were incensed at basketball great Charles Barkley slur against their faith last week, during the NBA All Star game, have challenged Mr. Barkley to a basketball game.

“Fake Christians? Wow. I don’t even know how to respond. If he was referring to evangelical leaders like Ted Haggard and Jerry Falwell and Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart, those weren’t fake Christians. They were just non-practicing Christians who were profiting off of other Christians. How is that fake? That’s just good business sense.” Says junior forward, Robert White, III of Tulsa, Oklahoma.

White and the other members of the evangelical Christian university saw the broadcast of Barkley on youtube this weekend. “At first we were going to just boycott the All Star Game but then we would have missed the slam dunk contest and watching Magic Johnson in a business suit while trying to pronounce words with more than 2 syllables and that would have just been punishing ourselves.” White said. Instead they have called out Barkley and will play him in between the first and second rounds at the NCAA Tournament in Anaheim in March.

Barkley is reportedly out of condition and overweight right now. In fact he is so overweight right now that the Scottsdale Country Club has banned Mr. Barkley from stepping onto their putting greens. The golf club’s greens keeper, a Jason Cohn, reportedly suffered a heart attack 2 weeks ago when he saw Mr. Barkley’s Escalade pull into the parking lot.

“Since Barkley is so overweight he’s really like 4 guys. So to keep it fair, he gets to pick one other person. We don’t care who it is. He can pick Jordan if he wants or Joan of Arc for all we care. We can’t lose because we have God on our side.”

Barkley was at a T.G.I.F. Friday’s and unavailable for comment. A spokesperson for Mr. Barkley said, “Charles will play them anytime, anyplace, as long as it doesn’t interfere with any tee times or beer commercial shoots.” Asked about potential playing partners, “Yeah he will probably pick Michael Jordan, not because Jordan is still in great playing shape and can dominate. If these guys play together Nike will be able to commemorate it in shoe form and clear a couple more million this year.”

Asked if Barley wasn’t just a bit worried about the 60 minute match up with 5 young men, who may not have the skills of Sir Charles but are still in excellent condition, the spokesperson responded.

“Charles doesn’t need God on his side, he’s got Jordan and Nike.”

Cubans wonder who will succeed Fidel Castro WHILE DONALD TRUMP, STEVE WYNN & THE NEW JERSEY MAFIA START MOVING IN

CUBANS WORRY & WONDER WHO WILL SUCCEED FIDEL CASTRO WHILE DONALD TRUMP, STEVE WYNN, McDONALDS & THE NEW JERSEY MAFIA START PLANS TO MOVE IN


Soon ugly and gaudy buildings like this will be popping up all over Cuba.

Dateline Havana
19 Feb 20008

While ordinary Cuban citizens woke up this morning wondering who would lead Cuba into the 21st Century, casino magnates and underworld figures were scrambling and readying their plans for bringing gambling, whores and drugs back to Cuba.

Carlo Tagliano of East Rutherford, New Jersey was quoted as saying, “We’re going to pick right back up were our uncles and fathers were at in the 60’s. Quite frankly I’m very excited. We haven’t had a business opportunity like this in years. It’s like the Godfather 2 only in reverse. It’s hard to find a downside. I mean c’mon, 40 years of a collapsed infrastructure and a corrupt government equals great business opportunities. Half of the country doesn’t even have running water, we can buy off every cop, judge and peasant in the country. Plus it’s going to save us a couple million dollars on gas yearly, now we can run cocaine through Cuba straight into Florida, we’ll cut out the Bahamas. Which is another plus cause our wife’s have been nagging us for the last couple years to go green, this should shut them up for a while.”

It’s no secret that Steve Wynn has had plans for Guatanamo Bay Resort and Casino. Wynn was quoted this morning, “We have been anticipating this day for years. We have a deal with the U.S. Government to take over the Gitmo Bay prison and turn it into a world class resort. It’s a pretty simple deal actually, we’re just doing a swap, the government is going to take over the failing Golden Nugget and turn it into a prison. Hey lets be honest, nobody goes to downtown Las Vegas in over thirty plus years. The Fremont Street experience is a huge failure, I’ve been telling everyone for years we should just turn the whole downtown into a Supermax prison.”

Developer Donald Trump also chimed in this morning, “Cuba has some gorgeous buildings. Some dating back to 400 years, historically and architecturally important. We’re really looking forward to getting in their and imploding those buildings, so we can get some poorly made Chinese steel and gaudy faux Italian designed building’s up." When asked; What if the Cubans don't want your new casinos and buildings? Trump said, "The Cuban people don’t know what they want until I tell them what they want.”

INVESTORS CHEER AS TOSHIBA GOES BACK TO MAKING JUNK!

INVESTORS CHEER AS TOSHIBA DROPS HD DVD AND GOES BACK TO MANUFACTURING WHAT IT KNOWS BEST, JUNK


Soon Toshiba HD-DVD players will be the leading innovation available at your local garage sale for about $20. That's almost a 200% price drop. Toshiba has scrapped its plans for its combination HD DVD and Laser Disc player.


Toshiba has surrendered and capilated in the high def DVD war. Toshiba had been battling it out with Sony and its version of Hi Def DVD, Blu-Ray. Toshiba’s HD DVD was considered by many to be a superior format, even though traditionally Toshiba was known for manufacturing lower end electronics.

A source at Toshiba told Reuters on Saturday that the electronics conglomerate was planning to give up on the HD DVD format after losing the support of key retailers and several movie studios including Warner Brothers. The source at Toshiba added that Sony executives move at the CES convention last month to treat all the movie and television studio executives to “all the cocaine and whores they could ever want” was a bold move and was the last nail driven in to the coffin for Toshiba.

Toshiba’s stock price shot up 5% today. Investors were to hear relieved that Toshiba is going back to doing what they do best. “Making crap” as one Toshiba executive so eloquently put it. Kenji Suki, was also quoted as saying, “Emerson isn’t going to know what hit them. Obviously we can’t compete on the high end market so were going back to doing what we do best, making low end electronics with a ridiculously high mark up. “

INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS TIPS FOR SAVING MONEY - CHEAP CANDY

This is dark chocolate, dark chocolate is supposed to be good for your heart in limited amounts. The flavonoids in the chocolate have the health charateristics, except M&M's removes all the flavanoids because it makes the chocolate taste bitter.

INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS TIPS FOR SAVING $$$ - TIP #1 CHEAP CANDY

I’m not sure if I’m addicted to chocolate, the sugar or the artificial and natural added flavors that are in most of the Hershey’s and Mars products, but I love candy. It’s an addiction millions of us share. This a very obvious tip but some people might overlook this or simply don’t care, regardless here it is, drug stores and grocery stores heavily discount candy after the holidays. Pretty simple really. Christmas of course being the most obvious, followed by Easter and all the major Presidential holidays. Since the candy is packaged in timely, special holiday packaging so once the holiday is done they have to get rid of it, to keep their stores feeling current and fresh. An especially poor time to buy left over candy is Passover. Have you ever had Kosher candy? Trust me it’s not good, it’s like dirt only with no flavor. The best stores to shop? CVS and Rite Aid, though my CVS raised the price back up to its full price before slashing the price, I caught them and called them on it and they knocked the price back down but most stores will jack the price back up before discounting it. Ralphs and Vons both do it, so they’re discounted candy is not a good deal. Also if you wait a couple days, the slash the prices even lower but your choices are less by then but you can still usually grab a few bags of snickers or M&M’s, don’t wait to long or you’ll get stuck with the weird candy, like peppermint flavor kisses and the marshmallow Easter bunnies.

NASCAR IN A PANIC MILLIONS OF FANS CONFUSED AS DALE EARNHARDT JR SWITCHES RIDES & NUMBERS

Dale Earhardt Jr's 2008 Car and Number Change has NASCAR officials worried millions of fans will think Dale, Jr just up and quit.


Dale Earnhardt's, Jr. new 2008 ride, soon the #88 and his new car will appear on t-shirts, foam beer holders and bumper stickers across the country. But NASCAR wonders will it be soon enough to keep fans from mass panic and confusion?

NASCAR executive in Daytona Florida are scrambling today, worried that millions of NASCAR fans will be confused by the ride change of one of their premiere drivers, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. During the off season Mr. Earnhardt who was broiled in controversy, when he decided to not race for his late fathers once prominent company. As one NASCAR executve described off the record, the split from the company that bears his fathers name, "Everyone just assumed that Theresa Earnhardt is a money grubbing whore and Dale's split from his fathers company just proves it."
The split has proven a quandry for NASCAR as they are revving up for the 2008 season's big opening weekend in Daytona, Florida. NASCAR has been scrambling to get the word out about the ride change of one of their most popular drivers. Another part of the problem is Dale Jr has switched his number into a double digit number, 88. Unfortunately double digit numbers have always been a problem for many NASCAR fans, it took almost 3 years for famed driver Richard Petty's number 43 to catch on. Another problem NASCAR has is that the number 88 is traditionally driven by unpopular and "high faluting" drivers. Former #88 driver, Dave Blaney, was so extremely disliked, he was never able to dodge rumors that he enjoyed imported beer and had an Associates degree from a Junior College. Dale will have his work cut out for him this year, a couple of major hurdles, the first is getting fans to memorize the number 88 again and getting fans to respect the number again so on NASCAR official, who would not go on the record, said "big numbers like #88 has a history of being associated with "faggy" drivers, #77 Dave Blaney a few years ago is a good example some fans still haven't forgiven us for him."

One NASCAR official said one solution they have considered is dropping million of leaflets in Florida tonight before the race. A test drop in Raleigh last week did not seem to help. The official said, "The problem is most NASCAR fans can't read, so the flyers were ineffective, we're redoing now them using big pictures and no words just like the flyers the Army drops in Iraq"
NASCAR also hopes that the usual blanket of commericals featuring Budweiser, Wrangler, Hooters and other horrible products will help cut down on the confusion and get the word out. In the meantime NASCAR has braced itself for opening day hoping that they got the word out in time but just in case have hired 200 extra operators to answer phones and alleviate and worries fans may have.

(Sort of) AN INTERVIEW WITH A HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER ABOUT SAM LUTFI

(Sort of) An Interview with a Hollywood Producer About Mr. Sam Lutfi, Britney Spears former (manager?)


Could Sam Lutfi be the next Van Johnson? Who was Van Johnson? Film Historians say he was like Vin Diesel only with a Lutfi edge.

The following is a brief interview with Dylan Shields. Mr. Shields and his beautiful wife Amy are former neighbor’s of Sam Lutfi’s, who is apparently Britney Spears estranged former manager or producer, it's not clear what his association was exactly. Britney’s family has slapped Mr. Lutfi with a restraining order, well technically not yet, because they have not been able to locate Mr. Lutfi to serve the restraining order. Not much is known about Mr. Lutfi. He was quoted in the media as saying that he didn’t care what anybody said about him, i.e. the P.T. Barnum school of any publicity is good publicity. That’s smart. Also he seems to be tall with dark hair and a dark complexion. He wears sunglasses often. That’s all we really know about him. He’s an enigma wrapped in an egg shell. Hopefully this interview with his former neighbor will shed some light on the elusive Mr. Lutfi.

A brief background on Mr. Shields. He is a graduate of the American Film Institute and has worked as an entertainment manager for the last several years. He is an executive producer’s of the feature film, “Half-Life”, which premiered at this year’s Sundance Film Festival. Currently he is producing his second film starring Vincent Gallo. He and his wife are also expecting their first child.

EDITORS NOTE-THE FOLLOWING WAS GOING TO BE AN INTERVIEW BUT LAST NIGHT MR. SHIELDS, HOW DO I PHRASE IT ELOQUENTLY? PUSSED OUT OF THE INTERVIEW BECAUSE HE’S AFRAID OF BEING SUED. IF YOU KNOW MR. SHIELD'S THAN YOU’LL KNOW THIS SOMETIME FLIP FLOPPING AND WIMPY BEHAVIOR IS TYPICAL FOR HIM. BUT I DON'T BLAME HIM IT'S NOT HIS FAULT IT'S IN HIS NERD GENETICS (PLUS WE LIVE IN A LITIGIOUS SOCIETY AND HE HAS A FAMILY & CHIHUAHUA TO PROTECT). IF YOU’VE EVER KNOWN ANY A.F.I. GRADS THAN YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. MOST OF THEM SEEM TO HAVE THE SAME SKETCHY “NERD THAT CAN”T BE RELIED ON IF THERE’S A GUN IN THE ROOM” FEEL. YOU KNOW THE TYPE? IT’S A FUCKING MIRACLE THAT DARREN ARONOFSKY WENT TO A.F.I. HE’S A GENIUS. ANYWAY I CAN JUST PICTURE DYLAN AT THE VEGAS AIRPORT LAST NIGHT TALKING TO HIS WIFE ON THE OTHER LINE ASKING HER IF HE SHOULD PICK UP THE OTHER LINE AND TALK TO ME, SHE OF COURSE SAID NO, DON’T TALK TO THAT FUCKING IDIOT. SHE’S THE ONE WITH THE REAL BALLS IN THE FAMILY. I SHOULD HAVE INTERVIEWED HER INSTEAD. REGARDLESS HERE IS HALF THE INTERVIEW.


First for the record please state your name.

And you are familiar with one Sam Lutfi? You were his former neighbor?

You have worked in the film and entertainment industry for over a decade currently as a manager and producer is that correct?

Did you ever see any evidence that Mr. Lutfi worked in the entertainment industry?

And would you categorize him as a good neighbor or a bad neighbor?

Mr. Lutfi has been accused of verbal abuse. Did he ever verbally abuse you or your wife?

Did you ever see Mr. Lutfi verbally abuse Nuns, Catholic or otherwise. Did you ever see or hear him abuse school children?

Did you ever see Mr. Lutfi wear any clothing that felt abusive to your eyes?

What about those lame Nike or Fila sweat suits. Did you ever see him wearing one of those?

Mr. Lutfi has also been accused of attempted drugging.

Did Mr. Lutfi ever attempt to drug you, your wife or your dog?

Did you ever see Mr. Lutfi try to drug himself?

Okay those are all the questions I have. Thanks for your time.

STRANDED CHINESE ACROBAT TROOP BOOKED FOR VANS WARPED TOUR

STRANDED CHINESE ACROBATS BOOKED FOR 2008 VANS WARPED TOUR



Most kids today think China is just another U.S. territory where flat screen tv's and Nike shoes are made and horrible actresses like the one from Grey's Anatomy are born. This photo is from the 12 day China/Hong Kong War of 1967. No winner was declared in the war though Bruce Lee and the cologne Hai Karate were thought to have benefited greatly from the publicity the war generated.

A troupe of Chinese acrobats brought over to the United States for what they thought would be a 6th month whirlwind tour of performances on college campuses across the United States but who instead found themselves dumped at a homeless shelter in Texas by an unscrupulous Wisconsin promoter have found new life, as a punk rock band, on this summers Vans Warped Tour.

Legendary Concert Promoter and Vans Warped Tour founder Kevin Lyman was so outraged and touched at the same time by a story he saw on CNN about the stranded troupe, he reached out to them and immediately bought out their contract. Mr. Lyman when reached for comment said, “That guy in Wisconsin really paints concert promoters and managers in a bad light.” But he also said, “Chinese performers, what’s that cost, pennies a day? I wish I would have thought of this sooner. Really that guy is a genius.” Details of the contract were not disclosed but it is rumored the Chinese troupe cost Mr. Lyman about "as much as a vintage early 70’s Lighting Bolt single fin surfboard goes for on eBay", right now.

Other details of the contract are not known but Mr. Lyman was also quoted as saying, “ The minimum wage in China is a staggering one dollar an hour, which is almost twice as much as we like to pay our talent or employees on the Warped Tour. But luckily we can justify this contract because these guys will be able to finish out the tour at the new Vans factory in Beijing.”

When asked if he was worried the Chinese troupe would be called out as poseurs or fakes by the young fans for completely lacking any punk roots or musical talent Mr. Lyman said, “No, we had Paramore on the tour last year and no one called them out. These guys fill that vacant hole perfectly." Mr. Lyman was also quoted as saying, “the Chinese troupe’s complete lack of musical talent almost guarantees them a Grammy nomination.” Also when pressed about the fact that the Chinese don't speak any coherent English Mr. Lyman responded "that neither do today's teenagers."

This summer the troupe is scheduled to appear on the Ernie Ball stage and will also open up for The Used.

ROGER CLEMENS BLAMES HOLLYWOOD FOR ROIDS

ROGER CLEMENS blames Hollywood for his steroid abuse and the recent Fall of Western Civilization

America will never be free or safe until Congress cleans up the rampant steroid abuse that is destroying sports. Next on their agenda is to expose professional Golf, specifically Tiger Woods addiction to HGH, money and white women. Woods is expected to be sentenced to some prison time for his role in those horrible Buick commercials.


When your world is crumbling apart and your searching for a scapegoat, who do you blame? You blame television and Hollywood. Everyone from Idi Amin to Jerry Falwell to Saddam Hussein have blamed their mistakes and society’s ills on Hollywood. Roger Clemens this morning, proved to be no different from anyone else who has been under oath in front of Congress. It seemed that Clemens got lost for a moment and started fishing, but if you think he just randomly tossed in a Hollywood reference, think again. Look behind him, that’s not his family behind him but a high priced team of public relations consultants and lawyers. Clemens is battling not just for his place in history, i.e., the Baseball Hall of Fame, but also for the millions of dollars that goes with it.

When asked directly about Human Growth Hormone……

Clemens- “I still don’t know enough about it. I don’t know, I’ve heard that, I’ve seen things on TV, these guys, guys how it helps them, actors and different things of that nature. I don’t know anything about it.”

It sounds like he is trying to blame his steroid abuse on Hollywood influences and the recent news, i.e. Heath Ledger and Brad Renfro. I wonder which consultant sitting behind him coached him on that earlier this week?

Mark Gonzales Paintings and Some Random Skateboard Trivia.

Not all the paintings done in the 80's were composed with a paint pen and/or spray paint can. The photo is not blurry, it's a technique painters use to fool your eyes and drain your wallet.

Mark Gonzales is one of the most important skateboarders in the history of the sport. His accomplishments and contributions to the sport are to numerous to mention. To simplify it he took vertical skateboarding and applied it to the street. Like his skateboarding he is also a very above average artist with a unique and one of a kind style. At one time I owned two paintings and two or three sketches that Mark had given me. Over the years most were stolen or lost. One painting was a cityscape instead of being painted on masonite or paper they were done with paint pens on a pair of red and black Air Jordan 1’s. A couple years later those Jordan’s were given to a thrift store by my mother. Of course at the time my mom didn’t realize when she gave away those shoes she gave away my down payment for my dream house in Mt. Shasta. Turns out that my mother wasn’t the only Mom who would clean out her son’s closet when they were out of town for any extended time period. Had our mothers known that some day a first edition pressing of Black Flag’s “TV Party Tonight” would be worth hundreds they might not of thrown them away but then again they probably would cause that’s what they’re supposed to do. I cried to my Dad and he told me the story about his Mickey Mantle cards. If my grandfather had been around he probably would have told me about the potato he found as kid in Ireland that was shaped like Attila the Hun. Mothers are supposed to throw valuable items from your childhood away. It’s what they do. Like embarrassing you in public, it’s natural for them, it’s in their breeding. Some of my friends record collections were at risk even if they were just leaving home for a week during spring break, their mothers were that good. It used to be record collections and skateboards would end up in the thrifts now its cd’s, scooters and video games. Anyway God has a strange sense of humor and way of amending and rewarding those of us who try to lead a better life and walk a righteous path. The rest of us he just fucks with all the time. Instead of God giving me back my rightful entitlement which included a nice 1930’s 5 bedroom Spanish adobe with maid quarters and detached stables in Montecito he gave me not one but two Mark Gonzales painting’s. I’m no Mark Gonzales expert, there are people out there who have spent hundreds of thousands on his artwork and skateboards. His skateboards are some of the most collectible period. He could have had a separate career in either medium. But I know a few things about him and why we’re led to believe these paintings are early Mark Gonzales paintings. Like I said, I’m no expert, I didn’t even write this, I went down to the home depot and hired an illegal alien after watching an episode of south park. Nobody is claiming to be an art or mark gonzales expert, if you want to send any angry e-mails send them to Brad Dorfman, Salvador Dali and the guy who invented the metric system.




THE PAINTINGS ……came out of Santa Monica reportedly with other skateboard decks from S.M.A. S.M.A. stands for Santa Monica Airlines. The S.M.A. Natas Kapas Panther Skateboard Deck from the mid to late 80’s is very collectible and has sold for over $1,000 several times (artofskateboarding.com) Natas Kapas was a pro rider, actually the main rider, for S.M.A. Natas was a great skater also, very underrated for his period. Mark and Natas were very good friends and both were artists who inspired each other. The rooming house painting has bold outlines. Mark did not like the name The Gonz much and didn’t know where Chavo was. The women in window and street light are indicative of his style, the pathway has hidden or not so hidden cross at bottom, the rooming house itself looks like it could be in Venice/Santa Monica. The 928 Porsche, Mark liked 928’s, his friend Steve Rocco sold used ones at the car lot he worked at in Redondo. The pool is shaped like a skater would shape a pool. No signature, Mark didn’t like to sign his paintings. Painted on masonite, mark also liked to skate on masonite. Mark owned a ramp with masonite including the ramp that was at the H.B. OP Pro the year of the famous riots, later called the Sure Grip Ramp. Natas Kapas was a champion surfer and owned many surfing trophies. Blind Skateboards is the opposite of Vision. Mark’s Birthday is June 1st. Picasso’s is not. Mark once had a fake i.d. only it wasn't really a fake i.d. , it was a factory blem, the dmv got his birthday wrong so he could drink beer 3 years earlier, mark didn’t care cause he didn't drink but for 18 year old skaters it was big deal and mark became very popular....




It doesn't matter if these are true Mark Gonzales paintings or not because the insurance company thinks they are Keith Haring originals.