Tuesday, March 18, 2008

New Old Slightly Stoopid Graphics Coachella Skate 2008

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"Slightly not stoned" is getting re-released, the first runs sold out. The UB40 cover "i would do for you" is key. It's grammy quality but to get a grammy nomination you have to hire a full time publicist and be spoofed on The Simpsons. A variation of this graphic will probably be used for a limited run skate deck, hopefully for coachella. An extra thick 12 ply maple laminate deck will be designed for kyle since he's put on a bit of weight, some say he looks like a young Brian Wilson, not me though I would never make fun of Kyle.

Monday, March 17, 2008

HEATHER MILLS 50 MILLION FOR FAILURE

HIGH PAY DAY JUDGE SAYS DEMAND FOR ONE LEGGED MODELS AT AN ALL TIME LOW

LENNON ROLLS OVER

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Sun Damaged. Hustler Publisher Larry Flynt has reportedly offered Heather Mills 2 million dollars to keep her clothes on. Heather Mills doctors claim the sun has also damaged her brain.


Heather Mills received 50 million dollars today or as Sir Paul McCartney calls it “about a weeks wages” for failing at marriage with ex-Beatles great Paul McCartney. Sir Paul was quoted as saying, “I’ve learned my lesson mate. I’ll never order another Russian Mail order bride off a website again.” John Lennon reportedly uttered “Mai Pang” and rolled over in his grave when he heard the news.

Miss Mills team of attorney’s said she plans to invest the money wisely. Her lead attorney, Mr. E. Howard Hunt said, “Obviously not on Wall Street because that would be like just throwing money down a toilet and she had to work really, really hard to earn this money.”

Ironically, Miss Mills is reportedly going to use the 50 million to purchase Michael Jackson’s Beatles catalog so Michael Jackson can pay off his Neverland Ranch. Mr. McCartney’s daughter Stella said, “That sounds like something that greedy, peg-legged bitch would do.”

Saturday, March 15, 2008

World Industries 1991 Randy Colvin, Colvinetics, Everslick Deck

World Industries 1991 Randy Colvin Colvinetics, Scienctolgy Spoof Everslick Deck

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Used everslick’s usually have a faded look.

Randy Colvin’s second World Industries deck, Marc McKee was the artist. This one is a rare, everslick version none others are known to exist right now but there are probably a couple more stashed away in closets of former World Industries employees. The everslick version has lighter graphics. Reportedly World Industries was hit with a cease and desist to stop the production of this board ala the Jason Lee Burger King board.

In the late 80’s and 90’s Scientoligist ran commercials in Southern California with this Volcano spewing ash telling that your world would be much calmer if you just buy this book. Many of the spots were only 15 seconds long with just the volcano spewing. This board is a nice tribute to that commercial and proof that all you need is a good graphic designer to start your own religioin. World Industries may have anticipated that the Scientologists would sick a lawyer on them. Certinainly being based in Los Angeles Steve Rocco and friends, knew the power of the Scientolgist’s and assumed their would be legal interference and did a low production run to begin with. Whatever the story, the only documented auction, it went just under $1,000.00. This was nice piece of art to pick up it came an Amy Hempel book and a Jamie Lynn textured top Lib Tech, his second season.

Friday, March 14, 2008

IT’S THE R WORD STUPID, RECESSION SMECCESION

RETURN OF THE R WORD- REAGANOMICS 2008

THE R WORD IS BACK…GOLD HITS 1000 AN OUNCE, OIL AT AN ALL TIME HIGH, HOUSING MARKET IS COLLAPSING, NAGLE PAINTINGS ARE COLLECTIBLE AGAIN………PRESIDENT BUSH ANNOUNCES REAGAN-NOMICS IS BACK!

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He’s back. President Bush said today he was bringing back everything that was popular in the 1980’s that started with the word R. Except for the band The Romantics because “they suck.

President George Bush made a surprise announcement today, saying he was bringing back the R word, Reagan-nomics. President Bush claimed that the popular economics program of the 1980’s would be coming back full force. “Why not?”, he said, “It might actually work this time“ President Bush claimed the Reagan-nomics economic package is recession proof and would get the country out of “whatever it is we’re in right now.”

President Bush added the program would go into affect immediately and they would start program by cutting off Federal Aid and support for the mentally ill. President Bush said the government would be releasing 20,000 mental patients in California alone this week. Mr. Bush quipped that he doubted “anyone in California would notice an extra 20,000 mentally ill people on the street.” In a rare show of support many journalists in the press corp. nodded their heads when Mr. Bush said Californians wouldn’t notice more mentally ill people on the street because they are so self absorbed.

Later in the day a spokesperson for the White House said that the mentally ill would be dropped off in Hollywood and Orange County. Where it would be an easy transition since the mentally ill have already established strong roots in both communities.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Gary Shandling KILLS at the trial of P.I. Anthony Pellicano

COMEDIAN GARY SHANDLING TURNS IN FLAWLESS SET In LOS ANGELES COURTROOM


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Comedian Gary Shandling in simpler times. Moe Sizlak, the surly bartender from The Simpsons is reportedly modeled after Mr. Shandling.

Comedian Gary Shandling reportedly killed with a solid twenty minute set of new material at the trial of former P.I. Anthony Pelicano. The jury was reportedly in stitches, one of the bailiff’s even had to leave the room to change his pants.

Deputy District Attonery John Cruicshank said, “I almost peed my pants when he told the joke about God running wire taps for George Bush. Oh my god, the guy is a genius. Why is he still not on television?”

A.P. reporter Jeff Richards was in the audience and offered this assesement.
“The judge had to stop for recess 3 times he was laughing so hard. Who knew witness intimidation, illegal wiretaps and jury tampering could be so god damn funny!”
The judge said after it was the best set he’s ever seen in an courtroom. He should know. Hell,he’s seen all the veterans.”

Judge Steven Carnan was a legal aide to Mr. Alan Dershowitz, when Mr. Dershowitz performed his legendary ten minute set in front of the Supreme Court in 1975. He was also the presiding judge in 2 of Richard Pryor cocaine & drug abuse cases in the 80’s.

The defendant Mr. Anthony Pelicano, is also acting as his own attorney. When it was his turn to cross-examine Mr. Shandling. A strange twist of events occurred. Instead of cross-examining Mr. Shandling he showed a tape of a past Paula Poundstone performance, it was a benefit comedy show that Mr. Shandling also attended. Most peo in the courtroom thought the Paula Poundstone defense backfired on the novice attorney.

"This bothers me as much as the first time I saw this," the 58-year-old Gary Shandling said about the performance. "It's a creepy feeling."

In fact some of the jury members became so nauseous from the Paula Poundstone video they had to excuse themselves, disrupting the trial. Judge Carnan was forced to order a recess. Cross-examination will resume on Monday giving everyone sufficient time to recover.

Village Pizzeria Hollywood

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Village Pizzeria. Hollywood. Good pizza sometimes, good price always.

6363 Yucca Street (yep the same street with that killer 2 minute long tracking shot when George Kennedy is playing a cop in “Earthquake” and a brief shot of Yucca in “The Italian Job” also.)

323- 790-0763 free delivery, but they’re not open past 9:30, so the free delivery is almost useless.

On Yucca right off of Cahuenga, around the corner from the 7-11 in a formerly very sketchy spot that they have cleaned up and revitalized.

Some of you might be familiar with these guys. They have been in Larchmont Village for several years. Also Berkeley.

This pizza is generally good but the problem is they are inconsistent. You get a different, cook you get a slightly different pie. Also if you go in there near closing at 9:30, (seriously 9:30?) the employees want to get out of there and the toppings get tossed on their haphazardly and it wasn’t cooked through. Damn still want to give these guys a chance, though.

Here’s a few tips that might make you a little bit more popular and oh yeah, make you money, cause isn’t that why your open? If Nike will listen to me, use my ideas and not pay me, than you guys might want to also.

Asparagus Pizza- They suck and have a reputation for sucking, but they didn’t always.
They were good at first but quickly became inconsistent, high turnover and hiring actors and actresses to work there instead of people who want to be there. You guys are following their path, inconsistent and closing to early. Go walk over there right now and see how busy that place is. Guess what it’s not.

Damianos delivers to this neighborhood and its not expensive and just as good. They deliver til midnight whereas Village Pizzeria closes at 9:30. That’s just retarded. No offense to the mentally challenged or anyone who went to Ohio State.

9 fi’ng 30 in the middle of Hollywood in an area where there isn’t that many late night spots to eat at?

You’re almost useless to this neighborhood if you can’t stay open past 9:30.

Worried about the 18th street gangy bangies? Either pay them off or start kicking pies down to the LAPD, trust me they’ll make make a point of swinging by often. They are sick at eating at Birds.

Early evening people looking for an alternative to the 101 coffee shop, actually they are looking for an alternative to the 101 at any time of the day. Nobody ever said the food was good at the 101, (especially the owners) just that its the only place open in the area late night.

Put a folding wood sign on the corner of Cahuenga and Yucca.

Have the city zone 2 or 3 of your parking spots yellow, so people can pull in and get out fast, this especially will help with business late at night.

Hire employees who want to be there, plenty of dudes and dudettes burned out on production work and want a job that wont be in there head when they get home. An 8 or 10 hour shift at a pizza place is a piece of cake compared to a marathon editing session or having to re-shoot a take 27 times at 3 in the morning.

Send some free pies to the guys at Tiny’s K.O., Beauty Bar, Burgundy Room let people know you’re there. Unless of course your not going to stay open past 9:30. Seriously 9:30?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

THE HOLLYWOOD POPEYES 99 Cent CHICKEN TUESDAY & WAFFLES

Popeyes Hollywood As Real As Real Hollywood Gets

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Popeyes Chicken, Hollywood and Cahuenga, a favorite spot of pimps, murderers, ho’s, actors and writers. A must see stop for any tourist who really wants to see Hollywood. Plus Little Richard has been known to do the occasional pop in.

Being a writer in Hollywood with morals and a vision means sometimes you have to humble yourself and suffer for your work. It means you make sacrifices. You don’t waste your energy or talents writing crap for game shows or the C.W. When someone calls you with a tempting ghost writing gig that would solve all your financial problems you have to say no. It takes years to recover from polishing up someone else’s crap so you try to stay away from what normal people would refer to as work. You save yourself for that one script or novel, that one great piece of work, that will push you to the front of the line and gets you the power of people returning your calls and e-mails and giving you free swag at all the awards shows. Or at least when you finally bail out of Hollywood for the mountains you can live with yourself.

Meanwhile, while you wait your turn you try not to humiliate yourself to much. For instance interviewing for the writers assistant job on “Will and Grace” and not getting the job. That’s humiliating. Beyond humiliating. Of course I probably shouldn’t have stopped by Woody Harrelson’s trailer right before I went in to meet the producers. My bad.

Of course the majority of suffering is monetary. Money? You have none. Well really you have an adequate amount of money, but only if you lived in a city like Portland, Seattle or Chicago. But in Los Angeles or New York, forget about it. It’s $4,000 a month just to survive and that’s only if you were lucky enough to find your house or apartment more than 5 years ago, before prices skyrocketed.

Which brings me to another humbling ritual for many writers, actors and artists in my neighborhood. Popeyes Chicken on Cahuenga and Hollywood Boulevard. The Tuesday’s 99 cent 2 piece chicken special. 2 battered greasy pieces of dark meat chicken bathed in fat and oil that makes no promise that it doesn’t contain trans-fats. While my friends are dining down the street on $40 sushi rolls at Katsuya with Justin Timberlake, I’m down the street standing in the 99 cent chicken line with Just Homeless and his crew. Hell yeah its’s humiliating. It’s also funny. In a sad way. And if it doesn’t motivate you to work harder, than nothing ever will.

I urge all tourists who want to know what it feels like to live and suffer in Hollywood to go there on a Tuesday. And get in that line. The sights, the smells, the human tragedy, the desperation inside that place, it’s not only the underbelly of Hollywood, it is Hollywood.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

NEW YORK GOVERNOR SPITZER LINKED TO PROSTITUION RING

PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON TOLD HIM IT DOESN’T COUNT AS CHEATING IF YOU’RE IN ANOTHER STATE

MORALISTIC GOVERNOR CONTINUES GRAND TRADITION OF CORUPT & SEAMY NEW YORK STATE POLITICIANS

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The great Charlie Murphy has been picked to lead ex-Governor Spitzer’s legal dream team. Mr. Murphy is said to have taken the job because he wants Hollywood to take him more seriously as an actor. Mr. Murphy recently lost out on the lead role in No Country for Old Men to Javier Bardem.

Soon to be former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, also known as customer #9 by the Federal Government, has taken the classic Hollywood defense used for years by actors, musicians, stand-up comedians and other entertainers. “The Hollywood defense or as some people call it, the out-of-state, out-of-mind defense, is pretty simple and it applies to my client. If you are out of your state or out of the country, and you bang someone else it doesn’t count as cheating.” said Mr. Spitzer’s attorney, Mr. Lloyd Braun today.

He continued, “It was Errol Flynn who coined the phrase Hollywood defense, but he learned it from the old vaudeville guys. It goes way back. Henny Youngman and Jackie Gleason both wrote about it in their autobiographies. In fact Frank Sinatra and his lawyers used the defense several times through decades of divorce and paternity hearings.”

Mr. Braun also added that they are assembling a “dream team” of lawyer’s for Mr. Spitzer’s defense, both criminal and divorce. He has hired Pete Townshend’s lawyer who got him off of pedophilia charges and also O.J. Simpson’s original defense team. Since Johnny Cochran has passed away they have hired Eddie Murphy’s brother, Charlie Murphy to lead the legal dream team in the courtroom.

When told that Charlie Murphy has no legal skills and seems an odd choice Mr. Braun replied, “He’s an actor, I know but that’s okay because the law doesn’t apply to New York courtrooms.”

Monday, March 10, 2008

41 MILLION AMERICANS GET FREE DRUGS FROM DRINKING WATER

HEALTH CARE EXECUTIVES TO START BILLING MUNICIPILATIES FOR CONTENTS OF DRUGS IN DRINKING WATER

NO MORE FREE RIDES DECLARES HMO EXECUTIVE

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Barry Bonds “alleged” use of steroids and human growth hormone has helped to make San Francisco’s drinking water rich in nutrients and supplements. A spokesperson for the F.D.A. said San Francisco’s drinking water reportedly has more ‘roids in it than a 1980’s Russian weightlifter.

Health Care executive across the country were shocked to find out that over 41 million Americans have been receiving free drugs, delivered to them via their local water systems. Health Care executives and representatives from the F.D.A. have been working around the clock this past weekend trying to come up with a billing system for each city, based on their particular drug use.

"It’s complicated", Phizer spokesperson Mr. Ian MacKaye said. “For instance the water in San Francisco has large traces of human growth hormones in it. We’re not sure if that is because of the large trans-gender population or from Barry Bonds. Regardless, there are a lot of menopausal women in that city who are getting a free ride right now and we are going to put a stop to it. They might give out free drugs and healthcare in Mexico, Canada and other 3rd world countries but we don’t do that here, that’s Un-American.”

Pressed further Mr. MacKaye said “New York City has large traces of tranquilizers and sedatives. There are huge traces of Xanax in New York’s water. We think George Steinbrenner had the water spiked in the 70’s when Billy Martin was a Yankee. Obviously it never calmed down Billy Martin but the Xanax played a large role in New York’s great revival in the late 90’s. Obviously we are going to have to ease New York City gradually off of the Xanax. There is always a slight chance a New Yorker could get violent. We’ll probably ease them over to a milder anti-anxiety medicine and of course a generic drug so the city will save money.”

Mr. MacKaye also stated that they found 2 hereto undiscovered drugs in New Jersey’s drinking water. “We’re not sure what the 2 new drugs do exactly. We’re pretty sure they are sedatives but the F.D.A. is going to conduct a series of tests. Obviously they are very strong drugs because the people live in New Jersey. For years people have wondered why anyone would stay in New Jersey? Jon Bon Jovi is from their from gods sakes, what sane person would want to live in the same state as him? Well now we know why people stay in New Jersey, because clearly they are on very, very strong drugs. He added, “New Jersey can expect to see a bill by early April.”

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Cheap Gas

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Gas prices got you down? Think about how much it costs to fill up not just a jet but the aircraft carrier to land it on.

Friday, March 7, 2008

NO AD SUNSCREEN SPF45 and the 99 Cent store

Angelina Jolie, Jon Voight and how Sunscreen is Saving Africa and Helping Hollywood’s Bottom Line

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There's nothing funny about skin cancer in Hollywood or anywhere else for that matter. Unless of course, you are referring to the scene with John Candy and the school principal in Uncle Buck, now that was funny.

I once worked on a documentary for a minor Hollywood celebrity. Give people a couple dollars and put them in front of a camera and they think their life has meaning. That’s debatable. But I was given a camera and some subjects and went with it. I interviewed several prominent people. The only person who had anything interesting to say was Jon Voight. And it wasn’t about acting, God or Angelina Jolie. We spoke for a while about raising kids in California. He did the same thing my parents did. It was very popular in the 70’s and 80’s. A California tradition, anglo, latino, black, asian, didn’t matter. Instead of hiring a babysitter in the summer you dumped your kid(s) at the beach. Come back in 8 hours and hopefully they will be worn out and tired. Rinse, repeat, do it again next day, all summer. East Beach, Goleta, Huntington, Portolo, Newport, Malibu, didn’t matter, different beach, same sun.

What did Jon Voight do differently than most of our parents? Besides the Guatemalan housekeeper at his kids side the whole time? Sunscreen. That’s right he said he always made sure his kids had plenty of sunscreen. Sunscreen? If it wasn’t for sunscreen Angelina would probably have shriveled up into a prune by now and be looking like Paula Abdul. So look at it this way, if it wasn’t for sunscreen, Angelina would have to rely on acting abilities and not her looks. Brad would have never asked her to dinner that fateful night. Paramount would not have the influx of cash from the Laura Croft films and without Brad and her franchise, she would have never been able to afford to adopt kids from Ethiopia.

And don’t forget that one song by that guy Baz in the 90's? where he says, “my advice to the graduating class, is always wear sunscreen.”

This NO AD Sunscreen SPF 45 is UVA and UVB. Consumer Reports rated it as the best sunscreen and best value. Wal-Mart carries a 16 ounce bottle for just under $9.00 with tax. The 99 cent stores are carrying it right now for 99 cents. Probably will be there all summer. So if you’re a parent get out there and get it for your kids so they will have a fighting chance at a career in Hollywood or even the real world. When was the last time you saw a suntan on a Nobel laureate? Think about it, the money you save can be used to bribe the admissions director at your local charter school.

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FLORIDA AND MICHIGAN PRIMARY NUMBER TWO REDO

REPUBLICAN PARTY TO SPRING FOR FLORIDA & MICHIGAN PRIMARIES PROMISES TO CONTROL FLORIDA RESULTS

WHAT THE HELL IT’LL BE FUN! BESIDES WE DON’T HAVE A SNOWBALLS CHANCE IN HELL IN NOVEMBER ANYWAY, SAYS RNC CHAIRMAN

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A recent Gallup poll in USA Today found that most Americans consider Florida a 3rd World country, ranking it behind Mexico and Puerto Rico in popularity. The poll also found that Americans are willing to give Florida back to Cuba as long as they also take Jeb Bush, Rush Limbaugh and buy out Shaqille O’Neal’s contract with the Miami Heat.


The furor over the uncounted Florida and Michigan Democratic primaries has been solved. The Republican National Party has stepped up to the plate and said they will pay to redo both primaries in Michigan and Florida. “We already have our people in place so we can control the votes and who wins in Florida. It’ll be fun just like it was in 2000.” RNC chairman Billy Bush said today.

He added, “Besides it’s not like we will actually win the general election in November. We’ve got a huge surplus of cash. Ever since Rush Limbaugh gave up his Vicodin addiction our coffers in Florida have risen substantially.”

Mr. Bush also added, “Thanks to my idiot cousins total lack of bargaining chips with OPEC, I expect that gas prices will be at $5.00 a gallon by November. At $5.00 a gallon most American’s won’t be able to afford to drive to the voting booths, so we might as well knock out as many elections as we can right now, while the economy is still so vibrant and robust.”

When asked who the RNC plans on stating as winner in the Florida Democratic Primary Mr. Bush responded, “Oh definitely Obama, I expect Hillary will probably win the popular vote count by about 1,000 votes or so but we will declare Barack Obama the victor.”

Asked why, the RNC would do such a thing Mr. Bush responded, “Because we can, besides it will really mess with the Clinton's heads.”

Thursday, March 6, 2008

RIVERHEAD TO PUBLISH ADOLPH HITLER & HOWARD HUGHES DIARIES

JAMES FREY TO EDIT NEW RIVERHEAD SEMI-FICTION NICHE DIVISION, POSEUR

ANNOUNCES FUTURE BOOK DEALS WITH ART BUCHWALD, NAPOLEON, HELEN KELLER’S CRACK DEALER & TUPAC SHAKUR

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Author Margaret B. Jones attended the same elite high school as actress Maggie Gyllenhaal. Ironically besides sharing the same first name, both girls were standouts at the school. Their plain, average looks and poor acting skills set them apart from their classmates.

Looking for one of the 20,000 copies of the new book “Love and Consequences” but can’t find one? Riverhead Books, the book’s publisher has also noticed that store shelves across the country are empty. In fact all 20,000 copies that were released this week have flown off of store shelves as quickly as they arrived. Now Riverhead Books is hoping to capitalize on the success of a new genre of books, semi-fiction. Riverhead has started a new boutique imprint, Poseur. First off for the new publishing house, another hot printing of “Love and Consequences”, the new semi-autobiography by author Margaret B. Jones or Margaret Seltzer or Maggy B. or Little Miss Liar. or M.C. Fake Author or Maggs da Phony or Margie the Storyteller or several of the other names that she has gone by over the last 3 years.

Riverhead CEO David Vigliano was asked about the author changing her name several times over the last few years.

“ Frankly we weren’t sure what to call her anymore. She kept giving us a different name every time she came in to edit. The last year or so we just started calling her “hey you”. It was a little bit uncomfortable in a professional business setting but hey what are you going to do? These books don’t write themselves, unless of course it’s a celebrity’s book, than they we actually do hire someone to write them.”

Vigliano continued, “We were to busy getting the advertising campaign, the website, press and film deals in place. You know dealing with lawyers and contracts every few days, oh yeah plus I think someone was editing the book. The public doesn’t realize that there is a lot to do when you publish a book and there is not time to do background checks on every author. That would take at least an hour of our time to call a private detective and run a TRW check. We are a small million dollar corporation and don’t have the time or budget. Besides we were trying to sell this story to Miramax and the Weinstein brothers. Hollywood? They don’t care about facts they just want to know what the bottom line is and what the gross will be. We’re not interested in facts, unless they help us sell our product. In fact, facts have no place in the modern media just like they have no place in organized religion!”

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

FDA SAYS CHINA DRUG HEPARIN TIED TO DEATH

DRUG THAT KILLED 19 PEOPLE TIED TO CHINA, PILLS REPORTEDLY COATED WITH LEAD PAINT

TOY MANUFACTURER EXECS HOPE IT TAKES HEAT OFF OF THEM BUT HOPE DOESN’T CAUSE A RISE IN THE PRICE OF LIPITOR

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The F.D.A. admitted today that when you hire people who don’t have any teeth and spit on the ground at crowded restaurants $1.00 an hour or less to manufacture life saving drugs, mistakes may occur.

The United States Food and Drug Administration issued their first safety recall for a product from China that has killed more than a dozen people but did not contain beef and is not a child’s toy.

The F.D.A. issued the recall today after 19 people died from drugs containing Heparin. F.D.A. spokesperson Bill Bradley said they were going to wait for 20 people to die but everyone in the office had planned on an early weekend for almost 6 months now, so they decided to issue the warning and recall tonight so nobody’s weekend would be disrupted.

Mr. Bradley stated, “19 deaths from a drug made in China from pig intestines is nothing to get concerned about. It’s not like it’s e-coli from beef at a fast food restaurant or lead paint at a toy store. Mr. Bradley was asked how many medicine cabinets he thinks the tainted medicine may be in?, “About 1 million to 22 million consumers homes, somewhere along those lines.” When Mr. Bradley was told that 21 million is a pretty wide number, he responded, “Sure maybe if this stuff was made in the United States but it was made in China. China doesn’t have any product or safety codes. They think codes are for losers like the Taiwanese. And you know what maybe they are right. Because when was the last time you heard about Taiwan? Exactly. Anyway, for all we know they made 100 million of these tablets and dumped the rest off on the French. Which is what we hope they did. Because nobody likes the French, especially the French.”

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

JOHN MCCAIN SPEECH TUESDAY NIGHT SAYS “MY FRIENDS” A RECORD 311 TIMES

BEATS PREVIOUS RECORD HELD BY THE WHOLE TUSCON SWAP MEET

STAFF WORRIED VOTERS WILL THINK MCAIN IS AN ARMENIAN USED TELEVISION SALESMEN

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Larry, a used car salesman from Sun City, claims to have taught Senator McCain the phrase "my friends" during a campaign stop in the mid-90's.


Senator John McCain’s staff warned him using the phrase “my friends” more than 200 times in his speech on Tuesday night would annoy and irritate voters. It also caused many voters to have flash backs, you know “of that time they took that vacation in that one weird country you know the one with the name that is hard to pronounce? and they tried to buy a souvenir for Aunt Sophie back home and the salesman kept trying to sell them everything else in the store and the only English phrase he could say is My Friends, my friends, my friends about 30 times with bad breath before pointing and saying “you like, is cheap, is very cheap.”

2nd SUPER TUESDAY SHOCKER BILL CLINTON WILD SNL CLAIMS

ONLY PHONE CALLS EVER MADE AT 3 A.M. FROM WHITEHOUSE WERE FOR DOMINOES PIZZA

HILLARY’S SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKIT WAS PANDERING & UNFUNNY CRAP SAYS FORMER GOVERNOR IT MADE HIM REALLY MISS PHIL HARTMAN & EVEN DAVID SPADE

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Former President Bill Clinton wants SNL producer Lorne Michaels to bring the funny back to SNL. He wants him to relax his restrictions on hiring actual comedians and writers with substance abuse problems, talent and stage presence. He also wants Eddie Murphy to come back and play Obama and Gumby. Clinton claims Mr. Murphy owes the American public for Norbit, Dr. Doolittle and all the other pieces of crap he keeps putting out every year.

Former President Bill Clinton commented about Hillary Clintons’s appearance on SNL this past weekend. The former President was speaking to a group of young women at a shelter for fallen ex-strippers in Cleveland,Ohio.

“Boy has that show really gone to shit. Hasn’t it? I tried watching it this weekend but couldn’t even get through Hillary’s skit. The show is so bad now, I was missing David Spade! I mean David Spade, c’mon!”

When asked how he thinks the show can make improvements Mr. Clinton offered up a few words of advice. “Bring back Phil Hartman and hire some real f'ing writers. Get some real comedians who work the clubs every night in there. Instead of these little penis sucking Ivy Leaguers who have no real world experience and think they're funny cause they wrote for the Harvard Lampoon for half a semester. Give me a break! Those little fags and their material wouldn’t last 2 minutes on stage at the Comedy Store or Caroline’s.”

When Mr. Clinton was told that his words seem very harsh and critical he responded, “Shut Up! You’re taking my words out of context.”

Monday, March 3, 2008

HILLARY VOWS TO CHANGE CAMPAIGN STANCE AGAIN NO MATTER WHAT THE OHIO TEXAS PRIMARY RESULTS BRING

MUST NOT SWITCH THEME OF SWITCHING THEME NOW

SHOWING LEADERSHIP SKILLS THAT YOU WOULD WANT A LEADER TO SHOW AT 3 A.M. WHEN THE PHONE RINGS AND ITS CHELSEA WITH A FLAT TIRE & NO SPARE

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No matter what happens tomorrow, the Clinton campaign vows to stay the course of not knowing what the course is.


Mrs. Hillary Clinton is vowing to stay the course and change her campaign stance and views, regardless of tomorrow’s outcome in Ohio and Texas. Senator Clinton spoke to reporters outside a halfway house for former Ohio State football players, “The voters have come to expect the unexpected and not know what to expect and being consistent or on target now, well that would be unexpected.”

When pressed about what she expects tomorrow she added, “I’m not going to get drawn into some unexpected or expected guessing games.” Mrs. Clinton was asked if the firing of her 10 million dollar a year consultant had anything to do with her campaign’s them of wishy-washiness she said, “Maybe, maybe not.”

Sunday, March 2, 2008

OPENING DAY DODGERS JOE TORRE KEEP IT CLEAN JOE, KEEP IT CLEAN

April 10, 1962

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Whoever said a picture is worth a thousand words knew what they were talking about. This photo is a nice way to welcome another New York transplant. A good reminder. The first opening day April 10, 1962. Early and overcast morning, Dodger executive, happy wife and excuberant grandson. Pre-vietnam. Pre-steroids. The paint on the asphalt snaps. The smile on the kids face says it all.