JACK JOHNSON CLAIMS HE WON’T QUIT RELEASING THE SAME SONG OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL HIS SURFBOARD COLLECTION IS BIGGEST IN WORLD
Critics say Jack Johnson has been to busy surfing for the last 10 years to record any new or original material. Mr. Johnson also surfs and skates regular foot, another strike against him. Here he is his pictured with a vintage 10 foot Gerry Lopez single fin that he paid to much for.
The remaining 12 members of the record industry and the music critics at Maxim magazine were shocked this week when the advanced copy of Jack Johnson’s new full length album arrived; and it sounds exactly like all the other Jack Johnson albums.
“Yeah we’ll no duh, what do you expect he likes to surf all day and throw vegetarian barbecues, he’s doesn’t have time to practice or go in the studio.” says Mr. Johnson's surf partner and former Beastie Boys roadie Mike Nishita. “I know everyone expects Jack to evolve musically and reach another level but it ain’t gonna happen. Jack only knows how to play 9 chords, he’s no Brad Nowell or Bob Marley, hell he ain’t even Half-Pint, so they need to just back the f**** off.”
Mr. Johnson’s manager, Mr. Opie Ortiz refuted some of Mr. Nishita’s comments, “That’s not entirely true, Jack actually knows how to play 10 chords on his guitar. We bought him one of those Ernie Ball books and he learned a new chord last summer.” When asked why every Jack Johnson song sounds exactly like the last Jack Johnson song, Mr. Ortiz elaborated, “That’s because we recorded all his songs at the same time about 10 years ago, right before his 40th birthday. Jack doesn’t need to record any new material ever again. Actually except for touring we really don’t need Jack anymore. When we need a new album we just remix the old tracks. Hey, Tupac releases a new double album every year and nobody complains about that.”
When told that Tupac is dead and of course many of his songs sound the same because he’s dead. Mr. Ortiz added, “Oh me and Jack have discussed him dying to. I really think if Jack died our sales would go through the roof but Jack and his wife are opposed to the idea at this time. Though I do encourage Jack to surf Maverick’s and Jaws and other big wave breaks that are well beyond his ability. Who knows, we might get lucky and maybe he’ll drown. Can you imagine what that would do for record sales? For his credibility? We’d go double platinum for sure.”
2 comments:
I really like JJ's music; it brings me the relaxation I need in the end of a day of work. There is already a lot of garbage music (& lyrics) playing around in the top's. I think his music is like the wine, it gets better with the age. I'll be sitting and waiting.
Hey--I like the dude, too. He's not just a good musician, he's a good guy. I like how he gets his inspiration...the iTunes Originals album did it for me.
P.S. Aside from the fact that you mispelled "too" a bit too often, your post was pretty funny.
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