Hollywood's Last Consumer Advocate *chinaski style

New Old Slightly Stoopid Graphics Coachella Skate 2008

2008-03-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

"Slightly not stoned" is getting re-released, the first runs sold out. The UB40 cover "i would do for you" is key. It's grammy quality but to get a grammy nomination you have to hire a full time publicist and be spoofed on The Simpsons. A variation of this graphic will probably be used for a limited run skate deck, hopefully for coachella. An extra thick 12 ply maple laminate deck will be designed for kyle since he's put on a bit of weight, some say he looks like a young Brian Wilson, not me though I would never make fun of Kyle.

HEATHER MILLS 50 MILLION FOR FAILURE

2008-03-17T09:30:00.000-07:00

HIGH PAY DAY JUDGE SAYS DEMAND FOR ONE LEGGED MODELS AT AN ALL TIME LOW

LENNON ROLLS OVER

Sun Damaged. Hustler Publisher Larry Flynt has reportedly offered Heather Mills 2 million dollars to keep her clothes on. Heather Mills doctors claim the sun has also damaged her brain.

Heather Mills received 50 million dollars today or as Sir Paul McCartney calls it “about a weeks wages” for failing at marriage with ex-Beatles great Paul McCartney. Sir Paul was quoted as saying, “I’ve learned my lesson mate. I’ll never order another Russian Mail order bride off a website again.” John Lennon reportedly uttered “Mai Pang” and rolled over in his grave when he heard the news.

Miss Mills team of attorney’s said she plans to invest the money wisely. Her lead attorney, Mr. E. Howard Hunt said, “Obviously not on Wall Street because that would be like just throwing money down a toilet and she had to work really, really hard to earn this money.”

Ironically, Miss Mills is reportedly going to use the 50 million to purchase Michael Jackson’s Beatles catalog so Michael Jackson can pay off his Neverland Ranch. Mr. McCartney’s daughter Stella said, “That sounds like something that greedy, peg-legged bitch would do.”

World Industries 1991 Randy Colvin, Colvinetics, Everslick Deck

2008-03-15T19:35:00.000-07:00

World Industries 1991 Randy Colvin Colvinetics, Scienctolgy Spoof Everslick Deck

Used everslick’s usually have a faded look.

Randy Colvin’s second World Industries deck, Marc McKee was the artist. This one is a rare, everslick version none others are known to exist right now but there are probably a couple more stashed away in closets of former World Industries employees. The everslick version has lighter graphics. Reportedly World Industries was hit with a cease and desist to stop the production of this board ala the Jason Lee Burger King board.

In the late 80’s and 90’s Scientoligist ran commercials in Southern California with this Volcano spewing ash telling that your world would be much calmer if you just buy this book. Many of the spots were only 15 seconds long with just the volcano spewing. This board is a nice tribute to that commercial and proof that all you need is a good graphic designer to start your own religioin. World Industries may have anticipated that the Scientologists would sick a lawyer on them. Certinainly being based in Los Angeles Steve Rocco and friends, knew the power of the Scientolgist’s and assumed their would be legal interference and did a low production run to begin with. Whatever the story, the only documented auction, it went just under $1,000.00. This was nice piece of art to pick up it came an Amy Hempel book and a Jamie Lynn textured top Lib Tech, his second season.

IT’S THE R WORD STUPID, RECESSION SMECCESION

2008-03-14T18:22:00.000-07:00

RETURN OF THE R WORD- REAGANOMICS 2008

THE R WORD IS BACK…GOLD HITS 1000 AN OUNCE, OIL AT AN ALL TIME HIGH, HOUSING MARKET IS COLLAPSING, NAGLE PAINTINGS ARE COLLECTIBLE AGAIN………PRESIDENT BUSH ANNOUNCES REAGAN-NOMICS IS BACK!

He’s back. President Bush said today he was bringing back everything that was popular in the 1980’s that started with the word R. Except for the band The Romantics because “they suck.”

President George Bush made a surprise announcement today, saying he was bringing back the R word, Reagan-nomics. President Bush claimed that the popular economics program of the 1980’s would be coming back full force. “Why not?”, he said, “It might actually work this time“ President Bush claimed the Reagan-nomics economic package is recession proof and would get the country out of “whatever it is we’re in right now.”

President Bush added the program would go into affect immediately and they would start program by cutting off Federal Aid and support for the mentally ill. President Bush said the government would be releasing 20,000 mental patients in California alone this week. Mr. Bush quipped that he doubted “anyone in California would notice an extra 20,000 mentally ill people on the street.” In a rare show of support many journalists in the press corp. nodded their heads when Mr. Bush said Californians wouldn’t notice more mentally ill people on the street because they are so self absorbed.

Later in the day a spokesperson for the White House said that the mentally ill would be dropped off in Hollywood and Orange County. Where it would be an easy transition since the mentally ill have already established strong roots in both communities.

Gary Shandling KILLS at the trial of P.I. Anthony Pellicano

2008-03-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

COMEDIAN GARY SHANDLING TURNS IN FLAWLESS SET In LOS ANGELES COURTROOM

Comedian Gary Shandling in simpler times. Moe Sizlak, the surly bartender from The Simpsons is reportedly modeled after Mr. Shandling.

Comedian Gary Shandling reportedly killed with a solid twenty minute set of new material at the trial of former P.I. Anthony Pelicano. The jury was reportedly in stitches, one of the bailiff’s even had to leave the room to change his pants.

Deputy District Attonery John Cruicshank said, “I almost peed my pants when he told the joke about God running wire taps for George Bush. Oh my god, the guy is a genius. Why is he still not on television?”

A.P. reporter Jeff Richards was in the audience and offered this assesement.
“The judge had to stop for recess 3 times he was laughing so hard. Who knew witness intimidation, illegal wiretaps and jury tampering could be so god damn funny!”
The judge said after it was the best set he’s ever seen in an courtroom. He should know. Hell,he’s seen all the veterans.”

Judge Steven Carnan was a legal aide to Mr. Alan Dershowitz, when Mr. Dershowitz performed his legendary ten minute set in front of the Supreme Court in 1975. He was also the presiding judge in 2 of Richard Pryor cocaine & drug abuse cases in the 80’s.

The defendant Mr. Anthony Pelicano, is also acting as his own attorney. When it was his turn to cross-examine Mr. Shandling. A strange twist of events occurred. Instead of cross-examining Mr. Shandling he showed a tape of a past Paula Poundstone performance, it was a benefit comedy show that Mr. Shandling also attended. Most peo in the courtroom thought the Paula Poundstone defense backfired on the novice attorney.

"This bothers me as much as the first time I saw this," the 58-year-old Gary Shandling said about the performance. "It's a creepy feeling."

In fact some of the jury members became so nauseous from the Paula Poundstone video they had to excuse themselves, disrupting the trial. Judge Carnan was forced to order a recess. Cross-examination will resume on Monday giving everyone sufficient time to recover.

Village Pizzeria Hollywood

2008-03-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

Village Pizzeria. Hollywood. Good pizza sometimes, good price always.

6363 Yucca Street (yep the same street with that killer 2 minute long tracking shot when George Kennedy is playing a cop in “Earthquake” and a brief shot of Yucca in “The Italian Job” also.)

323- 790-0763 free delivery, but they’re not open past 9:30, so the free delivery is almost useless.

On Yucca right off of Cahuenga, around the corner from the 7-11 in a formerly very sketchy spot that they have cleaned up and revitalized.

Some of you might be familiar with these guys. They have been in Larchmont Village for several years. Also Berkeley.

This pizza is generally good but the problem is they are inconsistent. You get a different, cook you get a slightly different pie. Also if you go in there near closing at 9:30, (seriously 9:30?) the employees want to get out of there and the toppings get tossed on their haphazardly and it wasn’t cooked through. Damn still want to give these guys a chance, though.

Here’s a few tips that might make you a little bit more popular and oh yeah, make you money, cause isn’t that why your open? If Nike will listen to me, use my ideas and not pay me, than you guys might want to also.

Asparagus Pizza- They suck and have a reputation for sucking, but they didn’t always.
They were good at first but quickly became inconsistent, high turnover and hiring actors and actresses to work there instead of people who want to be there. You guys are following their path, inconsistent and closing to early. Go walk over there right now and see how busy that place is. Guess what it’s not.

Damianos delivers to this neighborhood and its not expensive and just as good. They deliver til midnight whereas Village Pizzeria closes at 9:30. That’s just retarded. No offense to the mentally challenged or anyone who went to Ohio State.

9 fi’ng 30 in the middle of Hollywood in an area where there isn’t that many late night spots to eat at?

You’re almost useless to this neighborhood if you can’t stay open past 9:30.

Worried about the 18th street gangy bangies? Either pay them off or start kicking pies down to the LAPD, trust me they’ll make make a point of swinging by often. They are sick at eating at Birds.

Early evening people looking for an alternative to the 101 coffee shop, actually they are looking for an alternative to the 101 at any time of the day. Nobody ever said the food was good at the 101, (especially the owners) just that its the only place open in the area late night.

Put a folding wood sign on the corner of Cahuenga and Yucca.

Have the city zone 2 or 3 of your parking spots yellow, so people can pull in and get out fast, this especially will help with business late at night.

Hire employees who want to be there, plenty of dudes and dudettes burned out on production work and want a job that wont be in there head when they get home. An 8 or 10 hour shift at a pizza place is a piece of cake compared to a marathon editing session or having to re-shoot a take 27 times at 3 in the morning.

Send some free pies to the guys at Tiny’s K.O., Beauty Bar, Burgundy Room let people know you’re there. Unless of course your not going to stay open past 9:30. Seriously 9:30?

THE HOLLYWOOD POPEYES 99 Cent CHICKEN TUESDAY & WAFFLES

2008-03-12T18:07:00.000-07:00

Popeyes Hollywood As Real As Real Hollywood Gets

Popeyes Chicken, Hollywood and Cahuenga, a favorite spot of pimps, murderers, ho’s, actors and writers. A must see stop for any tourist who really wants to see Hollywood. Plus Little Richard has been known to do the occasional pop in.

Being a writer in Hollywood with morals and a vision means sometimes you have to humble yourself and suffer for your work. It means you make sacrifices. You don’t waste your energy or talents writing crap for game shows or the C.W. When someone calls you with a tempting ghost writing gig that would solve all your financial problems you have to say no. It takes years to recover from polishing up someone else’s crap so you try to stay away from what normal people would refer to as work. You save yourself for that one script or novel, that one great piece of work, that will push you to the front of the line and gets you the power of people returning your calls and e-mails and giving you free swag at all the awards shows. Or at least when you finally bail out of Hollywood for the mountains you can live with yourself.

Meanwhile, while you wait your turn you try not to humiliate yourself to much. For instance interviewing for the writers assistant job on “Will and Grace” and not getting the job. That’s humiliating. Beyond humiliating. Of course I probably shouldn’t have stopped by Woody Harrelson’s trailer right before I went in to meet the producers. My bad.

Of course the majority of suffering is monetary. Money? You have none. Well really you have an adequate amount of money, but only if you lived in a city like Portland, Seattle or Chicago. But in Los Angeles or New York, forget about it. It’s $4,000 a month just to survive and that’s only if you were lucky enough to find your house or apartment more than 5 years ago, before prices skyrocketed.

Which brings me to another humbling ritual for many writers, actors and artists in my neighborhood. Popeyes Chicken on Cahuenga and Hollywood Boulevard. The Tuesday’s 99 cent 2 piece chicken special. 2 battered greasy pieces of dark meat chicken bathed in fat and oil that makes no promise that it doesn’t contain trans-fats. While my friends are dining down the street on $40 sushi rolls at Katsuya with Justin Timberlake, I’m down the street standing in the 99 cent chicken line with Just Homeless and his crew. Hell yeah its’s humiliating. It’s also funny. In a sad way. And if it doesn’t motivate you to work harder, than nothing ever will.

I urge all tourists who want to know what it feels like to live and suffer in Hollywood to go there on a Tuesday. And get in that line. The sights, the smells, the human tragedy, the desperation inside that place, it’s not only the underbelly of Hollywood, it is Hollywood.

NEW YORK GOVERNOR SPITZER LINKED TO PROSTITUION RING

2008-03-11T09:34:00.000-07:00

PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON TOLD HIM IT DOESN’T COUNT AS CHEATING IF YOU’RE IN ANOTHER STATE

MORALISTIC GOVERNOR CONTINUES GRAND TRADITION OF CORUPT & SEAMY NEW YORK STATE POLITICIANS

The great Charlie Murphy has been picked to lead ex-Governor Spitzer’s legal dream team. Mr. Murphy is said to have taken the job because he wants Hollywood to take him more seriously as an actor. Mr. Murphy recently lost out on the lead role in No Country for Old Men to Javier Bardem.

Soon to be former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, also known as customer #9 by the Federal Government, has taken the classic Hollywood defense used for years by actors, musicians, stand-up comedians and other entertainers. “The Hollywood defense or as some people call it, the out-of-state, out-of-mind defense, is pretty simple and it applies to my client. If you are out of your state or out of the country, and you bang someone else it doesn’t count as cheating.” said Mr. Spitzer’s attorney, Mr. Lloyd Braun today.

He continued, “It was Errol Flynn who coined the phrase Hollywood defense, but he learned it from the old vaudeville guys. It goes way back. Henny Youngman and Jackie Gleason both wrote about it in their autobiographies. In fact Frank Sinatra and his lawyers used the defense several times through decades of divorce and paternity hearings.”

Mr. Braun also added that they are assembling a “dream team” of lawyer’s for Mr. Spitzer’s defense, both criminal and divorce. He has hired Pete Townshend’s lawyer who got him off of pedophilia charges and also O.J. Simpson’s original defense team. Since Johnny Cochran has passed away they have hired Eddie Murphy’s brother, Charlie Murphy to lead the legal dream team in the courtroom.

When told that Charlie Murphy has no legal skills and seems an odd choice Mr. Braun replied, “He’s an actor, I know but that’s okay because the law doesn’t apply to New York courtrooms.”

41 MILLION AMERICANS GET FREE DRUGS FROM DRINKING WATER

2008-03-10T09:46:00.000-07:00

HEALTH CARE EXECUTIVES TO START BILLING MUNICIPILATIES FOR CONTENTS OF DRUGS IN DRINKING WATER

NO MORE FREE RIDES DECLARES HMO EXECUTIVE

Barry Bonds “alleged” use of steroids and human growth hormone has helped to make San Francisco’s drinking water rich in nutrients and supplements. A spokesperson for the F.D.A. said San Francisco’s drinking water reportedly has more ‘roids in it than a 1980’s Russian weightlifter.

Health Care executive across the country were shocked to find out that over 41 million Americans have been receiving free drugs, delivered to them via their local water systems. Health Care executives and representatives from the F.D.A. have been working around the clock this past weekend trying to come up with a billing system for each city, based on their particular drug use.

"It’s complicated", Phizer spokesperson Mr. Ian MacKaye said. “For instance the water in San Francisco has large traces of human growth hormones in it. We’re not sure if that is because of the large trans-gender population or from Barry Bonds. Regardless, there are a lot of menopausal women in that city who are getting a free ride right now and we are going to put a stop to it. They might give out free drugs and healthcare in Mexico, Canada and other 3rd world countries but we don’t do that here, that’s Un-American.”

Pressed further Mr. MacKaye said “New York City has large traces of tranquilizers and sedatives. There are huge traces of Xanax in New York’s water. We think George Steinbrenner had the water spiked in the 70’s when Billy Martin was a Yankee. Obviously it never calmed down Billy Martin but the Xanax played a large role in New York’s great revival in the late 90’s. Obviously we are going to have to ease New York City gradually off of the Xanax. There is always a slight chance a New Yorker could get violent. We’ll probably ease them over to a milder anti-anxiety medicine and of course a generic drug so the city will save money.”

Mr. MacKaye also stated that they found 2 hereto undiscovered drugs in New Jersey’s drinking water. “We’re not sure what the 2 new drugs do exactly. We’re pretty sure they are sedatives but the F.D.A. is going to conduct a series of tests. Obviously they are very strong drugs because the people live in New Jersey. For years people have wondered why anyone would stay in New Jersey? Jon Bon Jovi is from their from gods sakes, what sane person would want to live in the same state as him? Well now we know why people stay in New Jersey, because clearly they are on very, very strong drugs. He added, “New Jersey can expect to see a bill by early April.”

Cheap Gas

2008-03-08T16:51:00.000-08:00

Gas prices got you down? Think about how much it costs to fill up not just a jet but the aircraft carrier to land it on.

NO AD SUNSCREEN SPF45 and the 99 Cent store

2008-03-07T11:15:00.000-08:00

Angelina Jolie, Jon Voight and how Sunscreen is Saving Africa and Helping Hollywood’s Bottom Line

There's nothing funny about skin cancer in Hollywood or anywhere else for that matter. Unless of course, you are referring to the scene with John Candy and the school principal in Uncle Buck, now that was funny.

I once worked on a documentary for a minor Hollywood celebrity. Give people a couple dollars and put them in front of a camera and they think their life has meaning. That’s debatable. But I was given a camera and some subjects and went with it. I interviewed several prominent people. The only person who had anything interesting to say was Jon Voight. And it wasn’t about acting, God or Angelina Jolie. We spoke for a while about raising kids in California. He did the same thing my parents did. It was very popular in the 70’s and 80’s. A California tradition, anglo, latino, black, asian, didn’t matter. Instead of hiring a babysitter in the summer you dumped your kid(s) at the beach. Come back in 8 hours and hopefully they will be worn out and tired. Rinse, repeat, do it again next day, all summer. East Beach, Goleta, Huntington, Portolo, Newport, Malibu, didn’t matter, different beach, same sun.

What did Jon Voight do differently than most of our parents? Besides the Guatemalan housekeeper at his kids side the whole time? Sunscreen. That’s right he said he always made sure his kids had plenty of sunscreen. Sunscreen? If it wasn’t for sunscreen Angelina would probably have shriveled up into a prune by now and be looking like Paula Abdul. So look at it this way, if it wasn’t for sunscreen, Angelina would have to rely on acting abilities and not her looks. Brad would have never asked her to dinner that fateful night. Paramount would not have the influx of cash from the Laura Croft films and without Brad and her franchise, she would have never been able to afford to adopt kids from Ethiopia.

And don’t forget that one song by that guy Baz in the 90's? where he says, “my advice to the graduating class, is always wear sunscreen.”

This NO AD Sunscreen SPF 45 is UVA and UVB. Consumer Reports rated it as the best sunscreen and best value. Wal-Mart carries a 16 ounce bottle for just under $9.00 with tax. The 99 cent stores are carrying it right now for 99 cents. Probably will be there all summer. So if you’re a parent get out there and get it for your kids so they will have a fighting chance at a career in Hollywood or even the real world. When was the last time you saw a suntan on a Nobel laureate? Think about it, the money you save can be used to bribe the admissions director at your local charter school.

FLORIDA AND MICHIGAN PRIMARY NUMBER TWO REDO

2008-03-07T08:51:00.000-08:00

REPUBLICAN PARTY TO SPRING FOR FLORIDA & MICHIGAN PRIMARIES PROMISES TO CONTROL FLORIDA RESULTS

WHAT THE HELL IT’LL BE FUN! BESIDES WE DON’T HAVE A SNOWBALLS CHANCE IN HELL IN NOVEMBER ANYWAY, SAYS RNC CHAIRMAN

A recent Gallup poll in USA Today found that most Americans consider Florida a 3rd World country, ranking it behind Mexico and Puerto Rico in popularity. The poll also found that Americans are willing to give Florida back to Cuba as long as they also take Jeb Bush, Rush Limbaugh and buy out Shaqille O’Neal’s contract with the Miami Heat.

The furor over the uncounted Florida and Michigan Democratic primaries has been solved. The Republican National Party has stepped up to the plate and said they will pay to redo both primaries in Michigan and Florida. “We already have our people in place so we can control the votes and who wins in Florida. It’ll be fun just like it was in 2000.” RNC chairman Billy Bush said today.

He added, “Besides it’s not like we will actually win the general election in November. We’ve got a huge surplus of cash. Ever since Rush Limbaugh gave up his Vicodin addiction our coffers in Florida have risen substantially.”

Mr. Bush also added, “Thanks to my idiot cousins total lack of bargaining chips with OPEC, I expect that gas prices will be at $5.00 a gallon by November. At $5.00 a gallon most American’s won’t be able to afford to drive to the voting booths, so we might as well knock out as many elections as we can right now, while the economy is still so vibrant and robust.”

When asked who the RNC plans on stating as winner in the Florida Democratic Primary Mr. Bush responded, “Oh definitely Obama, I expect Hillary will probably win the popular vote count by about 1,000 votes or so but we will declare Barack Obama the victor.”

Asked why, the RNC would do such a thing Mr. Bush responded, “Because we can, besides it will really mess with the Clinton's heads.”

RIVERHEAD TO PUBLISH ADOLPH HITLER & HOWARD HUGHES DIARIES

2008-03-06T11:26:00.000-08:00

JAMES FREY TO EDIT NEW RIVERHEAD SEMI-FICTION NICHE DIVISION, POSEUR

ANNOUNCES FUTURE BOOK DEALS WITH ART BUCHWALD, NAPOLEON, HELEN KELLER’S CRACK DEALER & TUPAC SHAKUR

Author Margaret B. Jones attended the same elite high school as actress Maggie Gyllenhaal. Ironically besides sharing the same first name, both girls were standouts at the school. Their plain, average looks and poor acting skills set them apart from their classmates.

Looking for one of the 20,000 copies of the new book “Love and Consequences” but can’t find one? Riverhead Books, the book’s publisher has also noticed that store shelves across the country are empty. In fact all 20,000 copies that were released this week have flown off of store shelves as quickly as they arrived. Now Riverhead Books is hoping to capitalize on the success of a new genre of books, semi-fiction. Riverhead has started a new boutique imprint, Poseur. First off for the new publishing house, another hot printing of “Love and Consequences”, the new semi-autobiography by author Margaret B. Jones or Margaret Seltzer or Maggy B. or Little Miss Liar. or M.C. Fake Author or Maggs da Phony or Margie the Storyteller or several of the other names that she has gone by over the last 3 years.

Riverhead CEO David Vigliano was asked about the author changing her name several times over the last few years.

“ Frankly we weren’t sure what to call her anymore. She kept giving us a different name every time she came in to edit. The last year or so we just started calling her “hey you”. It was a little bit uncomfortable in a professional business setting but hey what are you going to do? These books don’t write themselves, unless of course it’s a celebrity’s book, than they we actually do hire someone to write them.”

Vigliano continued, “We were to busy getting the advertising campaign, the website, press and film deals in place. You know dealing with lawyers and contracts every few days, oh yeah plus I think someone was editing the book. The public doesn’t realize that there is a lot to do when you publish a book and there is not time to do background checks on every author. That would take at least an hour of our time to call a private detective and run a TRW check. We are a small million dollar corporation and don’t have the time or budget. Besides we were trying to sell this story to Miramax and the Weinstein brothers. Hollywood? They don’t care about facts they just want to know what the bottom line is and what the gross will be. We’re not interested in facts, unless they help us sell our product. In fact, facts have no place in the modern media just like they have no place in organized religion!”

FDA SAYS CHINA DRUG HEPARIN TIED TO DEATH

2008-03-05T21:30:00.000-08:00

DRUG THAT KILLED 19 PEOPLE TIED TO CHINA, PILLS REPORTEDLY COATED WITH LEAD PAINT

TOY MANUFACTURER EXECS HOPE IT TAKES HEAT OFF OF THEM BUT HOPE DOESN’T CAUSE A RISE IN THE PRICE OF LIPITOR

The F.D.A. admitted today that when you hire people who don’t have any teeth and spit on the ground at crowded restaurants $1.00 an hour or less to manufacture life saving drugs, mistakes may occur.

The United States Food and Drug Administration issued their first safety recall for a product from China that has killed more than a dozen people but did not contain beef and is not a child’s toy.

The F.D.A. issued the recall today after 19 people died from drugs containing Heparin. F.D.A. spokesperson Bill Bradley said they were going to wait for 20 people to die but everyone in the office had planned on an early weekend for almost 6 months now, so they decided to issue the warning and recall tonight so nobody’s weekend would be disrupted.

Mr. Bradley stated, “19 deaths from a drug made in China from pig intestines is nothing to get concerned about. It’s not like it’s e-coli from beef at a fast food restaurant or lead paint at a toy store. Mr. Bradley was asked how many medicine cabinets he thinks the tainted medicine may be in?, “About 1 million to 22 million consumers homes, somewhere along those lines.” When Mr. Bradley was told that 21 million is a pretty wide number, he responded, “Sure maybe if this stuff was made in the United States but it was made in China. China doesn’t have any product or safety codes. They think codes are for losers like the Taiwanese. And you know what maybe they are right. Because when was the last time you heard about Taiwan? Exactly. Anyway, for all we know they made 100 million of these tablets and dumped the rest off on the French. Which is what we hope they did. Because nobody likes the French, especially the French.”

JOHN MCCAIN SPEECH TUESDAY NIGHT SAYS “MY FRIENDS” A RECORD 311 TIMES

2008-03-04T19:30:00.000-08:00

BEATS PREVIOUS RECORD HELD BY THE WHOLE TUSCON SWAP MEET

STAFF WORRIED VOTERS WILL THINK MCAIN IS AN ARMENIAN USED TELEVISION SALESMEN

Larry, a used car salesman from Sun City, claims to have taught Senator McCain the phrase "my friends" during a campaign stop in the mid-90's.

Senator John McCain’s staff warned him using the phrase “my friends” more than 200 times in his speech on Tuesday night would annoy and irritate voters. It also caused many voters to have flash backs, you know “of that time they took that vacation in that one weird country you know the one with the name that is hard to pronounce? and they tried to buy a souvenir for Aunt Sophie back home and the salesman kept trying to sell them everything else in the store and the only English phrase he could say is My Friends, my friends, my friends about 30 times with bad breath before pointing and saying “you like, is cheap, is very cheap.”

2nd SUPER TUESDAY SHOCKER BILL CLINTON WILD SNL CLAIMS

2008-03-04T10:01:00.000-08:00

ONLY PHONE CALLS EVER MADE AT 3 A.M. FROM WHITEHOUSE WERE FOR DOMINOES PIZZA

HILLARY’S SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKIT WAS PANDERING & UNFUNNY CRAP SAYS FORMER GOVERNOR IT MADE HIM REALLY MISS PHIL HARTMAN & EVEN DAVID SPADE

Former President Bill Clinton wants SNL producer Lorne Michaels to bring the funny back to SNL. He wants him to relax his restrictions on hiring actual comedians and writers with substance abuse problems, talent and stage presence. He also wants Eddie Murphy to come back and play Obama and Gumby. Clinton claims Mr. Murphy owes the American public for Norbit, Dr. Doolittle and all the other pieces of crap he keeps putting out every year.

Former President Bill Clinton commented about Hillary Clintons’s appearance on SNL this past weekend. The former President was speaking to a group of young women at a shelter for fallen ex-strippers in Cleveland,Ohio.

“Boy has that show really gone to shit. Hasn’t it? I tried watching it this weekend but couldn’t even get through Hillary’s skit. The show is so bad now, I was missing David Spade! I mean David Spade, c’mon!”

When asked how he thinks the show can make improvements Mr. Clinton offered up a few words of advice. “Bring back Phil Hartman and hire some real f'ing writers. Get some real comedians who work the clubs every night in there. Instead of these little penis sucking Ivy Leaguers who have no real world experience and think they're funny cause they wrote for the Harvard Lampoon for half a semester. Give me a break! Those little fags and their material wouldn’t last 2 minutes on stage at the Comedy Store or Caroline’s.”

When Mr. Clinton was told that his words seem very harsh and critical he responded, “Shut Up! You’re taking my words out of context.”

HILLARY VOWS TO CHANGE CAMPAIGN STANCE AGAIN NO MATTER WHAT THE OHIO TEXAS PRIMARY RESULTS BRING

2008-03-03T22:03:00.000-08:00

MUST NOT SWITCH THEME OF SWITCHING THEME NOW

SHOWING LEADERSHIP SKILLS THAT YOU WOULD WANT A LEADER TO SHOW AT 3 A.M. WHEN THE PHONE RINGS AND ITS CHELSEA WITH A FLAT TIRE & NO SPARE

No matter what happens tomorrow, the Clinton campaign vows to stay the course of not knowing what the course is.

Mrs. Hillary Clinton is vowing to stay the course and change her campaign stance and views, regardless of tomorrow’s outcome in Ohio and Texas. Senator Clinton spoke to reporters outside a halfway house for former Ohio State football players, “The voters have come to expect the unexpected and not know what to expect and being consistent or on target now, well that would be unexpected.”

When pressed about what she expects tomorrow she added, “I’m not going to get drawn into some unexpected or expected guessing games.” Mrs. Clinton was asked if the firing of her 10 million dollar a year consultant had anything to do with her campaign’s them of wishy-washiness she said, “Maybe, maybe not.”

OPENING DAY DODGERS JOE TORRE KEEP IT CLEAN JOE, KEEP IT CLEAN

2008-03-02T18:26:00.000-08:00

April 10, 1962

Whoever said a picture is worth a thousand words knew what they were talking about. This photo is a nice way to welcome another New York transplant. A good reminder. The first opening day April 10, 1962. Early and overcast morning, Dodger executive, happy wife and excuberant grandson. Pre-vietnam. Pre-steroids. The paint on the asphalt snaps. The smile on the kids face says it all.

ELECTION SHOCKER GERALDO RIVERA WORRIED ABOUT THE LATINO VOTE

2008-02-29T19:13:00.000-08:00

LATINOS WORRIED GERALDO THINKS HE’S A LATINO

CONFUSION IN LATINO COMMUNITY ISN’T EDWARD JAMES OLMOS OUR SPOKESPERSON?

Tommy Chong is being considered by Ralph Nader as a running mate. Nader says it would be worth the free publicity generated by the jokes Jon Stewart, Letterman and other late night comedians would make.

When told that Geraldo Rivera is concerned about the Latino vote in the upcoming Presidential election, Orange County businessman Mr. Frank Gonzales responded, “Really, I didn’t even know he was Latino. I thought he was like from Spain or some shit. Rivera? Check it out, I thought that was just a made up show business name like Carlos Mencia or Diablo Cody or Vincent Kartheiser? I mean shit, does that mean we have to take responsibility for him now? That sucks. I wish we could trade him, y’know like they did in that one Chappelle Show? That’s a cool show, how come that’s not on the air anymore? You should work on that show. We’ll trade you Carlos Mencia and Geraldo Rivera. Who you got?”

“For Mencia and Rivera? We have Kid Rock and Sean Hannity.”

“That sucks.” Mr. Gonzales responded.

“I’ll throw in Andy Dick”

“That still sucks.” He said.

“Yeah you’re right that is a shitty trade for you guys.”

“Yeah you white boys are always trying to screw us over.” Mr. Gonzales said.

“How about we trade you Bill Clinton for Carlos Santana?”

He stood up from the table and walked away muttering, “Pinche ese, pinche ese.”

That Geraldo Rivera can really make you think.

CRITICS SAY NEW JACK JOHNSON ALBUM SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE THE OLD JACK JOHNSON ALBUM

2008-02-28T08:45:00.000-08:00

MAXIM MAGAZINE & MUSIC CRITICS SHOCKED ALBUM SLEEP THROUGH THE STATIC SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE ALL THE OTHERS

JACK JOHNSON CLAIMS HE WON’T QUIT RELEASING THE SAME SONG OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL HIS SURFBOARD COLLECTION IS BIGGEST IN WORLD

Critics say Jack Johnson has been to busy surfing for the last 10 years to record any new or original material. Mr. Johnson also surfs and skates regular foot, another strike against him. Here he is his pictured with a vintage 10 foot Gerry Lopez single fin that he paid to much for.

The remaining 12 members of the record industry and the music critics at Maxim magazine were shocked this week when the advanced copy of Jack Johnson’s new full length album arrived; and it sounds exactly like all the other Jack Johnson albums.

“Yeah we’ll no duh, what do you expect he likes to surf all day and throw vegetarian barbecues, he’s doesn’t have time to practice or go in the studio.” says Mr. Johnson's surf partner and former Beastie Boys roadie Mike Nishita. “I know everyone expects Jack to evolve musically and reach another level but it ain’t gonna happen. Jack only knows how to play 9 chords, he’s no Brad Nowell or Bob Marley, hell he ain’t even Half-Pint, so they need to just back the f**** off.”

Mr. Johnson’s manager, Mr. Opie Ortiz refuted some of Mr. Nishita’s comments, “That’s not entirely true, Jack actually knows how to play 10 chords on his guitar. We bought him one of those Ernie Ball books and he learned a new chord last summer.” When asked why every Jack Johnson song sounds exactly like the last Jack Johnson song, Mr. Ortiz elaborated, “That’s because we recorded all his songs at the same time about 10 years ago, right before his 40th birthday. Jack doesn’t need to record any new material ever again. Actually except for touring we really don’t need Jack anymore. When we need a new album we just remix the old tracks. Hey, Tupac releases a new double album every year and nobody complains about that.”

When told that Tupac is dead and of course many of his songs sound the same because he’s dead. Mr. Ortiz added, “Oh me and Jack have discussed him dying to. I really think if Jack died our sales would go through the roof but Jack and his wife are opposed to the idea at this time. Though I do encourage Jack to surf Maverick’s and Jaws and other big wave breaks that are well beyond his ability. Who knows, we might get lucky and maybe he’ll drown. Can you imagine what that would do for record sales? For his credibility? We’d go double platinum for sure.”

CONVERSATION BETWEEN ROGER CLEMENS & JOSE CANSECO RELEASED BY JUSTICE DEPARTMENT

2008-02-27T10:07:00.000-08:00

FEDERAL PROSECUTORS RELEASE PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT FROM PARTY AT JOSE CANSECO’S HOUSE

ONLY PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT TO BE RELEASED FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION, CONGRESS DOESN’T WANT TO FURTHER HARM BASEBALL’S IMAGE BY BORING FANS, THE REGULAR SEASON IS BORING ENOUGH

Lawyers say Roger Clemens recent testimony was confusing and misleading. Everyone agrees Mr. Clemens would make a great lawyer.

CANSECO
Hey Roger thanks for coming, Brian said you might drop by.

CLEMENS
No problem I was coming back from a round of golf and
noticed the Hummers in the driveway, thought I’d stop
by. Besides I go stir crazy sitting around the hotel room.

CANSECO
Hey tell me about it. Plus you spend at least $300 a day on
the porn and the mini-bar.

CLEMENS
Yeah tell me about. Speaking of drinks, I could sure use one
right now.

CANSECO
Oh I’m sorry where are my manners? Drinks and food are
down by the pool. Raul is down there, he will get you a
drink and tell him how you want your steak. Um, lets
see also the drugs are upstairs in the guest bathroom. HGH,
Anabolic, whatever you want. Brian brought some stuff
over. Plus I got lucky this morning and hooked up at the parking lot at Gold’s
Gym. But please remember to dispose of the needles properly.

CLEMENS
Always do.

NATION SHOCKED! STARBUCKS CLOSES ALL 7110 STORES

2008-02-26T09:57:00.001-08:00

STORES ARE SHUTTERED WHILE EMPLOYEES ARE REQUIRED TO LEARN ENGLISH & TO PRONOUNCE FRAPPACHINO

ADMITS FAIR TRADE IS JUST A MADE UP TERM FOR GOOD PUBLIC RELATIONS

Starbucks Coffee is anxious to rebuild its faltering image. Starbucks has hired sane person and pop goddess Britney Spears as a spokesperson.

Starbucks announced today effective immediately it will shut down all U.S. stores to re-train their employees. Employees will now be required to speak English, be forced to be able to pronounce and spell Frappachino and count back change properly.

A recent report in Consumer Reports stated that the average Starbucks customer waits an average of 22 minutes a day per drink. The average consumer will spend almost 2 years in Starbucks over 20 years of patronage. Ironically most Starbucks employee will only spend about 20 months working during a 20 year period of employment.

A spokesperson for the National Emulsified Overpriced Coffee & Beverage Makers of America, Mr. Bryan Erwin chuckled and said it is a needed move for Starbucks. “It’s been an inside joke in the food industry for years that; Starbucks Sucks. Ha-ha, do you get it?"

When Mr. Erwin was told that “Starbucks sucks” really does not qualify as a joke and real comedians don't ask people if "they get it" he replied, “What do you expect I’m an executive in the food service industry. Does this look like the fucking stage at The Comedy Store to you?”

ROGER CLEMENS to APPEAR at BASEBALL SPRING TRAINING Camp

2008-02-25T13:13:00.000-08:00

SPRING CLEARANCE GOOD DEALS ON OVERSTOCK OF HGH

CLEMENS OFFERING DEALS ON VOLUME PURCHASES, DISCOUNTS FOR ROOKIES, FREE SHIPPING AVAILABLE

A yard sale at the Clemens family estate was not the success Roger Clemens hoped it would be this weekend. Roger thinks the local kids pictured in this photo were later responsible for toilet papering his house.

Embattled former Major League Pitcher Mr. Roger Clemens, according to his son, will be making an appearance at the Houston Astros training camp later this week.

Mr. Clemens held a garage sale at his Houston estate this weekend. He sold off some of his baseball memorabilia, including an overstock of HGH, steroids, body supplements, vitamins and syringes. Mr. Clemens claims, except for the occasional golf tournament and sex with his wife, he will not need to use supplements or vitamin B anymore.

Mr. Clemens said the yard sale was not the success he hoped it would be. Sales were sluggish because of poor winter weather. Also Mr. Clemens had one of his Series Championship rings stolen. Apparently it was mixed in with some of his wife’s costume jewelry. He is asking local pawn brokers in the Houston area to be on the lookout for a large Latino family driving a red Astro van with a dent on the passenger door and a bumper sticker of Calvin and Hobbs pissing on a Ford. The family may try to pawn a Yankees World Series ring, Mr. Clemens is asking that business owners please call him, unless it’s Alex’s Rodriquez’s cousins than please call Alex or his assistant instead.

Mr. Clemens did say he is stopping by the Astros training camp later this week. He wanted to alert players he still has great deals on “B-12” shots, supplements and other remaining inventory. For anyone interested Mr. Clemens will be in the guest teams bathroom, stall #4, on Thursday around noonish.

RAUL CASTRO NAMED NEW PRESIDENT OF CUBA

2008-02-25T05:20:00.000-08:00

ANNOUNCES IMMEDIATE COST CUTTING CHANGES- CUBAN CIGARS OUTSOURCED TO CHINA - COMMUNIST PARTY ADOPTS HMO HEALTH CARE - JOINT VENTURE WITH BLUE CROSS

BASIC CABLE , STARBUCKS AND ARBYS WILL BE AVAILABLE ACROSS ISLAND BY YEARS END

Cuba is introducing several cost cutting programs to bring Cuba into todays modern global business model, programs include dropping blanket health care for all citizens and exporting most labor to China. The Cuban cigar maker pictured here will be training Chinese workers later this year than transferred to a Gulag and shot.

In a surprise move today Cuba’s congress elected President Fidel Castro’s younger and much less dashing brother, Raul Castro, President of Cuba, effective immediately. Mr. Castro in his acceptance speech announced sweeping changes for himself and his business partners, Changes include several telecommunications and casino deals that should allow he and his partners to pocket millions of dollars. These deals should enable Mr. Castro to be able to flee comfortably to Switzerland for retirement within the next year.

Raul Castro also added that he would be banning his brother Fidel from wearing any more garish Adidas soccer sweat jackets. Only the President-elect and select Armenian tourists will be allowed to wear tasteless athletic apparel. The new El Presidente also stated that to cut costs, several money saving programs would be implemented. For instance Cuban cigars would be now be assembled in China. He also announced that the Communist Party will no longer cover health care costs in Cuba, A new HMO program is being implemented according to Cuba’s Health Minister, Blue Cross will now be available to every Cuban citizen for a mere $250 a year. The average yearly income of a typical Cuban citizen is $189.00.

NADER HOPES THIRD PRESIDENTIAL RUN REALLY MESSES THINGS UP THIS TIME

2008-02-24T12:31:00.000-08:00

NADER LAUNCHES ANOTHER FUTILE BID FOR PRESIDENCY WILL WEAR SAME ILL FITTING BAGGY SUIT ENTIRE RUN

CRITICS SAY THE CANDIDACY WILL DO MORE HARM TO COUNTRY & ENVIRONMENT THAN THE CORVAIR EVER DID

When asked what he thinks his 3rd bid for the Presidency will do for his bank account and his books sales, Mr. Nader just smirked and pointed up.

Green Party Candidate Mr. Ralph Nader today announced his third bid for the White House on NBC’s Meet The Press this morning. He was asked if the thought his run for the presidency would hurt the Democrats chances of winning the office in 2008 and replied, “No, because most people think I’m a crackpot and won’t vote for me anyway.”

“I have no illusions that I will affect the Presidential run this year as I have in the past,” he said, “but by running for office I can shed light on the disgusting marriage between Corporate America and Washington, D.C. It’s a sick union that controls people’s life’s and ruins the environment. Also all the money the Green Party and I raise for the Presidential run we get to keep after we lose. And it’s tax deductable! It’s a win-win situation for us.

Mr. Nader will be crossing the country in a 48 foot Winnebago donated to him by Winnebago and Google. Toyota has donated Prius’s for his staff members. Bank of America has donated a business manager and business account. Apple Computers has donated computers and several i-phones for he and his staff and of course, Wolf Gang Puck will be catering the cross country run with an all Vegan menu.

Mr. Nader Chief of Staff estimates his run for the Presidency will burn over 500 metric tons of Carbon Fuels, use approximately 200 acres of trees and cost the American taxpayers over 5 million dollars in matching funds. That does not include the cost and paperwork of adding his candidacy to ballots in each state and the extra security the Secret Service will be forced to provide.

When asked if he thought his run was worth the extra strain on the environment and cost to the taxpayers Mr. Nader said, “Yes of course, even if only one American learns that all corporations are big, evil liars and…oh excuse me my i-phone’s ringing, hold on. Damn it’s my literary agent, I have to take this, sorry he’s shopping my new book, apparently I’m hot right now and we got a little bidding war going on between publishers. Sorry guys I’m gonna have to cut this short I’ll have my publicists call you and we’ll schedule this later.”

LOST FANS FILE CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT FOR LOSS OF LAST 3 YEARS OF THEIR LIFE AND EMOTIONAL STRESS

2008-02-23T17:10:00.000-08:00

THE SHOW CONTAINS NO PLOT OR STORY DEVELOPMENT J.J. ABRAMS IS A CHARLATAN CLAIMS PLAINTIFF’S ATTORNEY

CITES CLOVERFIELD & THE DON RICKLES PILOT AS EVIDENCE

Lost fans are going to court to try and get back some of their life. Lawyers for both sides are optimistic that a settlement may be reached before trial.

President of the Venice chapter of the Lost Fan Club and skateboarding legend Mr. Tony Alva filed a lawsuit in Santa Monica Civil Court today against the producers of Lost. Alleging that Lost show creator, Mr. J. J. Abrams has been duping people into watching a television series for the last several years that contains no actual story line or plot development.

“I felt hollow inside when I finally realized that this show is going nowhere. It’s clear this season the producers and writers have no idea what they are doing and I just wasted the last 3 plus years of my life.” Said Mr. Alva.

“I mean c’mon they don’t even try anymore .If they have a plot hole to fill they just make something up and film a “flash forward” sequence of the character 5 years before they got on that stupid plane, they can just make up whatever they want. What the hell kind of story telling is that!”

Mr. Alva said he was forced into action this winter after viewing the film Cloverfield, a film produced by Lost show creator J.J. Abrams. “Wow what a piece of shit that movie was, it really proved that Abrams isn’t even trying. Cloverfield is the name of the street his office is on. I mean if they are that lazy with naming the title of a huge multi-million dollar feature film how much effort are they putting into Lost? Did you see Cloverfield? That was the worst movie I’ve seen since the live action version of Dogtown and Z Boys!”

Mr. Alva expects the jury to side with him he says, “I expect the jury can relate because most of us have been conned before. I mean how many of us were suckered in by one of those Steven King mini-series or V. Remember how bad V was? If we would have sued then, we wouldn’t be in this mess today. This is a long time coming. Ralph Nader should have been more concerned with the television studios production values instead of worrying about some flaming gas tank. Bad television hurts a lot more people than some defective car."

Mr. Alva’s attorney, Mr. Neil Blender says that they have a long list of surprise witnesses, each one more suprising than the next, including several of the actors from the show. Many he claims will admit on the stand that they are not, and never were, actors. Mr. Blender said that over half of the cast qualifies but that they only plan on using a few select witnesses. He did acknowledge one witness they are bringing to the stand.

“We’re probably going to bring in that drunk lesbian Latino girl that got kicked off the show. She’s perfect to prove the producers never cared about the show in the first place. I mean have you seen her? I’ll go down to the Home Depot on Sunset Boulevard now and grab a day laborer and I guarantee he’ll be a better actor than her. She told us this herself! So I’m not hurting any feelings or saying anything anyone doesn’t already know.”

When Mr. Alva and his lawyer were reminded that television is free and that he could just turn off his television and not watch the show, Mr. Alva responded, “Bullshit. This is America, they owe us!”

Hillary Clinton Says Debate Remark Not Meant as Farewell Not Yet At Least

2008-02-22T12:40:00.000-08:00

Clinton Claims Debate Remark “Whatever Happens” Is A New Catchphrase

Hurt By Obam-a-Mania Hillary Tries Out New Catchphrase

Hillary Clinton in a speech earlier this year trying out the catchphrase, "Vote For Me or Get the Back Of My Hand Bitch!" The phrase was a failure with the voters in Maine.

Hillary Rodham Clinton’s Aides today insisted that Hillary’s use of the phrase “Whatever Happens” at the end of the last nights debate was not a hidden code for her clearly obvious failed bid at the presidency but instead she was infusing new vigor and energy into the campaign by introducing a new catchphrase.

“Whatever Happens”, it’s a two-fer phrase,” explained Hillary Clinton aide Mr. Duane Perkins. “That means you can use it in two or more situations. And last night she was just, you know trying to connect with the youth when she said it. Chelsea said the kids were using the phrase all the time at Harvard.”

When asked for a time when the phrase might be appropriate? Perkins replied, “Oh you know like for instance if you order a pepperoni pizza but they tell you they are out and you might get sausage instead you say okay, “Whatever Happens” or if maybe you’re breaking up or ending a relationship and your not sure what the future holds, you might say “Whatever Happens”.

Mr. Perkins was asked if the Clinton campaign has any more new catch phrases they will be introducing in the later stages of the campaign. “Yes we’re working on a couple but we haven’t perfected them yet. We don’t want people to misinterpret our next phrase like they did with this one.” Mr. Perkins was pressed further what the phrase might be. He would only say it will include the words, I quit.

DEATH OF EX-COP DREW PETERSON’S 3rd WIFE WAS HOMICIDE STILL NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE FOR LAW ENFORCMENT

2008-02-22T07:19:00.000-08:00

LOCAL POLICE SAYS MORE PROOF AND EVIDENCE NEEDED TO MOVE ON PETERSON

If a 5th Body Shows Then We’ll Have Something to Work With Says Local Law Enforcement

"If Drew would video tape his next murder that would really help out with our investigation." said one unnamed Illinois law enforcement source. Most rational people want to believe Mr. Peterson is to stupid to successfully hide one murder, let alone two.

"We have been investigating this as a murder since reopening the case in November of last year," Will County State's Attorney Mr. James Glasgow said. "We now have a scientific basis to formally and publicly classify it as such."

When asked what that means for the investigation, Mr. Glasgow elaborated. “Well in scientific terms it means she didn’t choke and drown herself to death, someone else was able to do it for her.”

Mr. Glasgow was asked what about her husband, Drew Peterson? Who has been named as a person of interest in his 4th wife’s disappearance.

“”No, I seriously doubt Drew Peterson had anything to do with her death. Young, strong women in their early 20’s fall down in the bathtub every day and drown. It’s actually a national disgrace that the public isn’t more aware of this phenomenon.”

Mr. Glasgow added, “Besides Mr. Peterson is white and a veteran police officer, we don’t just arrest cops, especially white ones.”

When asked what he needs to bring in Mr. Peterson the State Attorney replied, “More scientific evidence. If we had another body that might help. If a 5th body shows up we’ll have something to work with but before then I’m just going to need more scientific evidence.”

Mr. Glasgow added, “I hope maybe J. Edgar Hoover and his boys in Washington read this over the wire and send us some help. Maybe the feds can come in here and help us pin these murders on someone. Maybe one of the local blacks? ‘Cause boy these have really got us stumped!”

Barack Obama's BARACK-O-MANIA New Catchphrase Obama-Banged

2008-02-21T17:07:00.000-08:00

NEW BARACK-O-MANIA CATCHPRHRASE
OBAMA-BANGED

LIGHT SKINNED BLACK MEN ACROSS COUNTRY SAID TO BE REEPING IT IN WITH
WOMEN OF ALL ETHNICITIES

O.J. Simpson is bummed his current legal troubles have kept him from going out on the campaign trail and stumping white women for his friend Barack Obama.

“Man I ain’t bragging or anything but this has been a good year with the ladies, an exceptionally good year.” says Mr. Adam Ward of Hollywood. “And it’s only what February? My God can you imagine if he wins the nomination. It will be a crazy summer I can tell you that. I’ll probably end up with a hernia. At least.”
Mr. Ward, an actor from Hollywood and a Obama volunteer, says he's never been lacking in the romance department but can’t believe the blowout from the current wave of Barack-o-mania.

Mr. Ward reportedly was in Des Moines when he first heard the term Obama-Banged.
“Someone yelled it out when I entered the local coffee shop, I think it was either one of the local farmers or a reporter from the New York Times, anyway, someone yelled out "hey boy you look like you was obama-banged.”. At first I took offense to the remark, not the boy part, but I thought maybe he meant that I slept with Barack Obama? It wasn't until later I found out it was a New York Times reporter who yelled it. Apparently he was trying to compliment me in his own weird New York Times way and of course the Times is now trying to take credit for the term. Someone from USA Today said Oprah’s staff came up with the phrase last year when Obama went on The Oprah Winfrey Show and of course the Times can't confirm their source. As usual."

When asked what he thinks will happen if Barack wins the Presidency? “Oh Man, I don’t even want to think about it. I'll probably move to a country where they hate Americans so I can get some damn peace and quiet.”

Pentagon Says It’s Confident Missile Hit Satellite Tank

2008-02-21T08:39:00.000-08:00

FEMA ASKS PENTAGON TO LET IT CLAIM SUCCESS

C’MON GUYS JUST GIVE US THIS ONE ASKS EMBATTLED DIRECTOR

The Pentagon shot down the errant missile because it contains the same harmful chemicals FEMA trailers are made of.

The Pentagon today successfully shot down an errant missile that had been launched jointly by Google and the Rand Corporation. It was worried debris from the falling missile might fall in Egypt or at a Pinkberry’s, causing further damage to American popularity abroad. The success also gives a big boost to the pentagons fledgling Star Wars missile defense system. A spokesperson for Ronald Reagan had no comment and Caspar Weinberger was also unavailable for comment.

Newly appointed FEMA Director and Former President of the Southern California Polo Society Rusty Preisendorfer has been calling the Pentagon all morning. “We’re going to ask them if they will let us have this one, you know with all the success the military has had lately with the surge and all, they don’t need this one. As soon as we figure out how to work this phone system and get a call through, I’m sure they won’t have any problem sharing their success.”
When asked what he would do if the Pentagon would not share. Preisendorfer replied, “I don’t know. Maybe we’ll go catch Bin Laden and see how they like that.”

Nude Lindsay Lohan Photos Crash New York Magazine's Web Site

2008-02-20T14:56:00.000-08:00

AIDES SAY ACTRESS TOOK PHOTO SHOOT TO FAR SHOT DEMAROL, ADDED COTTAGE CHEESE TO ASS, TRIED TO BANG CLINTON SIBLINGS

Recent photo of Lindsay Lohan and her friend "you know that girl that used to be on the O.C. & whose name is hard to pronounce?" Hollywood insiders say the Chateau Marmont is safe to visit right now since Lindsay is at the beach.

Aides for infamous Hollywood celebrity and occasional actress Lindsay Lohan say the actress took the realism of a recent Marilyn Monroe shoot to far. “She was serious about preparing for this role. She must have added at least 40 pounds to her ass in the last month. Thank god she quit doing cocaine and started Ben & Jerry’s. If only she would have taken preparing for Prairie Home Companion so seriously.”, said her former assistant Kyle Campbell. Campbell quit working for Miss Lohan this week to run an insane asylum in Kosovo and also help tour manage for the band Slightly Stoopid.

Kyle continued. “She really wanted to be like Marilyn but then she took it to far. She started shooting Demerol at night and then licking Benzedrine strips to wake up in the morning. She also tried to seduce Roger Clinton and Chelsea Clinton. The secret service wouldn’t let her near Chelsea but Roger visited a few times but I think she was pretty out of it, I think she thought he was Bill.” Campbell added, “It was definitely Roger though cause he promised Lindsay he could “probably” get her a pardon if she donated to his lobbying firm if she ever gets federal time. Campbell added, “She probably will eventually get federal time so that’s a good hook up for her.”

When asked if he thought the classy Marilyn photo shoot could help spark a return for former Herbie the Lovebug star the former assistant Mr. Campbell started laughing, “Do you know how much it costs to insure a feature film. Have you seen the guys who underwrite films? They wear suits and fly Gulfstreams IV’s.. they need more than a 30 day chip, plus she’s old now and the girl from Juno is….and… dude her caree….. “ Mr. Campbell was laughing hysterically and was unavailable to finish the rest of his sentence.

A&E RESTARTS 'Dog the Bounty Hunter' DESPITE N-WORD USE

2008-02-20T10:19:00.000-08:00

A&E RESTARTS 'Dog the Bounty Hunter' DESPITE N-WORD USE
WILL REPLACE UGLY FAT WIFE WITH BLACK ACTRESS NELL CARTER

DUANE THE DOG WILL NOW ONLY SLAG OTHER RACES
LATINOS, FAT HAWAIIANS & OVERWEIGHT REDNECKS STILL FAIR GAME

This season A&E will be upgrading the reality TV show "Dog the Bounty Hunter". Duane Chapman's wife will be replaced by a more photogenic black actress. Duane has been taking English lessons and will now limit the use of the word "brother" to only 50 times a show.

Duane “Dog” Chapman show “Dog The Bounty Hunter” will return to production this season, while A&E executives will keep a tight reign on his racially insensitive remarks.

A&E Executive Garrett Jacobs announced today that Duane Chapman’s reality television show Dog The Bounty Hunter will return to production.

Jacobs said, “Duane really did us a big favor last season by using the N-word, we were able to stop production and retool. People were getting pretty tired of the show, I mean how many times can you see a bunch of illiterate white boys dressed for a 80’s Judas Priest concert drive around Hawaii with walkie talkies pretending to be able to talk Hawaiian, you know what I mean“brah”, while chasing the same tired samoan crystal meth dealers?

Jacobs continued, “So we’re retooling, we figured if Dog had a black wife it would change the dynamics of the show.”

When told that Nell Carter has been dead for almost 5 years Jacobs replied, “Yeah we know that. We were able to negotiate with her people and get her below scale. She’s a real catch. She’ll bring a whole new dymanic to the show”

Reportedly A&E was also in talks with another popular dead black actor, Mr.Redd Foxx, but negotiations broke off because Mr. Foxx is actually more of a rascist than the Dog.

BARKLEY JORDAN TO PLAY 2008 NCAA TOURNAMENT SKINNY WHITE CHRISTIAN COLLEGE ISSUES CHALLENGE

2008-02-19T13:25:00.000-08:00

CHARLES BARKLEY MICHAEL JORDAN TO PLAY SKINNY WHITE BOYS AT 2008 NCAA BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT

FAKE CHRISTIANS CHALLENGE CHARLES BARKLEY TO A BASKETBALL GAME

Sir Charles Barkley comments last week on CNN during the NBA All Star Game, has incensed fake Christians at Fox News and everywhere else. A group of skinny, white Christians are challenging him to a basketball game. Here Mr. Barkley is photographed during one of his recent workouts.

Born Again Christians at Oral Roberts University who were incensed at basketball great Charles Barkley slur against their faith last week, during the NBA All Star game, have challenged Mr. Barkley to a basketball game.

“Fake Christians? Wow. I don’t even know how to respond. If he was referring to evangelical leaders like Ted Haggard and Jerry Falwell and Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart, those weren’t fake Christians. They were just non-practicing Christians who were profiting off of other Christians. How is that fake? That’s just good business sense.” Says junior forward, Robert White, III of Tulsa, Oklahoma.

White and the other members of the evangelical Christian university saw the broadcast of Barkley on youtube this weekend. “At first we were going to just boycott the All Star Game but then we would have missed the slam dunk contest and watching Magic Johnson in a business suit while trying to pronounce words with more than 2 syllables and that would have just been punishing ourselves.” White said. Instead they have called out Barkley and will play him in between the first and second rounds at the NCAA Tournament in Anaheim in March.

Barkley is reportedly out of condition and overweight right now. In fact he is so overweight right now that the Scottsdale Country Club has banned Mr. Barkley from stepping onto their putting greens. The golf club’s greens keeper, a Jason Cohn, reportedly suffered a heart attack 2 weeks ago when he saw Mr. Barkley’s Escalade pull into the parking lot.

“Since Barkley is so overweight he’s really like 4 guys. So to keep it fair, he gets to pick one other person. We don’t care who it is. He can pick Jordan if he wants or Joan of Arc for all we care. We can’t lose because we have God on our side.”

Barkley was at a T.G.I.F. Friday’s and unavailable for comment. A spokesperson for Mr. Barkley said, “Charles will play them anytime, anyplace, as long as it doesn’t interfere with any tee times or beer commercial shoots.” Asked about potential playing partners, “Yeah he will probably pick Michael Jordan, not because Jordan is still in great playing shape and can dominate. If these guys play together Nike will be able to commemorate it in shoe form and clear a couple more million this year.”

Asked if Barley wasn’t just a bit worried about the 60 minute match up with 5 young men, who may not have the skills of Sir Charles but are still in excellent condition, the spokesperson responded.

“Charles doesn’t need God on his side, he’s got Jordan and Nike.”

Cubans wonder who will succeed Fidel Castro WHILE DONALD TRUMP, STEVE WYNN & THE NEW JERSEY MAFIA START MOVING IN

2008-02-19T10:41:00.000-08:00

CUBANS WORRY & WONDER WHO WILL SUCCEED FIDEL CASTRO WHILE DONALD TRUMP, STEVE WYNN, McDONALDS & THE NEW JERSEY MAFIA START PLANS TO MOVE IN

Soon ugly and gaudy buildings like this will be popping up all over Cuba.

Dateline Havana
19 Feb 20008

While ordinary Cuban citizens woke up this morning wondering who would lead Cuba into the 21st Century, casino magnates and underworld figures were scrambling and readying their plans for bringing gambling, whores and drugs back to Cuba.

Carlo Tagliano of East Rutherford, New Jersey was quoted as saying, “We’re going to pick right back up were our uncles and fathers were at in the 60’s. Quite frankly I’m very excited. We haven’t had a business opportunity like this in years. It’s like the Godfather 2 only in reverse. It’s hard to find a downside. I mean c’mon, 40 years of a collapsed infrastructure and a corrupt government equals great business opportunities. Half of the country doesn’t even have running water, we can buy off every cop, judge and peasant in the country. Plus it’s going to save us a couple million dollars on gas yearly, now we can run cocaine through Cuba straight into Florida, we’ll cut out the Bahamas. Which is another plus cause our wife’s have been nagging us for the last couple years to go green, this should shut them up for a while.”

It’s no secret that Steve Wynn has had plans for Guatanamo Bay Resort and Casino. Wynn was quoted this morning, “We have been anticipating this day for years. We have a deal with the U.S. Government to take over the Gitmo Bay prison and turn it into a world class resort. It’s a pretty simple deal actually, we’re just doing a swap, the government is going to take over the failing Golden Nugget and turn it into a prison. Hey lets be honest, nobody goes to downtown Las Vegas in over thirty plus years. The Fremont Street experience is a huge failure, I’ve been telling everyone for years we should just turn the whole downtown into a Supermax prison.”

Developer Donald Trump also chimed in this morning, “Cuba has some gorgeous buildings. Some dating back to 400 years, historically and architecturally important. We’re really looking forward to getting in their and imploding those buildings, so we can get some poorly made Chinese steel and gaudy faux Italian designed building’s up." When asked; What if the Cubans don't want your new casinos and buildings? Trump said, "The Cuban people don’t know what they want until I tell them what they want.”

INVESTORS CHEER AS TOSHIBA GOES BACK TO MAKING JUNK!

2008-02-18T10:17:00.000-08:00

INVESTORS CHEER AS TOSHIBA DROPS HD DVD AND GOES BACK TO MANUFACTURING WHAT IT KNOWS BEST, JUNK

Soon Toshiba HD-DVD players will be the leading innovation available at your local garage sale for about $20. That's almost a 200% price drop. Toshiba has scrapped its plans for its combination HD DVD and Laser Disc player.

Toshiba has surrendered and capilated in the high def DVD war. Toshiba had been battling it out with Sony and its version of Hi Def DVD, Blu-Ray. Toshiba’s HD DVD was considered by many to be a superior format, even though traditionally Toshiba was known for manufacturing lower end electronics.

A source at Toshiba told Reuters on Saturday that the electronics conglomerate was planning to give up on the HD DVD format after losing the support of key retailers and several movie studios including Warner Brothers. The source at Toshiba added that Sony executives move at the CES convention last month to treat all the movie and television studio executives to “all the cocaine and whores they could ever want” was a bold move and was the last nail driven in to the coffin for Toshiba.

Toshiba’s stock price shot up 5% today. Investors were to hear relieved that Toshiba is going back to doing what they do best. “Making crap” as one Toshiba executive so eloquently put it. Kenji Suki, was also quoted as saying, “Emerson isn’t going to know what hit them. Obviously we can’t compete on the high end market so were going back to doing what we do best, making low end electronics with a ridiculously high mark up. “

INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS TIPS FOR SAVING MONEY - CHEAP CANDY

2008-02-17T19:03:00.000-08:00

This is dark chocolate, dark chocolate is supposed to be good for your heart in limited amounts. The flavonoids in the chocolate have the health charateristics, except M&M's removes all the flavanoids because it makes the chocolate taste bitter.

INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS TIPS FOR SAVING $$$ - TIP #1 CHEAP CANDY

I’m not sure if I’m addicted to chocolate, the sugar or the artificial and natural added flavors that are in most of the Hershey’s and Mars products, but I love candy. It’s an addiction millions of us share. This a very obvious tip but some people might overlook this or simply don’t care, regardless here it is, drug stores and grocery stores heavily discount candy after the holidays. Pretty simple really. Christmas of course being the most obvious, followed by Easter and all the major Presidential holidays. Since the candy is packaged in timely, special holiday packaging so once the holiday is done they have to get rid of it, to keep their stores feeling current and fresh. An especially poor time to buy left over candy is Passover. Have you ever had Kosher candy? Trust me it’s not good, it’s like dirt only with no flavor. The best stores to shop? CVS and Rite Aid, though my CVS raised the price back up to its full price before slashing the price, I caught them and called them on it and they knocked the price back down but most stores will jack the price back up before discounting it. Ralphs and Vons both do it, so they’re discounted candy is not a good deal. Also if you wait a couple days, the slash the prices even lower but your choices are less by then but you can still usually grab a few bags of snickers or M&M’s, don’t wait to long or you’ll get stuck with the weird candy, like peppermint flavor kisses and the marshmallow Easter bunnies.

NASCAR IN A PANIC MILLIONS OF FANS CONFUSED AS DALE EARNHARDT JR SWITCHES RIDES & NUMBERS

2008-02-16T13:47:00.000-08:00

Dale Earhardt Jr's 2008 Car and Number Change has NASCAR officials worried millions of fans will think Dale, Jr just up and quit.

Dale Earnhardt's, Jr. new 2008 ride, soon the #88 and his new car will appear on t-shirts, foam beer holders and bumper stickers across the country. But NASCAR wonders will it be soon enough to keep fans from mass panic and confusion?

NASCAR executive in Daytona Florida are scrambling today, worried that millions of NASCAR fans will be confused by the ride change of one of their premiere drivers, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. During the off season Mr. Earnhardt who was broiled in controversy, when he decided to not race for his late fathers once prominent company. As one NASCAR executve described off the record, the split from the company that bears his fathers name, "Everyone just assumed that Theresa Earnhardt is a money grubbing whore and Dale's split from his fathers company just proves it."
The split has proven a quandry for NASCAR as they are revving up for the 2008 season's big opening weekend in Daytona, Florida. NASCAR has been scrambling to get the word out about the ride change of one of their most popular drivers. Another part of the problem is Dale Jr has switched his number into a double digit number, 88. Unfortunately double digit numbers have always been a problem for many NASCAR fans, it took almost 3 years for famed driver Richard Petty's number 43 to catch on. Another problem NASCAR has is that the number 88 is traditionally driven by unpopular and "high faluting" drivers. Former #88 driver, Dave Blaney, was so extremely disliked, he was never able to dodge rumors that he enjoyed imported beer and had an Associates degree from a Junior College. Dale will have his work cut out for him this year, a couple of major hurdles, the first is getting fans to memorize the number 88 again and getting fans to respect the number again so on NASCAR official, who would not go on the record, said "big numbers like #88 has a history of being associated with "faggy" drivers, #77 Dave Blaney a few years ago is a good example some fans still haven't forgiven us for him."

One NASCAR official said one solution they have considered is dropping million of leaflets in Florida tonight before the race. A test drop in Raleigh last week did not seem to help. The official said, "The problem is most NASCAR fans can't read, so the flyers were ineffective, we're redoing now them using big pictures and no words just like the flyers the Army drops in Iraq"
NASCAR also hopes that the usual blanket of commericals featuring Budweiser, Wrangler, Hooters and other horrible products will help cut down on the confusion and get the word out. In the meantime NASCAR has braced itself for opening day hoping that they got the word out in time but just in case have hired 200 extra operators to answer phones and alleviate and worries fans may have.

(Sort of) AN INTERVIEW WITH A HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER ABOUT SAM LUTFI

2008-02-15T10:18:00.000-08:00

(Sort of) An Interview with a Hollywood Producer About Mr. Sam Lutfi, Britney Spears former (manager?)

Could Sam Lutfi be the next Van Johnson? Who was Van Johnson? Film Historians say he was like Vin Diesel only with a Lutfi edge.

The following is a brief interview with Dylan Shields. Mr. Shields and his beautiful wife Amy are former neighbor’s of Sam Lutfi’s, who is apparently Britney Spears estranged former manager or producer, it's not clear what his association was exactly. Britney’s family has slapped Mr. Lutfi with a restraining order, well technically not yet, because they have not been able to locate Mr. Lutfi to serve the restraining order. Not much is known about Mr. Lutfi. He was quoted in the media as saying that he didn’t care what anybody said about him, i.e. the P.T. Barnum school of any publicity is good publicity. That’s smart. Also he seems to be tall with dark hair and a dark complexion. He wears sunglasses often. That’s all we really know about him. He’s an enigma wrapped in an egg shell. Hopefully this interview with his former neighbor will shed some light on the elusive Mr. Lutfi.

A brief background on Mr. Shields. He is a graduate of the American Film Institute and has worked as an entertainment manager for the last several years. He is an executive producer’s of the feature film, “Half-Life”, which premiered at this year’s Sundance Film Festival. Currently he is producing his second film starring Vincent Gallo. He and his wife are also expecting their first child.

EDITORS NOTE-THE FOLLOWING WAS GOING TO BE AN INTERVIEW BUT LAST NIGHT MR. SHIELDS, HOW DO I PHRASE IT ELOQUENTLY? PUSSED OUT OF THE INTERVIEW BECAUSE HE’S AFRAID OF BEING SUED. IF YOU KNOW MR. SHIELD'S THAN YOU’LL KNOW THIS SOMETIME FLIP FLOPPING AND WIMPY BEHAVIOR IS TYPICAL FOR HIM. BUT I DON'T BLAME HIM IT'S NOT HIS FAULT IT'S IN HIS NERD GENETICS (PLUS WE LIVE IN A LITIGIOUS SOCIETY AND HE HAS A FAMILY & CHIHUAHUA TO PROTECT). IF YOU’VE EVER KNOWN ANY A.F.I. GRADS THAN YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. MOST OF THEM SEEM TO HAVE THE SAME SKETCHY “NERD THAT CAN”T BE RELIED ON IF THERE’S A GUN IN THE ROOM” FEEL. YOU KNOW THE TYPE? IT’S A FUCKING MIRACLE THAT DARREN ARONOFSKY WENT TO A.F.I. HE’S A GENIUS. ANYWAY I CAN JUST PICTURE DYLAN AT THE VEGAS AIRPORT LAST NIGHT TALKING TO HIS WIFE ON THE OTHER LINE ASKING HER IF HE SHOULD PICK UP THE OTHER LINE AND TALK TO ME, SHE OF COURSE SAID NO, DON’T TALK TO THAT FUCKING IDIOT. SHE’S THE ONE WITH THE REAL BALLS IN THE FAMILY. I SHOULD HAVE INTERVIEWED HER INSTEAD. REGARDLESS HERE IS HALF THE INTERVIEW.

First for the record please state your name.

And you are familiar with one Sam Lutfi? You were his former neighbor?

You have worked in the film and entertainment industry for over a decade currently as a manager and producer is that correct?

Did you ever see any evidence that Mr. Lutfi worked in the entertainment industry?

And would you categorize him as a good neighbor or a bad neighbor?

Mr. Lutfi has been accused of verbal abuse. Did he ever verbally abuse you or your wife?

Did you ever see Mr. Lutfi verbally abuse Nuns, Catholic or otherwise. Did you ever see or hear him abuse school children?

Did you ever see Mr. Lutfi wear any clothing that felt abusive to your eyes?

What about those lame Nike or Fila sweat suits. Did you ever see him wearing one of those?

Mr. Lutfi has also been accused of attempted drugging.

Did Mr. Lutfi ever attempt to drug you, your wife or your dog?

Did you ever see Mr. Lutfi try to drug himself?

Okay those are all the questions I have. Thanks for your time.

STRANDED CHINESE ACROBAT TROOP BOOKED FOR VANS WARPED TOUR

2008-02-14T09:22:00.000-08:00

STRANDED CHINESE ACROBATS BOOKED FOR 2008 VANS WARPED TOUR

Most kids today think China is just another U.S. territory where flat screen tv's and Nike shoes are made and horrible actresses like the one from Grey's Anatomy are born. This photo is from the 12 day China/Hong Kong War of 1967. No winner was declared in the war though Bruce Lee and the cologne Hai Karate were thought to have benefited greatly from the publicity the war generated.

A troupe of Chinese acrobats brought over to the United States for what they thought would be a 6th month whirlwind tour of performances on college campuses across the United States but who instead found themselves dumped at a homeless shelter in Texas by an unscrupulous Wisconsin promoter have found new life, as a punk rock band, on this summers Vans Warped Tour.

Legendary Concert Promoter and Vans Warped Tour founder Kevin Lyman was so outraged and touched at the same time by a story he saw on CNN about the stranded troupe, he reached out to them and immediately bought out their contract. Mr. Lyman when reached for comment said, “That guy in Wisconsin really paints concert promoters and managers in a bad light.” But he also said, “Chinese performers, what’s that cost, pennies a day? I wish I would have thought of this sooner. Really that guy is a genius.” Details of the contract were not disclosed but it is rumored the Chinese troupe cost Mr. Lyman about "as much as a vintage early 70’s Lighting Bolt single fin surfboard goes for on eBay", right now.

Other details of the contract are not known but Mr. Lyman was also quoted as saying, “ The minimum wage in China is a staggering one dollar an hour, which is almost twice as much as we like to pay our talent or employees on the Warped Tour. But luckily we can justify this contract because these guys will be able to finish out the tour at the new Vans factory in Beijing.”

When asked if he was worried the Chinese troupe would be called out as poseurs or fakes by the young fans for completely lacking any punk roots or musical talent Mr. Lyman said, “No, we had Paramore on the tour last year and no one called them out. These guys fill that vacant hole perfectly." Mr. Lyman was also quoted as saying, “the Chinese troupe’s complete lack of musical talent almost guarantees them a Grammy nomination.” Also when pressed about the fact that the Chinese don't speak any coherent English Mr. Lyman responded "that neither do today's teenagers."

This summer the troupe is scheduled to appear on the Ernie Ball stage and will also open up for The Used.

ROGER CLEMENS BLAMES HOLLYWOOD FOR ROIDS

2008-02-13T10:00:00.000-08:00

ROGER CLEMENS blames Hollywood for his steroid abuse and the recent Fall of Western Civilization

America will never be free or safe until Congress cleans up the rampant steroid abuse that is destroying sports. Next on their agenda is to expose professional Golf, specifically Tiger Woods addiction to HGH, money and white women. Woods is expected to be sentenced to some prison time for his role in those horrible Buick commercials.

When your world is crumbling apart and your searching for a scapegoat, who do you blame? You blame television and Hollywood. Everyone from Idi Amin to Jerry Falwell to Saddam Hussein have blamed their mistakes and society’s ills on Hollywood. Roger Clemens this morning, proved to be no different from anyone else who has been under oath in front of Congress. It seemed that Clemens got lost for a moment and started fishing, but if you think he just randomly tossed in a Hollywood reference, think again. Look behind him, that’s not his family behind him but a high priced team of public relations consultants and lawyers. Clemens is battling not just for his place in history, i.e., the Baseball Hall of Fame, but also for the millions of dollars that goes with it.

When asked directly about Human Growth Hormone……

Clemens- “I still don’t know enough about it. I don’t know, I’ve heard that, I’ve seen things on TV, these guys, guys how it helps them, actors and different things of that nature. I don’t know anything about it.”

It sounds like he is trying to blame his steroid abuse on Hollywood influences and the recent news, i.e. Heath Ledger and Brad Renfro. I wonder which consultant sitting behind him coached him on that earlier this week?

Mark Gonzales Paintings and Some Random Skateboard Trivia.

2008-02-12T20:36:00.000-08:00

Not all the paintings done in the 80's were composed with a paint pen and/or spray paint can. The photo is not blurry, it's a technique painters use to fool your eyes and drain your wallet.

Mark Gonzales is one of the most important skateboarders in the history of the sport. His accomplishments and contributions to the sport are to numerous to mention. To simplify it he took vertical skateboarding and applied it to the street. Like his skateboarding he is also a very above average artist with a unique and one of a kind style. At one time I owned two paintings and two or three sketches that Mark had given me. Over the years most were stolen or lost. One painting was a cityscape instead of being painted on masonite or paper they were done with paint pens on a pair of red and black Air Jordan 1’s. A couple years later those Jordan’s were given to a thrift store by my mother. Of course at the time my mom didn’t realize when she gave away those shoes she gave away my down payment for my dream house in Mt. Shasta. Turns out that my mother wasn’t the only Mom who would clean out her son’s closet when they were out of town for any extended time period. Had our mothers known that some day a first edition pressing of Black Flag’s “TV Party Tonight” would be worth hundreds they might not of thrown them away but then again they probably would cause that’s what they’re supposed to do. I cried to my Dad and he told me the story about his Mickey Mantle cards. If my grandfather had been around he probably would have told me about the potato he found as kid in Ireland that was shaped like Attila the Hun. Mothers are supposed to throw valuable items from your childhood away. It’s what they do. Like embarrassing you in public, it’s natural for them, it’s in their breeding. Some of my friends record collections were at risk even if they were just leaving home for a week during spring break, their mothers were that good. It used to be record collections and skateboards would end up in the thrifts now its cd’s, scooters and video games. Anyway God has a strange sense of humor and way of amending and rewarding those of us who try to lead a better life and walk a righteous path. The rest of us he just fucks with all the time. Instead of God giving me back my rightful entitlement which included a nice 1930’s 5 bedroom Spanish adobe with maid quarters and detached stables in Montecito he gave me not one but two Mark Gonzales painting’s. I’m no Mark Gonzales expert, there are people out there who have spent hundreds of thousands on his artwork and skateboards. His skateboards are some of the most collectible period. He could have had a separate career in either medium. But I know a few things about him and why we’re led to believe these paintings are early Mark Gonzales paintings. Like I said, I’m no expert, I didn’t even write this, I went down to the home depot and hired an illegal alien after watching an episode of south park. Nobody is claiming to be an art or mark gonzales expert, if you want to send any angry e-mails send them to Brad Dorfman, Salvador Dali and the guy who invented the metric system.

THE PAINTINGS ……came out of Santa Monica reportedly with other skateboard decks from S.M.A. S.M.A. stands for Santa Monica Airlines. The S.M.A. Natas Kapas Panther Skateboard Deck from the mid to late 80’s is very collectible and has sold for over $1,000 several times (artofskateboarding.com) Natas Kapas was a pro rider, actually the main rider, for S.M.A. Natas was a great skater also, very underrated for his period. Mark and Natas were very good friends and both were artists who inspired each other. The rooming house painting has bold outlines. Mark did not like the name The Gonz much and didn’t know where Chavo was. The women in window and street light are indicative of his style, the pathway has hidden or not so hidden cross at bottom, the rooming house itself looks like it could be in Venice/Santa Monica. The 928 Porsche, Mark liked 928’s, his friend Steve Rocco sold used ones at the car lot he worked at in Redondo. The pool is shaped like a skater would shape a pool. No signature, Mark didn’t like to sign his paintings. Painted on masonite, mark also liked to skate on masonite. Mark owned a ramp with masonite including the ramp that was at the H.B. OP Pro the year of the famous riots, later called the Sure Grip Ramp. Natas Kapas was a champion surfer and owned many surfing trophies. Blind Skateboards is the opposite of Vision. Mark’s Birthday is June 1st. Picasso’s is not. Mark once had a fake i.d. only it wasn't really a fake i.d. , it was a factory blem, the dmv got his birthday wrong so he could drink beer 3 years earlier, mark didn’t care cause he didn't drink but for 18 year old skaters it was big deal and mark became very popular....

It doesn't matter if these are true Mark Gonzales paintings or not because the insurance company thinks they are Keith Haring originals.

Great WEB 2.0 DEALS- WhiskeyMilitia.com

2008-02-11T09:26:00.000-08:00

WhiskeyMilitia.com

Amazing Deals on Clothes and Gear

WM has super fast shipping plus they shrink wrap all the clothes in plastic. That's very bad for the environment but who cares about the ozone layer as long as your clothes look sharp.

WhiskeyMilitia.com

It’s probably hard for some people to imagine now but snowboarding, wasn’t always the predominant and dominating winter sport that it is today. Twenty years ago snowboarding experienced its first big winter. Ski resorts started to open their doors to snowboarders, though some big mountains like Mammoth Mountain in California placed restrictions on where and when we could ride. By 1990 there were just as many snowboarders as skiers, in few more years we would outnumber skiers 3 to 1 at most resorts. It seemed like an explosion to most of the world. People by the tens of thousands started throwing away their skis and those horrible uncomfortable, plastic boots that the manufacturers forced you to wear, for the much more natural snowboards with their comfortable bindings and soft, leather Sorrel boots. Suddenly there was more than just a Tom Sims or Jake Burton board to choose from. New board companies and manufacturers like Kemper, Gnu, Lib Tech, Nitro, Morrow, Avalanche and Joy Ride started to appear. Long time ski stalwarts like K2, Look and Rossignol jumped on the bandwagon and started to make snowboards, though only K2 was successful. Clothing and gear companies started popping up. Soon everything was functional because it was made by snowboarders for snowboarders. Before these new clothing companies appeared our choices were slim, North Face was the best but always to expensive for the average boarder and the few piece of clothing that Burton put out never seemed adequate for serious riding conditions. By 1998 Wave Rave, Sessions and Quicksilver were starting to put out gear and soon they would be joined by Volcom and SMP and other imaginative clothing companies. By 1998 the companies had 3 magazines dedicated to snowboarding to choose to advertise in. Even Nike recognized the direction the new actions sports were taking and started A.C.G. (All Condition Gear) for snowboarders and secretly sponsored professional skateboarders.

Why the little history lesson? Well I just want to remind my readers and myself about how lucky we are today. I won’t even go into all the prejudice and hate we experienced from the resort owners, skiers and general establishment. What do you we have today? We have much more than the freedom to ride any mountain the world we want now. But better than that we have cheap prices on good gear. We have the integration of web 2.0/3.0, e-commerce and snowboarders with good taste. With stores and websites such as WhiskeyMilitia.com. Don’t let the name intimidate you. W.M. is an amazing sight. Cheap prices on great that everyone uses or needs, boots, goggles, hoodies, pants, sunglasses, gloves and more. Not just gear, they have boards, good quality boards at very, good prices, including the best brands Lib Tech, Gnu and Burton.

How does WhiskeyMilitia.com work? W.M. is an outlet for Backcountry.com. Many of you may be familiar with Backcountry.com and know that they already have lower prices than most shops. How? They purchase inventory in large amounts and unlike most of your local snowboard shops they don’t have inventory on credit. Most snowboard shops purchase their fall boards and gear on credit in the spring or summer at the trade shows. But Backcountry.com does not. This means they don’t owe the manufacturer or company a debt and since they own the merchandise outright they can set prices lower than most local shops or chain retailers. What that means for you the consumer is you probably will not find a lower price on that item anywhere. Period. WhiskeyMilitia.com works the same as Woot.com and the other web 2.0/3.0 sites that are springing up weekly. They list an item, for instance a 2007 Burton Custom 151 board at $209.00. (an actual sale item this week) W.M. will list 23 of the boards on their website and once they are sold out that’s it, they are gone. Ten minutes or an hour, once its gone that’s it. Sometimes they might pull out a few more out of the warehouse a few days down the line but be careful with W.M. because they rarely re-list quality items like Burton Customs at that price. So when you see it on their webiste and it’s something you want you better grab it. The bottom line is this, the less money you spend on gear, the more money you will have in the winter for things like lift tickets and (gulp) gas to get up those mountains and enjoy those glorious 3 foot deep and sunny powder days while your friends are back home still trying to pay off the board they bought last year.

Dieter Rams and the Ten Rules of Good Design

2008-02-08T19:00:00.000-08:00

Most Steve Jobs/Apple Conspiracy theorists believe that Braun and Dieter Rams secretly controls all Apple design. They also believe in the easter bunny.

Dieter Rams and the 10 Rules of Design

Instead of buying that book “the gift” try this instead.

Good design is innovative.
Good design makes a product useful.
Good design is aesthetic.
Good design helps us to understand a product.
Good design is unobtrusive.
Good design is honest.
Good design is durable.
Good design is consequent to the last detail.
Good design is concerned with the environment.
Good design is as little design as possible.

And then use the new found free time and money to be as unobtrusive, durable, innovative and concerned with the environment in an aesthetic and understanding way. Or you can go to McDonald’s.

NEVER MIX Xanax/Valium with OTC Sleeping Aids & Histimines!

2008-02-06T10:49:00.000-08:00

This is medical marijuana for people with pain. It's legal in many states with a doctors prescription. Nobody ever od'd from this. There has been reports of lost cars, lost hotel rooms, complaints of rapid heart beat, lyrics forgotten on stage in front of thousands and a few blown punch lines at the comedy store in front of dozens, there was even a 911 call and accusations of spiking with acid. The most severe or funniest incident was a missed connecting flight in Bejing and getting stuck in China for 3 days. I can't make this stuff up, it's funny cause it's true.

WHEN I WAS OUT CAUCUSING IN UTAH for Super Tuesday this weekend some of the local farmers were asking me if I knew Heath Ledger? And if I knew a place to go in Los Angeles were you can hook up a crooked doctor who will write scripts for whatever drugs you want, no questions asked?

I told them to go to Cantor’s Deli to find the crooked doctor and some overpriced and dry sandwiches. You can also place large wagers on sporting event’s (but don’t tell anyone wink, wink, it’s a big Hollywood secret.)

I told them I didn’t know Heath Ledger but had never heard anybody ever say any harsh words about him. If you know the staff at the Chateau Marmont, than you know they love to gossip given the chance, but nobody there had anything but affection and respect for him. He was well respected because he earned it. It’s a waste of a life and a great talent. I do know what his family and friends are going through. An entertainer at that level is an industry by himself. People have careers, buy houses and raise families because of their association with someone as talented as that. The bonus is it’s a person people really enjoy being around and working with. There aren’t many people like that in any industry, but especially Hollywood. You never get over it. You always think what if? What if he had been in this movie, or project or got to work with this person.

The doctor who gave him all those should go to prison. He won’t. He’ll lose his license and get suspended. Heath’s family will try and sue him into being lower middle class or worse. The douche bag’s lawyers are probably telling him to protect his assets and make himself “judgement proof”. So you can bet the doctor who helped cause this is out this week spending money like m.c. hammer’s glory days in the 80’s.

The doctor knew he didn’t’ have any real pain beyond the stress and tension of being a great artist and a celebrity at the same time. Heath probably had a pretty good system for hiding and compartimalizing his life, like any great artists, he had to shield himself from a lot of the normal things in the world. Distractions and intrusions aren’t allowed when your trying to create great things. He kept most of the people in his life at a distance. Nobody probably realized he had that much access to that many drugs. The people who really loved him probably didn’t know it was that easy for him to get so many drugs. He was probably steadily popping the xany’s and valium’s daily for the last couple years. The doctor probably was the only one who knew this. Even if he didn’t he should have. Even if he was switching up doctors to keep the pipeline going. SIMPLE BLOOD TESTS every month would have told the doctor how many milligrams of anit-anxiety meds were pumping through his heart. He shouldn’t have allowed him to mix the Vicodin and Oxy’s with the valium and xanax. Us old schoolers remember that was what did in River. You confuse your heart and it’s rythum when you do that. But what the doctor really should have told him was UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES never touch OVER THE COUNTER SLEEPING AIDS. You cant’t mix those with either painkillers or anti-anxiety but when you mix all 3. Oh God. The UNISOM was probably the worse, you can’t mix anit-histimine’s with a Xanax or any of the azepam’s.

What happens?

Here’s what happened to me when I mixed ‘em up. Your head feels like someone is hitting it with a hammer but you can’t feel any pain, you can barely keep your eyes open but you try because the grogginess just doesn’t feel right and you know if you fall back asleep it might be for the last time because at the same time your heart beats rapidly like you just hiked a huge mountain but your heart isn’t supposed to beat like that so you smash your head against the mirror in the bathroom to try and wake up but, you don’t feel the blood trickling down your forehead but you do feel a bit more awake, enough so to drag yourself down to the video poker machines and have the cocktail waitress bring you a coffe and let the coffee and loud, noises and bright lights wake you up, it takes about 3 hours to get back to clearing your head. In the meantime you will get quite a few odd looks from the tourists and the security guards walked up to me and tried to escort me out until one of the pit bosses told him he knew me from college, and I was okay cause I was working on a script, the guard said, please sir maybe you could at least go upstairs and clean up cause you know you have blood on your face, glass in your eye and your wearing nothing but a bathrobe and vans slip-ons it’s scaring some of the guests? Yeah? We’ll tell them I’m scared of me too.

People on drugs usually wear dark clothes and shop at the 99 cent store. If you know anyone who shops at the 99 cent store please get them help.

1987, Skateboarding's 2nd Wave; Chuck Barfoot, Tom Sims, Jake Burton and Snowboarding's early rise.

2008-02-05T15:28:00.000-08:00

At first glance this deck looks like just another example of 80's greed and poor design. It's more than that.

This is an obscure skateboard. Rincon Designs was not an important skateboard company or relevant in the 80’s when this deck was made. In fact even for the mid 1980’s it was a very poorly designed board. The wood is not a 7 ply, it’s a cheap 6 ply that feels like it will break if you put any real tension on it. It would never hold up for a day of pool skating. It has virtually no concave, the shape is half ass, even the holes for the front trucks are to close to the nose. It has no character of it's own, it’s kind of a pig shape and kind of a cross between a Mark Gonzales or Tommy Guerro deck circa 1986/1987. Even the name Rincon Designs was outdated back then, Rincon’s an old timers break, always has been, always will be. When you think of Rincon you think of hippies and long boards. The Beach Boys dated it instantly when they added it to the lyrics of their coke addled 60’s pop songs.
In fact this skateboard deck, with its dated shape and poor concave, looks like it would have been made in 1980-82 but instead it was designed, manufactured and released in 1987. 1987 for skateboarding was a big year, a huge year, the sport had taken off by then. Overnight million dollar clothing companies backed by Wall Street with names like Airwalk and Bad Boy Club sprang up. Mainstream companies like Ray-ban and Swatch started endorsing skaters. Quicksilver got Mel Gibson to wear their clothes in Lethal Weapon. Nike had secret endorsement deals with a few skateboarders. Tommy Guerro was photographed flying through the air in stylish blue and black Air Jordan’s more than Jordan was. Suddenly, our clothes and our style started showing up in malls in the Midwest. Names like Mark “Gator” Rogowski, Mark Gonzales and Tony Hawk were already household names by 1987, especially for any kid that was halfway cool. "Gator" skated for millions during halftime on Monday Night Football. Rolling Stone magazine was on top of it, and had a reporter tag along with Mark Gonzales for a few days. Punk rock and skateboarding were natural partners. Tony Alva led the way, by the mid 80’s he felt more like a rock star than a skateboarder. By 1987 both The Clash and The Ramones had toured large over 1,000 seat venues and sold out virtually every show. Smaller punk rock bands like Social Distortion, Bad Religion, NOFX, The Vandals and Pennywise found that they were selling out almost every venue they would be allowed to play in, but still most of the band members had other day jobs just in case. A new winter sport was getting popular and blowing up, snowboarding, skateboarding had 2 magazines dedicated to it and soon snowboarding did to. Snowboards were just starting to gain acceptance at a few resorts in the country. In Europe the resorts were much more liberal and snowboards and snowboarders. Skaters were moving to Lake Tahoe and Colorado because there were resorts there that would allow snowboarding.

I could go on and on, 1987 was an exciting year, things were happening innovation was everywhere for the skate culture. At the beach, in the mountains, on college campuses and in malls, the culture was gaining wide acceptance. People started to get paid. Skaters and snowboarders were getting contracts and endorsement deals. But many we’re getting ripped off, big time and they knew it. In one month alone Vision Skateboards sold 10,000 Mark Gonzales signature decks. Mark got virtually none of that money. It was his popularity, his artwork and his name that drove the sales of those boards, but the word Vision Skateboards was in bigger, bolder letters than Mark’s. By "skaters for skaters" wasn't just a phrase it became a relevant term. Skaters and snowboarders wanted their own companies. It would take a few more years before guys like Mark’s pal Steve Rocco would help to turn the tables on the greedy manufactures and distributors. Steve Rocco was almost 40 years old, the oldest professional skateboarder in the world with a signature model but still supplementing his income by selling used cars in Redondo Beach, when he came up with Plan B and the idea of “complete” sponsorship for the skater. By the early 90's it was almost silly how much he paid his skaters. They got paid more than rookies in the N.B.A. Suddenly 18 year old kids who couldn’t afford to buy a pair of shoes the week before, were buying houses in Marina Del Rey after signing with Steve and Plan B. At the same time he created new "skateboard" magazine. Big Brother Magazine wasn't about skateboarding, it had trading cards with Jesus and ads that made fun of other skateboard companies that were pompous and took themselves to seriously. Big Brother was about making fun of skateboarding. It also sold a lot of product. Steve hired people like Johnny Knoxville to write stories and Spike Jonze to take pictures and they sold even more skateboards and got millions of dollars of free publicity when an uptight radio host went into an Orange County mall to buy her son a skateboard and instead found an article on "how to kill yourself" in Big Brother. Big Brother in turn spawned “Jackass” and a whole other industry and phenomenon would be launched. Eventually Steve would cash out and sell a large portion of his empire to Larry Flynt and move into a house in Malibu that cost more to build per square foot than a year of rent at his former studio apartment.

So why with all this innovation and great things happening, why was this skateboard deck even released, let alone manufactured? Manufacturing this board in 1987 would have been like Ford re-releasing the Edsel during the height of the muscle car era.

Near the bottom of the deck the name and logo Barfoot appears. There in lies the answer. Chuck Barfoot was cashing in. He was an innovator and ahead of his time in many ways. He designed many of the early skateboards of the 70’s, concave, kicktail, he had helped push those ideas. This board was beneath him, which is probably why the logo is so small and at the bottom. He was probably given a small fee for the use of his name. He probably didn’t even design this deck or if he did it was probably sketched on a napkin at a luncheon meeting. Chuck Barfoot was also a hell of a nice guy. Tom Sims took advantage of this. Sims really should have been called Barfoot-Sims. Tom wasn’t as nice a guy as his neighbor who was also making skateboards a few blocks away in East Santa Barbara. George Powell, happily added Stacey Peralta’s name to his company and made Stacey a partner. Eventually they would go their own separate way but not before the “Bones Brigade” which included Tony Hawk, Lance Mountain and Mike McGill and Mike’s 540 “Mctwist”, made them both household names and millionaires a couple times over.

Nobody every thought to patent the skateboard but somebody was trying to patent the snowboard. Jake Burton. The problem was Chuck Barfoot thought he came up with the snowboard first. He told his friend Tom Sims his idea. They experimented with design and epoxy and plywood together. Tom put his name on the board, just like he did on the skateboards. Chuck didn’t think anything of it. Tom and Jake started putting out snowboards about the same time. Sims put out the first signature model about 1985, the Terry Kidwell, affectionately called the Skidwell because the rails wouldn’t grip icy snow, he followed that up with another pro model, the Shaun Palmer Mini Shredder. The Palmer had better rails and better bindings, it was a skateboard on snow, it worked well on jumps and in halfpipes. It was the first snowboard that worked well and people wanted. Jake Burton had his Burton Backhill but the price was to high, the bindings were horrible and the rear tail was to small. The Palmer blew up. It was really the first functional well made mass produced snowboard. Shawn Palmer was also a great skateboarder with his own model and that pushed his snowboards. He was a crossover, x-game athlete before the term was coined. He was also a bit of a jerk a bit of a punk known for his antics at events, emulating his idol Sean Farmer. That just made Shawn that much popular with all the kids who we’re saving up every cent they had. Snowboards were expensive, $400 to $500 and if you were going to drop that kind of money on a deck it better be cool. Shawn Palmer was the youngest pro snowboarder and the first celebrity snowboarder outside of the inner circle of the sport. He became more infamous and popular than his snowboard. Dyed hair, crazy and erratic behavior, he showed up at contests driving a huge Cadillac before he was old enough to drive, sporting custom suits his mother made him out of American flags.

Chuck saw all of this, he had witnessed the skateboard explosion of the 70’s and 80’s, he knew snowboarding was going to take off and he wanted to make sure that this time he got something in return. That was his design on the board, not Shawn’s, not Tom’s, even though their names were on the board. Sure they helped drive sales, but the board was a good design, and good designs sold themselves. The Rincon Designs skatebord deck compared to his other designs was a huge step back, Chuck needed the money because he was an artist trying to protect what he viewed as one of his creations. Since most of you have never heard of Chuck Barfoot before reading this, you are probably right in assuming that he was futile in his attempts at securing a patent and his place in sports history. There are probably a couple of thirty something’s walking around with an extra arthritic limp because this deck broke on them when they tried to lay down a smith grind on the local backyard vert ramp.

Ultimately the courts never did figure out who invented the snowboard. Each side claimed victory. The only people who won were the lawyers. People came out of the wood work, a German engineer appeared with a patent he claimed he had filed in Germany before World War II. Lawyers took his claim seriously. Even the legendary Alpine film maker Warren Miller chimed in. At an important time in the devlopment of the sport when many people and resorts were anti-snowboard, Warren was a friend to the snowboarder. Warren thought snowboards were great, they felt more natural than ski's when you were on the snow and they were pumping money, a lot of money, back into the dated ski industry and besides if snowboards hadn't been hindered by the war everyone would be snowboarding by now anyway. Rumors abounded that Jake Burton had won some kind of legal settlement and Tom Sims and a couple other manufacturers had to pay Burton a large cash settlement. Tom claimed bankruptcy. He became another transplanted Californian. He moved his life long base from Santa Barbara were he had help to develop and revolutionize not one, but two sports and two multi-million dollar industries, to upstate Washington state. Now he was close to the Canadian border and their wood, to concentrate on building snowboards. Eventually Chuck got Barfoot Snowboards off the ground, he even got early pros like Rob Dafoe to ride them for a while but by the early 90's when companies like Morrow, Burton and K-2 started paying their riders base salaries of over a hundred grand a year to ride their boards, Chuck couldn't compete. Barfoot Snowboards is still around in one form or the other. The kids today regard it as a third tier company and don't give it much thought. Most don't know that Barfoot was once, for a short but very important time, on the cutting edge of snowboarding and instrumental in the sports evolution.

Obama Better than Expected on Super Tuesday or A Primer On Why The Polls are Often Misleading and/or Wrong!

2008-02-04T15:30:00.000-08:00

A typical Hillary supporter. Plain, flabby arms, slouchy and a poor dresser. Clearly out of touch with reality and current events and ... hey wait, did I just describe Rush Limbaugh?

Why Polls Can Be Misleading & Wrong.

Obama is going to do much better than expected tomorrow, one of the main reasons is, the polls are almost always wrong. Here’s one reason why.

Polls are staffed by twenty year olds college students who are broke and bored, kids who could care less about the system on either side, they just want enough money to buy new books and some beer. Some of them are English majors with creative writing courses under their belt. They like to test their limits of creative writing. Threats of lawsuits and criminal prosecution if they make up the answers are an even better motivator. Some pollsters like the creative writing challenges the job offers. I wonder if anything has changed since I was a pollster?

This photo just smacks of symbolism.

Notes & Photos from The Obama Clinton Debate Hollywood 2008 + Advice & Tips for Attending Future Political Events

2008-02-01T10:03:00.000-08:00

“The only way the Republicans can win the election in November is if they dig up Jesus Christ and run him, but even then, Jesus won’t be able to carry New York.” If you’re a Democrat or Independent feel free to use that joke on your GOP friends.

Here are some photos from yesterdays all important Democratic Presidential debate, which really turned out to be more like a boring and tame discussion between wolf blitzer and the two candidates. It was considered a historic event because one of them is going to be our nations first black president or our first lesbian president. Wow, very exciting times. Obama supporters were there 3 to 1 for Hillary. If that’s any indication from yesterdays turnout, the polls are once again very wrong, and Obama will likely win California on Tue..

A couple tips to make your life easier, if you do decide to attend any large political events this season or in the future. The first tip I stole from Martin Sheen at a speech he gave on civil disobedience. (the vw bus part is my own)

A) The farther you park from the event the easier it will be to get out of there when your ready to go. Or take mass transit if possible. Trust me you don’t want to get stuck in a long line behind some hippie with an out of tune vw bus with outdated Diablo Canyon stickers blowing carbon monoxide and his second hand smoke in your car for an hour.
B) Don’t pet the bomb sniffing dog. And when the cop gives you a dirty look for petting “old blackie” don’t give a smart ass answer like “Oh I guess he’s not trained to smell marijuana.”
C) Don’t go. That’s why the pay the graduates of Cal State Northridge’s prestigous communications program $15 dollars an hour to lug around those heavy, out dated Beta cams, so you can stay home and watch the craziness from the comfort of your couch.

You have to feel sorry for this kid, its obvious his mother has control issues.

Notice the juxtaposition of the sign and the elephant. It's called irony.

Most people who attend political events, no matter who or what issue they care about,
tend to be smelly and unpleasant. Yesterday in Hollywood was no exception.

"We saw quite a few "Hispanics"

2008-01-31T01:06:00.000-08:00

I found the quote from the lady below when I was doing some research on Dillon, South Carolina. Barack Obama has been referencing their school system as a prime example of our broken school systems. Dillon has some of the worse public schools in the country. I did some research on Dillon because I assumed if they have lousy schools they must have cheap land, and they do, and with very good reason. I could never live in the south or on the east coast anyway, they have no real mountains and weak beaches. The bottom line is clearly people in the south think a little bit (or a lot) differently than most of us on the west coast.

Below is a quote from one of Dillon's former locals, a graduate of Dillon High, who was visiting Dillon recently.

”We did notice several sushi restaurants (not our favorite) and Mexican restaurants. Spending summers with my grandmother in Dillon, I never saw Hispanics. While there this time, we saw quite a few, so I imagine the restaurants are very good. We have excellent Mexican restaurants in Delaware for the same reason. The last time we ate at Shoney's for breakfast, it was not very good, so I tend to stay away from places like that. On our way down, we stopped at Ryan's in Lumberton and it was excellent.”

No wonder the food in L.A. is so good. It's because we don't have any Shoney's.

REGIFTING-There's Nothing Cheap About Saving The World

2008-01-27T15:59:00.000-08:00

Regifting is a blood sport in Hollywood. Here actor Vincent Kartheiser from the hit show "Mad Men" has just received a regifted Nintendo controller. Look how excited he is!

I’VE ALWAYS WANTED to do two things with my life. Save money and save the world. But I have never been able to figure out a way to combine the two. It has always been one or the other. For instance I recently flew to Alaska to help clean little baby seals who were hurt in an oil spill, the downside was I ended up spending over 2,000 dollars on travel, soap and rubber gloves. (If I had been smart I would have stopped up at the 99 cent store before going to Alaska, everything and I mean everything, even the Taco Bell value menu is more expensive in Alaska.) So I felt good about helping the world because the seals were clean and healthy but I had wasted over 2 grand and I still have oil under my finger nails. Later on I was cleaning my finger nails with a nail file given to me by my friend who was one of the stars of the Broadway musical, “Hairspray”. Orginally he had been given the finger nail file from one of the producers of his play. Then it occurred to me as I was cleaning the oil out my toenails, it’s been right here in front of me for years, REGIFTING. Here in Hollywood Regifting, especially during the holidays, is a sport.

When you regift your not only saving money but your also helping to save the environment and when you save the environment, your saving the world. For instance. When you regift a DVD player, that’s one less 4 pound piece of manufactured plastic and 2 pounds less of fluorocarbons released to the atmosphere. Also that is four hours less an indentured Chinese factory worker has to spend gluing buttons on to another dvd player. So your not just saving the environment but also humanity. It’s also a really great way to justify being a cheap bastard. The next time someone accuses you of being cheap and regifting you can look them straight in the eye and ask them, “Oh and what have you done to save the world lately?”

Regifting can be tricky. Not all of your friends will appreciate that your trying to save the world. Here Vincent Kartheiser is regifting back to nature, a regifted 12 year old Nintendo controller, apparently it wasn't compatible with his WII.

Blu-ray vs. HD DVD- 2 More WAYS TO WASTE Your Money

2008-01-24T12:34:00.000-08:00

Which one of these formats will you use tonight?

Blu-ray vs. HD DVD
This week Blu-ray outpaces HD DVD by more than 6-to-1 last week.

PEOPLE COME UP To me all the time and say “Hey you, get away from my car!” then when they find out I’m from Hollywood they invariably ask me which is better HD DVD or Blu- ray DVD? I say I don’t know? Which do you like better, VHS or Betamax? VHS or Laserdisc? Super VHS or Super Betamax? They just keep looking at me. No reply.

Then I say what about Super VHS or Video Disc? Or 8 track vs. vinyl Records? Or what about Super 16mm or Regular 16mm? Or Super 8mm or Regular 8mm? Or MiniDisc or DAT?

By the time I get to the regular 8mm film question they revert back to their first statement and push me away from their car as they pepper spray my face.
What was the point of that rambling diatribe of dead formats? Exactly. Dead Formats.

Blu- ray and HD DVD will both eventually be a dead format. And both much sooner than later. DVD’s will also eventually be a dead format. Everything will be zapped to a box on your television or to your computer and then you watch it at your leisure. It’s already happening. What do you use more your c.d. player or your ipod? Exactly. Eventually you won’t need a player period, just a phone line and a television. The receiver/scrambler will be in the television. Also High Def now won’t be High Def in five years. They will have more lines descrambled by then, 1080p will be 2180 i.c.u. peeing., or something like that. But hey if you like new technology and just have to have it, then Blu-ray is probably the best choice. They work with PS3 and Sony basically won the war. Whoever was in charge of the corporate credit card at Sony last week at the CES convention made good use of it. They must have put tens of thousands of dollars of poker chips and strippers on the old black Amex. Sony won the war and the consumer benefited to. Blu- ray has more films to offer on DVD though the number is still very small. The Toshiba vs. Sony DVD war at the CES convention paid off for consumers because it knocked down the price of the hardware on both sides. Of course, the minimum wage is a dollar an hour in china so they probably have about 20 bucks invested in their players so eventually the price will keep coming down on the hardware.

HD DVD or Blu- ray DVD? Ok to rehash and condense what was said above. It’s simple. Neither. DVD’s and CD’s will eventually be more clutter and crap that you will have to lug out to the driveway to sell at a garage sale. Ask yourself this? Do you really want to stand around on a cold Saturday morning, explaining to the guy trying to buy your Blu- ray DVD player that you paid $400 for it and you really, really need to get 20 bucks for it or your girlfriend will laugh at you, possibly even break up with you. He of course is just going to walk away, muttering under his breath “Didn’t anybody tell those stupid kids about betamax.....”

I tried to old man, I tried to.

People forget now about the Super 8 vs. 16mm format wars of the late 60's. 21 people were either shot or lost their lives. VHS was eventually crowned the winner.

The House of Blues Anaheim (+ Slightly Stoopid New Years 2007)

2008-01-22T21:09:00.000-08:00

C-Money of Slightly Stoopid, green room (literally) H.O.B Anaheim, the old Disneyland Hotel which had Tron in the video arcade is directly behind him but he didn't know that at the time.

31January2007

THE HOUSE OF BLUES Anaheim should drop the word Anaheim and just say Disneyland. But then again they might sell less tickets to a Social Distortion or Slightly Stoopid show if you tell the kids they’re going to be rocking out at Disneyland. But it is, in a horrible location. On the edge of California Disney. Basically its in the middle of a giant parking lot in the middle of another giant parking lot in the middle of the side of Disneyland. Orange/Anaheim is probably the most corporate staid place in Southern California. In the summer you can actually feel the air not moving. The people who don’t believe in global warming should live in Orange for three summers in a row before they decide the world isn’t getting hotter. Ugh, what a horrible place to put a venue and an amusement park. Just think if the city fathers of Burbank had sold Walt Disney the property he really wanted for Disneyland, Disneyland would be back in Burbank off the 134. Disney actually thought it was a Zionist conspiracy ( read Walt Disney Hollywood’s Dark Prince by Marc Eliot, 1993) that he wasn’t sold the property for Disneyland because a couple years later the same people approved the sale of property and building of Universal Studios. Point of that being Disneyland would be in a cooler, more elevated area and their probably wouldn’t even have been another House of Blues in Anaheim or anything else for that matter.
Fortunately New Years Eve ’07 was my first time at the House of Blues Anaheim, everyone on the staff was very nice, I was supposed to go there a couple weeks earlier to see Pepper play but when my friend told me Pepper was covering a Journey song I made up an excuse not to go, Now that I’m getting older, I can tolerate many things, I can even tolerate the Grateful Dead now in small doses but I draw the line at men who sound like girls when they sing. What I really hate more are those gay ass baseball jersey shirts with those stupid bugs on them. No offense to people with gay asses.
The House of Blues is a good safe clean venue which is exactly what it is supposed to be. almost to safe. If John Belushi came back he would get kicked out of that place in about ten minutes. They should build another California adventure theme park, do an old school one from the cracked out Hollywood of the 80’s or New Orleans in the 70’s. Talk about keeping it real. Anyway in the real corporate rock world of house of blues Anaheim we had to explain to one of the door guys the concept of giving away extra tickets to people in line who weren’t going to be able to buy tickets. He’s gonna be a great cop. Which pretty much sums it up the House of Blues is a safe place for kids and cops. (Also if I forgot to mention it the food at H.O.B. Anaheim is quite good and reasonably priced which is rare at Disneyland. Remember the old days when you would hear your Dad bitching about the lousy, over priced battered chicken at the Carnation restaurant?)

That haze in the air is the ghost of Roy Disney, Walt's less rascist and less praised brother.

This isn't a photoshop effect Kyle really looks like that. This is the cool special effects lighting you can come to expect from the same company who designed the "It's A Small World" ride.